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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 66

By: Rich Cromwell
8 min read

Don’t you forget Harambe.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Out in the dusty, digital wiles, a scream erupts. From the din of our collective outrage, a focal point emerges. Transcendent, it cuts across lines, over familiar barriers. We embrace it, whether in sympathy or disgust.

In either case, it is our national mood, our shared unconscious. It is our moment of clarity. And we swarm, pulling it close, holding on for dear life. We grasp at the opportunity to feel alive, clasp a chance to feel together. In the distance, an alligator sheds crocodile tears, because screw alligators. That’s just how we roll.


What is truth, anyway.


Truth.


But we shall rise.


Except when we go deeper and deeper.


For Harambe. But not that alligator.


Pretty much.


Wait, what were we talking about? Outrage something or other.


For Harambe, but also the alligator that’s in your tub. I think he came up from the sewers where he was living with Robert Forster.


Zoos do have their positives. We should remember those.


Have you considered getting a job at a zoo and then posing as a possibly vicious gorilla? Granted, it’s more of a long game.


Another option.


Then, once the greyback is deposed, the true heir can claim his throne.


I mean, the language is clear.


On the other hand, give peace a chance.


But the ancient texts shouldn’t be discredited.


Especially with regard to where you will end up.


So don’t ignore the signs.


At the same time, don’t put your faith in false prophets, promising to change reality.


Take charge of your own destiny.


But embrace the uncertainty. Yearn for it, even.


To an extent, that is. Don’t go overboard with embracing the uncertainty.


And, if necessary, take matters into your own hands. You deserve nothing less.


Maybe you deserve less, or more, than this, though.


But not that much less. Go in fists blazing.


It happens.


Always, always, live your truth.


Live. Your. Truth.


You will have to own up to those truths, though.


Really own up to them.


Grab the ring.


It’s somewhere over there. Just beyond the gorilla and to the right of the alligator.


If you insist.


On the other hand.


But remember, you will face opposition. Revolution is never easy.


If you are forced to beat a retreat, keep ‘em guessing.


There will be casualties.


Stare down the opposition.


Be prepared.


Be unpredictable.


But be cautiously unpredictable. Emphasis on cautiously.


Highlight your perceived weaknesses.


Try to ensure the answer to this question is “everything.”


Remember, if a samurai’s head were to be cut off, he should still be able to perform one last act with certainty.


Never forget, though, that laughter is the sharpest blade.


Also, a samurai always keeps a bit of rouge on hand for subterfuge.


And he always has a plan for the aftermath.


Yet, the truth remains, lurking, waiting to confront us, rouge and subterfuge notwithstanding.


Out in the digital wilds, a scream erupts, knocking the dust back and exposing reality for all to see. A gorilla remains down, an alligator continues to be ignored. It matters not. The optimist surveys this landscape and smiles, thinking that her glass is half-full. In the corner sits her nemesis. She too smiles, even wider, for she knows a more-important immutable truth. Her glass isn’t half-empty. It’s that much closer to a refill.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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