Out in the dusty, digital wiles, a scream erupts. From the din of our collective outrage, a focal point emerges. Transcendent, it cuts across lines, over familiar barriers. We embrace it, whether in sympathy or disgust.
In either case, it is our national mood, our shared unconscious. It is our moment of clarity. And we swarm, pulling it close, holding on for dear life. We grasp at the opportunity to feel alive, clasp a chance to feel together. In the distance, an alligator sheds crocodile tears, because screw alligators. That’s just how we roll.
I love you. Limited time offer.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) August 31, 2016
What is truth, anyway.
The truth waits for me in the dark, its idle hands relaxed atop the scabbard.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) September 8, 2016
"Tell us why u want to work at this zoo."*imagines riding around in kangaroos, sipping Capri-Suns and Fun-Dip*For the animals of course.
— Toaxtedo (@XLToast) September 4, 2016
But we shall rise.
I'm not a wizard but I am wearing a dirty bathrobe.
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) September 3, 2016
Except when we go deeper and deeper.
Dear Rabbit Hole,I do.
— Amanda B (@amandajpanda) September 7, 2016
For Harambe. But not that alligator.
I don't always overreact, but when I do, it's always.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) September 5, 2016
I'm your friend. I'm your problem now.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) August 22, 2016
Wait, what were we talking about? Outrage something or other.
Mix up your idols and the amulet becomes obsolete.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) September 6, 2016
For Harambe, but also the alligator that’s in your tub. I think he came up from the sewers where he was living with Robert Forster.
Just finish your chardonnay, and drop the blow dryer in the bathtub already….
— Olive Ann Bachman (@offbeatoliv) September 5, 2016
Zoos do have their positives. We should remember those.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?ME: I once worked at a zooT: Great! & what did you take from that?ME: Definitely not a penguinT: WhatM: What
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 2, 2016
Have you considered getting a job at a zoo and then posing as a possibly vicious gorilla? Granted, it’s more of a long game.
Can someone here kill me before tomorrow or should I just post an ad on Craigslist?
— Sarah (@ImSarahobo) September 2, 2016
Imma go drink the ocean then wrestle some sharks
— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) August 28, 2016
Then, once the greyback is deposed, the true heir can claim his throne.
I'm not sure how monarchies work, but I think Carlton Banks would've had to die for Will to become the prince.
— ʝo̥ €ffiпg-Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) September 3, 2016
I mean, the language is clear.
The goal of any written language is to ascribe the maximum possible meaning to each zodiac diary filibuster swamp-donkey menopause…
— Catticus E.F. (@BlindVigil) July 28, 2016
On the other hand, give peace a chance.
My signature move is tie-dying your sheets.
— Special K (@SwirlySkittles) August 12, 2016
But the ancient texts shouldn’t be discredited.
Me: *Pokes Pyramid with stick* Are you cursed?*Cheerleaders plummet from their formation as screams echo across the field*Me: Sorry.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) August 28, 2016
Especially with regard to where you will end up.
Me: It's really hot here. Satan: It's a dry heat tho.
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) September 5, 2016
So don’t ignore the signs.
Phone rings, in the middle of the night, my stalker says: *Deep breaths, hangs up, sharpens her knife and sings: girls just wanna have fun*
— Sara Mansford (@SaraMansford) September 4, 2016
At the same time, don’t put your faith in false prophets, promising to change reality.
Bounces " healing crystals " off your head from across the room
— mary__Inappropriate (@liquidthoughtKE) July 31, 2016
Take charge of your own destiny.
Release 10 pigeons into Red Lobster then ask for a table for 10.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) September 5, 2016
But embrace the uncertainty. Yearn for it, even.
I hope my death will be mysterious.
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) August 30, 2016
To an extent, that is. Don’t go overboard with embracing the uncertainty.
I'm just saying I don't think I'd find it all that charming if birds suddenly appeared every time you were near. Depends on how many birds.
— Wendy (@_wendyb07) September 6, 2016
And, if necessary, take matters into your own hands. You deserve nothing less.
[being murdered by husband]Me: oh my god, can't you do ANYTHING right? The blade of the knife goes… Jesus, Nevermind *stabs myself*
— Optimistic Pugnado (@LuvPug) August 3, 2016
Maybe you deserve less, or more, than this, though.
Last thing I remember is smoking a bowl out of a Red Bull can and then tackling a grill at somebody's family picnic.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) September 6, 2016
But not that much less. Go in fists blazing.
Remember: Be polite but have a plan to kick anyone's ass in the room.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 30, 2016
Sorry I painted your gazebo with the blood of my enemies
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) September 5, 2016
Always, always, live your truth.
Is that a banana in your pocket? No, it's passion fruit. I try to follow a sexual diet.You mean "sensible"?Huh? *i lick your pear*
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) September 1, 2016
Live. Your. Truth.
Went to Petland to trash talk the hermit crab set up. No I'm perfectly sane, why do you ask ?
— V. (@Lovestained555) August 30, 2016
You will have to own up to those truths, though.
Me: Is it the Blood of Christ or is it not?Therapist: Are you implying you're overdosing on communion?Me: I'VE GOT A LOT OF SINS
— Stasis shock (@girl_a_whirl) August 26, 2016
Really own up to them.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
— BJ (@iamburtjarvis) August 17, 2016
Grab the ring.
Parkour * I whisper as I eat Spaghetti O's with an ice cream scoop *
— J (@Dis0beyJay) August 31, 2016
It’s somewhere over there. Just beyond the gorilla and to the right of the alligator.
Where's an inter-dimensional portal when you need one?
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) August 24, 2016
If you insist.
Burning this bridge seems woefully inadequate, considering all the dynamite you left laying around.
— De Nada Donna (@Donna_McCoy) September 4, 2016
On the other hand.
Don't even talk to me if your t-shirt has less than two wolves on it.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 8, 2016
But remember, you will face opposition. Revolution is never easy.
My motion to change the PTA to the PT&A was unanimously shot down, why does no one understand me
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 6, 2016
If you are forced to beat a retreat, keep ‘em guessing.
[20 minutes into a high speed chase and I'm the getaway driver]*from backseat* Have you been using your turn signal this whole time
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) September 1, 2016
There will be casualties.
[20 years after his show was cancelled, a toothless 98 pound Yogi under a bridge]Hey Boo-boo, any more needles in that picanic basket?
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) September 3, 2016
Stare down the opposition.
a big crow (4'11") was approaching me so i looked at it and it flew away
— [weird error msg] (@warmyellowlight) September 1, 2016
Live, laugh, medicate.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 12, 2016
They say "dress for the job you want" which is why I'm always in pyjamas.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) August 19, 2016
But be cautiously unpredictable. Emphasis on cautiously.
[My Funeral]"He died doing what he loved… saying 'Cars have to stop for pedestrians,' as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk."
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) August 4, 2016
Highlight your perceived weaknesses.
— Kandy Mins (@CallousBalzac) August 19, 2016
Try to ensure the answer to this question is “everything.”
I wonder what I'm the scourge of
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) July 28, 2016
Remember, if a samurai’s head were to be cut off, he should still be able to perform one last act with certainty.
If the head gets cut off, will the arms keep weirdly thrusting like that? Let's find out.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) July 29, 2016
Never forget, though, that laughter is the sharpest blade.
(Scoffs at myself. And you too)
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 4, 2016
Also, a samurai always keeps a bit of rouge on hand for subterfuge.
"Just because you're dead doesn't mean you can't feel pretty," I whisper, as I freshen up the outline using glitter chalk.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@SteussieErica) September 5, 2016
And he always has a plan for the aftermath.
All I’m saying is there’s a difference between having nothing to hide and having no place to hide it…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) September 7, 2016
Yet, the truth remains, lurking, waiting to confront us, rouge and subterfuge notwithstanding.
Your mirror screams every time you look in it too, doesn't it?
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) September 2, 2016
Out in the digital wilds, a scream erupts, knocking the dust back and exposing reality for all to see. A gorilla remains down, an alligator continues to be ignored. It matters not. The optimist surveys this landscape and smiles, thinking that her glass is half-full. In the corner sits her nemesis. She too smiles, even wider, for she knows a more-important immutable truth. Her glass isn’t half-empty. It’s that much closer to a refill.
I'm cautiously pessimistic.
— Cynthia Ellis (@CynthiaJEllis) November 23, 2015