One of the more annoying pastimes we engage in is our children. Not the paying attention to them and teaching them part, but the one that suggests they are fonts of wisdom.
It’s true that they inadvertently drop some truth bombs from time to time, but mostly they’re insatiable demons who, given their druthers, would start World War III multiple times per day. Sure the crust situation on the latest sandwich is super important, as is the fact that a sibling didn’t respond well to having a favorite toy snatched away, but maybe not so important so as to go Defcon 3.
Otherwise, they’re wonderful, selfless balls of wonderful selflessness and never at all disturbing.
My son just tried to stuff two bodies inside of a heating duct on his innocent Disney game and now I'm never closing my eyes again.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 10, 2016
Not that we don’t give them ideas.
It's when my son calls me "The Dark Lord" that I know I'm nailing this whole parenting thing.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 28, 2016
Or sometimes set the bar a little high.
It makes me sad when people tell me to live my dreams. We don't all have that luxury. Most of my dreams involve raptors in some capacity
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) February 11, 2016
Though sometimes those dreams are perfect and setting the bar just high enough.
If you need a friend who secretly desires to keep a box full of baby owls in a drawer in her kitchen…You just let me know. I'll be here.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 30, 2016
We also have to make the hard choices that prepare them for the future.
Home seller: This bedroom has attic accessMe: Cool. This is where I'll put the kids, so if anything comes outta there, it'll get them 1st.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) August 29, 2016
Life is hard. To the victor go the spoils.
Why stop at one kid when you can have more so in addition to being a parent you can also be a referee
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) August 29, 2016
There are also external forces putting pressure on them.
Pinterest is a massive conspiracy orchestrated by the powerful Mason Jar lobbyists. We must stand up to Big Mason Jar.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) August 30, 2016
If you do it right, they’ll pick up skills they can use for the rest of their lives.
It's so annoying when I'm lying and you don't believe me.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) August 19, 2016
And other skills that will leave them stuck rudderless.
When approaching a group, if you hear someone say "my thesis", walk away. Nothing good will come of that conversation.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) August 30, 2016
If the grandparents are Baby Boomers, you’ll take the free weekend, but know you’ll have to disabuse some notions. Often, this will require some harsh truth.
You, my dear, are a locust. A cold-blooded insect that devours all in its path before moving on, unpredictable only in which way it'll jump.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) August 21, 2016
Danger Zone. Wait, that’s the other one.
Come on, are we gonna listen to Kenny Rogers & make dream catchers, or what?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) August 31, 2016
Yeah, this one. Now we’re in the danger zone.
Kenny Loggins punches the gas on the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile. He speeds away, quietly humming "Danger Zone" as he adjusts the side mirrors
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) August 21, 2016
You also can’t shield them from the truth. You have to expose them to the reality of the world as they will face it. Partly sunny, my ass.
I'm slightly hungover and have the dead eyes of a local weatherman.
— Gret¢hen (@wokkax3) August 29, 2016
Ancestry isn’t determinative, but it is instructive.
learning your genealogy is less a wonderment when you discover you're descended from 19th Century Glaswegian rag sellers
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) September 1, 2016
That being said, the family business may not be their particular future, even if they are the future.
I run a fishing equipment store called Nothing but Net. We have an extremely limited selection
— Derrik Diggler (@Prof_Hinkley) August 30, 2016
Don’t be an anti-vaxxer, particularly an extreme one. Nothing good will come of it.
Yes, hippies in your tiny house, that combination shower/toilet IS impressive. FYI: cholera typically requires two courses of antibiotics.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 11, 2015
Also, be careful with the participation trophies, okay?
[Kanye standing in front of a mirror]Kanye: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!! *breaks mirror*Kim: Not again….
— hyperblastchic (@hyperblastchic) July 7, 2016
Be careful even if the trophies are warranted. They’ll need some other skills to succeed long-term.
"Ryan Lochte? I haven't heard that name in years," states Ryan Lochte, boldly lighting the wrong end of a cigarette
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) August 24, 2016
On the flip side, if they don’t have any trophy-worthy skills, they may get creative in less-than-desirable ways.
The only way to get your 15 minutes of fame if you live in Florida is by eating someone's face off.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 26, 2016
While measurable achievements like athletics and STEM are admirable, don’t forget the arts.
[writing a love poem] What rhymes with choke?
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) August 28, 2016
Back to the Olympics, be prepared for a changing future.
But officer, that's just my medicinal catapult.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 18, 2016
Though we kid about the older generations, the skills they pass on are critically important.
Another round of body shots off grandma
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) August 27, 2016
Responding to social cues in an appropriate manner is also important.
You're not creepy in the charming kind of way, you're creepy in the "I'm afraid he's gonna find me & wear my skin" kind of way.
— Baberaham Lincoln (@theekillerqueen) August 11, 2016
As are ethics and effective subterfuge.
me texting him: does my kleptomania turn you on?his phone: *buzzes in my jorts front pocket*
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) September 1, 2016
And keeping promises.
I've never said yes to a commitment I didn't regret.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) September 1, 2016
Don’t forget to teach them practical skills that will benefit them during the lean years when they’re making their own way in the world.
"Practice makes perfect," I say, as I carefully sew up the empty cavity where your kidney used to be.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 29, 2016
Also, you’re the source of their self-esteem. While you don’t want it to be out of control, you do want to imbue confidence.
You appear mentally unstable and your behavior is unsettling and potentially dangerous. I'm rambling. Anyway, mirror mirror on the wall…
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) August 30, 2016
Keep in mind that you’ll have to keep your own patience in the interim. They are verbose little buggers.
Once a baby dragon flew out in front of my car and I screamed. Turned out it was just a pheasant.I have lots of good stories like this.
— Tups (@Tups13) August 12, 2016
They have their strengths, but they also have their quiet moments.
Freddy Kreuger is much less frightening if you picture him at the laundromat washing the bloodstains out of his favorite sweater.
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) August 26, 2016
But no matter what you do, you can’t control the future, even if they are the future.
Read my kid's college admission essay and came to the realization that she could be living in my guest room when she's 36.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) August 22, 2016
Another no matter what you do, you don’t say this. No matter how long the pointless story winds on.
It's not that I don't care, but I don't care.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) August 25, 2016
You’ll meet some great people via your kids’ friends and classmates. You’ll also meet this one.
Sorry Diane but I just don't have the emotional fortitude to hear what goes into hot dogs right now.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) September 1, 2016
For a vision of the future, teach your children about the worst department at whatever job they ultimately inhabit.
This is Roberta in HR. Tomorrow is Lord Anubis Glitchy Sarcophagus day. Please dress accordingly.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) September 1, 2016
Dreams do come true, but maybe don’t be too vague when helping shape those dreams.
I gave up my dream of visiting Fantasy Island long ago, but then a strip club with that name opened up near me, so my wish came true.
— Meh me once… (@TheAlexNevil) September 1, 2016
But reality demands heroes.
Years ago while walking in the woods I saw an owl eat a kids tootsie pop in 3 licks and did nothing about it. Don't talk to me about regret.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) August 28, 2016
Heroes like this one.
I've been rejected by a sock and a chihuahua before so don't tell me about your problems.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) August 17, 2016
You may have daughters, but that doesn’t mean they can’t learn some hardcore Bear Grylls-type outdoor skills. Don’t limit them.
I'd make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) February 4, 2016
Me: my clutch broke He: the pink or black one?Me: the one in my car. And your balls are in the pink one.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) August 27, 2016
On the other hand, different strokes for different folks. (Also, this guy is going to end up a supervillain.)
I threaten people with violence a lot for someone that has decorative throw pillows.
— (Not) Travis ↩ (@zloeffler) August 29, 2016
Lastly, almost, it’s a dog eat dog world out there. The competition is savage and being a ruthless utilitarian, while often unglamorous, has its benefits.
"I better leave it there so I know where it is" I said, seeing a spatula on the floor of my bedroom.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) June 25, 2016
When Dr. Frankenstein stepped back from his creation, he saw what he’d done. Yes, he’d created life, but despite his best intentions, he could not control it. Life finds a way, as another doctor once explained. And that way often leaves a raft of destruction in its wake. No worries, though, there is an explanation, albeit not necessarily a good one.
Explain yourself. *waving hands franticly* no no no not that explanation, a better one
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) September 1, 2016