Many years ago, there was a populist named William Jennings Bryan, also known as “The Boy Orator of the Platte,” who rode an anti-market and economically illiterate message all the way to the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Once the election came, he got his ass handed to him and helped initiate a generation of Republican dominance.
Today, we don’t have a boy orator, although we do have one with boy-sized hands who is equally fond of economic illiteracy. This time, the populist is nominally a Republican, although equally equipped to help the opposing party maintain its move toward a generation of dominance.
Today, we don’t hear much about crosses of gold or free silver, but 2016 is a different time than 1896. In 2016 we aren’t bound by precious metals, or in the case of Bitcoin even tangible assets. As we progress, who knows what sort of currency the future will bring.
Clerk: that'll be $10.25M: [hands him a lizard]C: it's still $10.25M: [hands him lizard sized hat]C:M: [slowly slides him tiny monocle]
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) June 9, 2016
A benefit of going with organic currency is availability.
FRIEND: hey while I'm on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?ME: FRIEND:ME: to what?
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) July 29, 2016
Another option, particularly for metropolitan residents.
Sometimes I just wish I was a squirrel.
— Baberaham Lincoln (@theekillerqueen) July 28, 2016
For those of us out in the exurbs and other rural areas, there are more exciting options.
Anyone up for some light falcon riding?
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) June 5, 2015
Don’t look a gift horse, or lizard, in the mouth.
There was a gecko in my toilet this morning. This would have been good information to have before I sat down.
— FleurDeLea (@Celestinelea90) June 21, 2016
Of course, currency will be not just regionally specific, but also continentally, with some exceptions.
Siri, say "the dingo ate my baby".
— QueenofDirtySarcasm (@420SassyBlonde) July 29, 2016
Banks will also take on a decidedly different appearance.
"welcome to the rabbit hole", I said, as we clinked, winked, and slipped, and I caught you by a hare…
— tankgrrrl (@speknyc) July 31, 2016
Flying currency would be the hardest to obtain, and thus the most valuable.
Have you ever seen a 35-year-old woman singing "Single Ladies" while scrubbing a bird bath? If you're my neighbor, you can say you have.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 31, 2016
Unless you have a flying house, then you can collect a wealth of birds.
Sometimes I wish I were Dorothy, because I really like dogs and also because I want to crush someone with a house.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) July 25, 2016
Quick, throw some lizards and squirrels at the manager. Make it rain and a Frosty shall be yours!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it's still "Lisa, you've been banned from this Wendy's".
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) July 26, 2016
One problem with organic currency is portability. We shouldn’t let that be a deterrent, though.
A giraffe stands right up, it’s head in the branches, eats a leaf and whispers into a cats ear “you’re stuck in that tree bitch”.
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) July 11, 2015
Look, we’re always going to have to deal with inflation.
Even though cashews have the word cash in them, the most expensive nuts are the ones that turn into children with legal problems.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) June 18, 2015
Don’t discount the revitalizing power of all electrolytes.
[Pours sports drink on a dead reptile]"WTF are you doing?"Administering gatorade."Idiot.That's a crocodile. You gotta use Powerade."
— Nictitating Manbrain (@robotmouthfarts) June 20, 2016
Soothing counts as a form of payment.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) August 2, 2016
Currency battles are real.
[hiking]Me: I was stalked by a coyote on this trail. Him: Different path? Me: No. We'll be fine. *gets mauled by a mountain lion*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 3, 2016
It’s an undisputable argument for relative value. Really undisputable.
I can patiently wait for a family of ducks to cross the road but if there's a biker in the street mildly slowing me down I will cut someone.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 10, 2016
A silverfish would never betray you.
Your pet goldfish is a spy.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 1, 2016
You never know when you’ll need to pay.
[he picks me up on 1st date]Him: What do you have there?Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) June 16, 2016
There’s also the fact that service is worth something.
"Ma'am, you are sitting in a machine gunner row. In the event of a sky pirate attack you'll be required to fire in short controlled bursts."
— Sarcastic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) August 2, 2016
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 2, 2016
Another example, unless you’re a conscientious objector.
not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift
— huntigula (@huntigula) July 20, 2016
But what made Taylor mad? Maybe this.
[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
— BJ (@iamburtjarvis) August 2, 2016
Or suggesting that, at this point, she try this.
*sexts self, tells myself I'm pretty*
— Dollface Me (@dollfaceiam) November 14, 2014
No matter what monetary system, freegans get no respect.
Missed connection:You had had beautiful brown hair and slinky green dress, I was licking gravy from plates in the kitchen
— Gogglepossum (@gogglepossum) August 2, 2016
Is that like a reverse mortgage?
TETRIS IS JUST REVERSE JENGA
— ann (@omically) August 2, 2016
A brave truth-teller such as this would never get elected.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.ME: IT'S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT'S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
— The Pale Rider (@truegritrumble) August 1, 2016
I don’t know. Are we going Dutch?
Netflix and dig a hole in the backyard?
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 30, 2016
First you take my money because I lost, then you issue a sick burn. That’s not sportsmanship.
Shot through the heart,And you're to blame,Darlin' try & improve,Your dart game
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) August 1, 2016
Look, water isn’t money, no matter the form. Stop trying.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) July 30, 2016
Are you asking about free silver? Because no, no it isn’t.
Is it possible to dabble in something other than the occult?
— Tups (@Tups13) July 27, 2016
We’re not paying to cool the outdoors.
(Dad Royal Rumble)Announcer: No one has reached the thermostat yet! I'm shocked!Ex-champ announcer: *lips on mic* Hi shocked, I'm dad.
— Boog (@BoogTweets) July 30, 2016
Home renovations are expensive, okay?
Me: So, umm. Does the carpet match the drapes?Medusa: [Deep manly voice] Sure does, big guy. *winks*
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) July 29, 2016
That car better be insured or so help me.
[Driving off a cliff]This feels right
— Clam Dive (@ClamDive) July 30, 2016
Excessive exterior lighting, while signaling boss status, is also expensive.
I'll show myself out.(Immediately gets lost)
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) July 30, 2016
Those things aren’t cheap.
*At a funeral*Me: I'm sorry about Jim.Widow: *violently crying* Thank you.Me: Did he mention anything about who gets the pool table?
— Comedic Bust (@ComedicBust) July 29, 2016
That’s just good sense.
Zeus: Sisyphus, you have 2 choices. Roll this boulder up a mountain for eternity or clean up after young children for–Sisyphus: Boulder.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) July 21, 2016
Guessing she’s a fan of silver. And gold. And probably platinum.
Nile crocodiles have the most jaw power of the animal kingdom, but a human female's jaw power can ruin a whole financial kingdom.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) June 28, 2016
Once you get past how the fear, you can find the worth.
"Someday we will look back on this and laugh" I say, as I toss a clown out of a moving vehicle
— literally a gun (@JermHimselfish) July 15, 2016
Depends on what critter you’re bartering with.
I'm bored with dieting and exercise. How much is cocaine going for these days?
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) July 19, 2016
Well, yeah, but we can also kill and eat them.
The cool thing is, when I'm 40, social media won't matter because we'll all be fighting badgers for canned meats.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) August 4, 2016
He’s small, but he’ll fry up real nice.
If I feel love for our new pet fish does that mean i'm not dead inside or does it mean there's something wrong with me bc I love a fish
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 2, 2016
Case in point.
Trolling 101:[ at an Aquarium store, looking at a tank full of tropical fish ]*Holds up a sesame seed bun*
— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced) August 1, 2016
On the other hand, being a skillful orator has its downsides.
Sorry my exuberance frightened everyone.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 31, 2016
Whether gold or silver, all we really want is fabulous destruction. A chance to shine along the yellow brick road to an existential battle with flying monkeys and whatnot. But such is our birthright, our chance to shine. And if we don’t take it now, then when? This isn’t a contest of ability, but principle. Just in case, though, let us have a caveat.
if beautiful disaster is a thing, i guess i am stunning
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) March 18, 2016