Skip to content
Media Suddenly Concerned About Embryos Because They're Palestinian
Humor

This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 61

By: Rich Cromwell
9 min read

Lemme tell y’all about the cross of lizards.

Author Rich Cromwell profile
Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
More Articles
Share

Many years ago, there was a populist named William Jennings Bryan, also known as “The Boy Orator of the Platte,” who rode an anti-market and economically illiterate message all the way to the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination. Once the election came, he got his ass handed to him and helped initiate a generation of Republican dominance.

Today, we don’t have a boy orator, although we do have one with boy-sized hands who is equally fond of economic illiteracy. This time, the populist is nominally a Republican, although equally equipped to help the opposing party maintain its move toward a generation of dominance.

Today, we don’t hear much about crosses of gold or free silver, but 2016 is a different time than 1896. In 2016 we aren’t bound by precious metals, or in the case of Bitcoin even tangible assets. As we progress, who knows what sort of currency the future will bring.


A benefit of going with organic currency is availability.


Another option, particularly for metropolitan residents.

For those of us out in the exurbs and other rural areas, there are more exciting options.


Don’t look a gift horse, or lizard, in the mouth.


Of course, currency will be not just regionally specific, but also continentally, with some exceptions.


Banks will also take on a decidedly different appearance.


Flying currency would be the hardest to obtain, and thus the most valuable.


Unless you have a flying house, then you can collect a wealth of birds.


Quick, throw some lizards and squirrels at the manager. Make it rain and a Frosty shall be yours!


One problem with organic currency is portability. We shouldn’t let that be a deterrent, though.


Look, we’re always going to have to deal with inflation.


Don’t discount the revitalizing power of all electrolytes.


Soothing counts as a form of payment.


Currency battles are real.


It’s an undisputable argument for relative value. Really undisputable.


A silverfish would never betray you.


You never know when you’ll need to pay.


There’s also the fact that service is worth something.


For example.


Another example, unless you’re a conscientious objector.


But what made Taylor mad? Maybe this.


Or suggesting that, at this point, she try this.


No matter what monetary system, freegans get no respect.


Is that like a reverse mortgage?


A brave truth-teller such as this would never get elected.


I don’t know. Are we going Dutch?


First you take my money because I lost, then you issue a sick burn. That’s not sportsmanship.


Look, water isn’t money, no matter the form. Stop trying.


Are you asking about free silver? Because no, no it isn’t.


We’re not paying to cool the outdoors.


Home renovations are expensive, okay?


That car better be insured or so help me.


Excessive exterior lighting, while signaling boss status, is also expensive.


Those things aren’t cheap.


That’s just good sense.


Guessing she’s a fan of silver. And gold. And probably platinum.


Once you get past how the fear, you can find the worth.


Depends on what critter you’re bartering with.


Well, yeah, but we can also kill and eat them.


He’s small, but he’ll fry up real nice.


Case in point.


On the other hand, being a skillful orator has its downsides.


Whether gold or silver, all we really want is fabulous destruction. A chance to shine along the yellow brick road to an existential battle with flying monkeys and whatnot. But such is our birthright, our chance to shine. And if we don’t take it now, then when? This isn’t a contest of ability, but principle. Just in case, though, let us have a caveat.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

More from Humor

View All

Latest

View All