Summer is officially here. I celebrated by getting a new air conditioner, although I didn’t have much choice in the matter. Consequently, I’m also now on the market—the black market. At least, my organs are. Because if there’s one thing we can agree on with regard to HVAC systems, they’re really expensive.
Some don’t appreciate the cool awesomeness of sweet air, that most conditioned of airs. Either they’re tougher than I am or they live outside of the damp humidity swamp that is the country south of the Mason Dixon. I could go on, but I’m feeling refreshed with the throaty hum of the new unit and its concomitant blasts of icy refreshment and will let it go for now. Come to think of it, maybe Elsa was letting it go because she discovered she was a walking air conditioner.
If I ever say "end rant" just assume I'm totally lying.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) June 16, 2016
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, or maybe it just prepares us for the other side.
Based on how hot it is here, Hell shouldn't be a problem.
— Jodih (@jodihull77) June 16, 2016
Maybe it was just the heat.
Sleeping pills are nice for getting some needed rest & someone call 911 theres a herd of meerkats chasing a decapitated lion thru my bedroom
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) June 15, 2016
The joke’s on you because I just combusted.
The next time someone calls you crazy, prove them right by setting them on fire.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) June 11, 2016
Especially when it’s hot and you don’t want to move.
There's nothing more heartbreaking than hearing your child scream in agony. Unless he's calling for your spouse. Then it's their probem.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 17, 2016
Way to chicken out on being a pioneer.
I went swimming today and I saw a seal and it swam towards me twice and I panicked even though I know they don't eat people. Yet.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) June 18, 2016
But what if it’s a seal named The Rhythm?
Trust me, even the rhythm doesn't want to get you.
— angie b (@angibangie) May 20, 2016
Mostly because he had no rhythm.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn't drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
— cloudy pants (@cloudypianos) June 4, 2016
It’s especially great during the summer when you want to just lie back and chill.
On casual Fridays I wear a hammock.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) June 17, 2016
Does she wear a hammock or what?
Daenerys Targaryen, First of Her Name, Khaleesi of the Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Freer of dem tittays
— Jenn (@heyevergreen) May 18, 2016
It kind of opens you up for attack, though.
Being naked in public is the only way to ensure strangers will respect your personal space.
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) February 25, 2016
It was such a romantic series.
Twilight (2008): A really old guy who is sometimes sparkly hits on a high school girl.
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) June 13, 2016
Maybe it was a vampire.
I like to imagine that the first person to ever see a stop sign is still sitting there.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) June 10, 2016
Is he interviewing to be an HVAC technician? Because if he is this response has more validity.
Me: you ever want to just burn down a building? Boss: i meant questions about the jobMe: oh, k. you ever want to burn down THIS building?
— (Drunk) Duck (@druuuck) November 10, 2015
At least it doesn’t commit arson. Yet.
"Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here's the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands."
— Sir Real Visions (@PajamaStew) October 21, 2015
Give her a break, she’s hot and flustered.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES! *2 hours later has organised a small festival*Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
— The Lady of Whatever (@Bexdora) January 28, 2016
Also point out that you’re wearing your party planning glasses.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
— Jess (@jessokfine) April 3, 2015
Guess what glasses she’s wearing?
7yo keeps calling me "The Dark Lord" as though I'm supposed to be offended instead of flattered.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 16, 2016
The basement is where the Dark Lord keeps her washer and dryer.
Everyone who accuses me of being a failure who lives in his mom's basement is stupid. I live in my mom's attic. The basement is scary.
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) June 20, 2016
Mom?
{first date} H: And this is the basement. Me: What's up with the Romeo and Juliet scene 5 tomb set? Are those…vials?
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) June 23, 2016
It’s an evil garment and you should run screaming.
My doctor is wearing a polka dot mock turtleneck presumably from the 80's and now I can't trust her judgment about anything.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 20, 2016
You have to. It’s what the doctor ordered.
Are you going to stand there and criticize my schemes or are you going to help me mail these particularly cranky wolverines to my enemies?
— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 17, 2016
She also suggested this as a new form of juice cleansing, though, so maybe you shouldn’t trust her.
Let's be honest, dishwasher pods look pretty tasty.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) June 20, 2016
Fashion favors the bold and those willing to make their own rules.
[nudist beach] ME: Thought I'd be intimidated. BF: People are staring. M: Cuz I'm hot. B: No, you're wearing a snowsuit. M: Still hot.
— sondra dee (@SondraDeeMe) June 21, 2016
I like where she’s going with this.
Oh great. Just overheard some mega spoilers about the season finale of Gremlin Lifeguard.
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) June 21, 2016
They watch Gremlin Lifeguard together.
(Bar) Him-Are you seeing anyone? Me-Oh yes. [I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
— sicily (@toomanytoes) June 2, 2015
Though maybe there’s a surprising twist at the end.
If you eat enough Greek yogurt, a hologram of John Stamos appears and cage fights Jamie Lee Curtis.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) June 22, 2016
Man, there are animals everywhere. You just have to catch them.
interviewer: why do you want this jobme: i've just always been very passionate about not starving to death
— milty (@themiltron) April 3, 2016
See?
The power-plant raccoons have relocated and established a system of barter with the out-of-work factory bots squatting in our back yard.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) June 7, 2016
They’re really everywhere. You have to learn to establish dominance.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) June 22, 2016
To master them, you must think like them.
Zith Morean may be a lewd saboteur but he can crack skulls with the ferocity of 10,000 chipmunks
— taff-E be'ning'tõn (@singwithTaffy) June 14, 2016
Otherwise, they master you.
I once dated a guy for 3 weeks before I realized he was just a duffel bag full of squirrels
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) May 14, 2016
These guys knew what was up.
Caveman 1: Wolves are scary, we should kill those guys. Caveman 2: Nah, let's domesticate them so we can rub their bellies. C1: Good call.
— Raymundo (@muyrando) November 11, 2015
Also replicants who release doves in the rain.
People who go jogging in the rain have killed and will kill again
— b r u c e (@BruceForce) April 19, 2016
Another grim aspect of the future.
The year is 2054. My casket's being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle. A 15 second ad plays.
— literally a gun (@JermHimselfish) June 15, 2016
It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
"I hate when I can't think of the right word," she protesticulated.
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) May 2, 2016
As is this one.
3 with a clipboard: I'm the school pregnantor. Me: Um. What? 3: The pregnantor. I'm in charge of the students. Me: The principle? 3: Ya. Me:
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) June 2, 2016
These are my favorite stories.
Once upon a time, You weren't listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 19, 2016
They don’t call it stripper flakes for no reason.
Covered in glitter. Strippers and parents of 4yo girls.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 22, 2016
Keep your kids productive this summer. It’s tradition.
"Dad, I cant sleep." Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB. "Dad Im seven-" Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 6, 2014
You have to support them in their endeavors to make it effective, though.
Warning to all residents, if you see a little girl selling lemonade on the side of the road after dark do not stop.
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) June 23, 2016
Kids should probably take this to heart, too.
My life is extremely similar to Rihanna's song.. Just work work work work, and the rest of it I can't really understand
— Rebecca (@Reba_aa) March 14, 2016
All the reason anyone needs.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) February 6, 2013
Well, also the complexity and depth.
I like most of you… You’re deep, rich, and quite refreshing. Thank you for that! -Me, as I stare into my beer fridge.
— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced) June 23, 2016
Then he twirled his mustache and took off on his penny farthing.
I was the first person to be like everyone else.
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) June 15, 2016
After which, this happened.
The barely visible seams of the trap door go unnoticed as I get you right where I want you.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) June 23, 2016
Don’t ask why, it’s the season.
Don't try to read my mind, you'll get lost.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 9, 2016
Thankfully, it’s not without its charms.
Her: I'm bored… Me: It's nice, right?
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) June 21, 2016
But back to drinking, because it’s hot and it’s summer and it’s time to relax.
ME: What if we made a beer called "The Mondays"? So like, you could have a case of the mondays lolEXECUTIONER: Those are your last words?
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) June 17, 2016
Although the air is chilly and sweet indoors, we still must walk from here to there, and that gives us opportunity to, as David Lee Roth would say, go crazy from the heat. Embrace it, bask in it, radiate it back out from you. Let them see us smiling ‘cause it’s easy to tell.
Be the brand of crazy you wanna see in the world.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) June 22, 2016
