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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 53

summer play

In the summer time, when the weather is hot, I suggest paying someone to watch your kids.


Summer vacation is here. For parents, it can be a time of stress and insanity, particularly for parents who stay at home with their kids. No more are there a few hours in the day in which total destruction is not being rained upon the house as tiny destructors roam about looking to wantonly dispense their ire. There’s coloring, pleasure reading, summer reading, lessons of all sorts, and, for the sake of a few moments of “peace,” shows like “Special Agent Oso” and “Daniel Tiger.”

Others of us have an altogether different experience: we pay a college student to take care of all that stuff for us. College students come with their own challenges, but at least they tend to be energetic and more patient when it comes to things like a “special agent” whose mystery-solving is limited to things like “how to eat spaghetti without spilling it” and “how to work a doorknob.” As such, while it may be pricey, it keeps us sane enough to still pursue our own interests, and that makes it worth every penny.

It’s possible she just wanted some peace and quiet.

His father looks down and tells him to stop trying to air condition the outdoors.

At least he died doing what he loved.

Add some adrenaline to the mix and you’ll do better. Maybe try while being chased by wolves?

It’s summer. Go ahead and get wild.

Are we talking murder here or like jaywalking?

Or are we talking extreme memorial service types of crimes?

Or maybe crimes of passion?

He’s just trying to be thoughtful.

What about lizard people?

At least he has thumbs. Accentuate the positive.

I’m not sure what the problem is here. ‘Tis the season to let your hair down.

That’s the spirit.

I recommend college girls. They’re great at this sort of thing.

Then, to make sure they served it up cold, greet them thusly.

It’s okay; I know.

In case you were wondering why, it was President Clinton’s instrument of choice.

Summer break just started! You haven’t outsourced yet, have you?

I hope she isn’t a teacher on summer break. Or even a summer school teacher.

At least there were no wolves involved.

Just because it’s for kids doesn’t mean you can’t party. Go for the gusto and maybe a little hair of the wolf…errr dog.

There’s a chance it’s about to get worse, a whole lot worse.

This is actually cooler than the real thing.

I’m going to trust her on this, especially if we’re talking people who cruise at or below the speed limit in the left lane.

Because God forbid they actually go outside.

What if you die from something other than being eaten by wolves?

There’s also this to consider.

Okay, what about this: What if it’s called “The Prince Husband” and is actually a biopic of the musician?

You and me both.

Well that’s rude.

I just need your bank account number so I can transfer the funds from your Nigerian uncle.

Mustard or GTFO.

“How to make potato salad.”

Didn’t this guy win the Triple Crown?

Banksy has nothing on this guy.

I guess I should spell it out for you using large print, then.

This may be better than being a dragon.

If we’re talking about you-know-who it was sort of predictable, though.

If we’d stop voting for “reign of terror” this wouldn’t happen.

He’s just getting ready to hit the links ‘cause it’s summer!

And more day drinking. Don’t forget that key element.

Another perk of summer vacation? We get time off from this nonsense.

But it’s summer.

On the other hand, it’s summer and that means travel. And questions. So many questions.

I bet he was a delightful child.

Summer love happens so fast.

So you’re saying they probably won’t get to us?

At least it wasn’t an orange one.

It beats the alternatives, unless you can be a fire-breathing dragon.


Not word.

This is next-level dad, right here.

But was his mustache perfectly waxed? WAS IT?




Just kidding. It’s actually pretty fun when they’re young.

Get out there. Enjoy the time with friends and family, the grilling, the swimming, the boating, the drinking. Maybe not all at the same time. And don’t forget to chase your dreams while you’re at it.