Summer vacation is here. For parents, it can be a time of stress and insanity, particularly for parents who stay at home with their kids. No more are there a few hours in the day in which total destruction is not being rained upon the house as tiny destructors roam about looking to wantonly dispense their ire. There’s coloring, pleasure reading, summer reading, lessons of all sorts, and, for the sake of a few moments of “peace,” shows like “Special Agent Oso” and “Daniel Tiger.”
Others of us have an altogether different experience: we pay a college student to take care of all that stuff for us. College students come with their own challenges, but at least they tend to be energetic and more patient when it comes to things like a “special agent” whose mystery-solving is limited to things like “how to eat spaghetti without spilling it” and “how to work a doorknob.” As such, while it may be pricey, it keeps us sane enough to still pursue our own interests, and that makes it worth every penny.
HIM: Whatcha doin' tonight?
ME: Releasing the shadow of an ancient horror.
— Super Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 6, 2016
It’s possible she just wanted some peace and quiet.
ONE CHOOSY MOM DID NOT CHOOSE JIF AND HER PUNISHMENT WAS EXILE…SHE SITS ALONE, LONG MAD, EATING SKIPPY FROM A SPOON CARVED OF BONE.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) June 1, 2016
His father looks down and tells him to stop trying to air condition the outdoors.
Weary from battle, he collapses onto the hillside, riled by the day’s injustices. He contemplates his long-dead father’s thoughts on valor.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) June 2, 2016
At least he died doing what he loved.
Me, 1st day as scout leader: Lets thank god that Timmy was an ample meal for the wolves, but if his parents ask I did try to fight them off.
— Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) May 27, 2016
Add some adrenaline to the mix and you’ll do better. Maybe try while being chased by wolves?
I don't trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) May 20, 2015
It’s summer. Go ahead and get wild.
Must've been some magic in this old silk hat I found, for when I put it on my head the powers of darkness overtook me. I even killed a guy.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) May 28, 2016
Are we talking murder here or like jaywalking?
I just want a man that loves me enough to confess to a crime he didn't commit.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) May 27, 2016
Or are we talking extreme memorial service types of crimes?
*launches a flaming arrow into my guinea pig's funeral pyre*
*crying as it combusts*
Mall Security: Hey what's goi…FIRE IN THE FOUNTAIN!
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) March 13, 2016
Or maybe crimes of passion?
-I'm looking for a cocktail dress
-What exactly do you have in mind?
-Sex, but let's focus on a dress.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) June 2, 2016
He’s just trying to be thoughtful.
Do I what? No. Of course I don't think you're a lizard person!
*moves take-out box of live crickets to the back of the cupboard*
— Grumblr™ (@ohthatbadger) May 25, 2016
What about lizard people?
Rules are what separate us from the animals!
Well. And thumbs. Except primates. And raccoons. I forgot where I was going with this.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) May 30, 2016
At least he has thumbs. Accentuate the positive.
As I sit at the kitchen table and watch my son eat soup with his bare hands, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 5, 2016
I’m not sure what the problem is here. ‘Tis the season to let your hair down.
I'm sorry I licked your face during your grandmother's eulogy, I'm not good at flirting.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 31, 2016
That’s the spirit.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
— ʝo̥ Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) June 3, 2016
I recommend college girls. They’re great at this sort of thing.
I've subcontracted my revenge. Some people don't deserve the personal touch.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) June 3, 2016
Then, to make sure they served it up cold, greet them thusly.
Instead of "hello," try saying "it's ok; I know," solemnly to the people you interact with and see what they confess.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) June 3, 2016
It’s okay; I know.
"Umm…excuse me, this pogo stick is broken"
"Ma'am I just planted that tree"
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) June 3, 2016
In case you were wondering why, it was President Clinton’s instrument of choice.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
— Lord Goomba (@ObscureGent) October 7, 2014
Summer break just started! You haven’t outsourced yet, have you?
I've had just about enough of time and its deleterious effects.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) June 4, 2016
I hope she isn’t a teacher on summer break. Or even a summer school teacher.
Frogs seen harmless and innocent but they will kill you in your sleep.
— SuperSardonicTart™ (@SardonicTart) June 5, 2016
At least there were no wolves involved.
She died doing what she loved: falling asleep with hobos.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) May 24, 2016
Just because it’s for kids doesn’t mean you can’t party. Go for the gusto and maybe a little hair of the wolf…errr dog.
There's a 99.9% chance that I'm the only one hungover at this kid's party I'm hosting.
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) June 5, 2016
There’s a chance it’s about to get worse, a whole lot worse.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
"You would not believe the day I had"
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 16, 2014
This is actually cooler than the real thing.
If duct-taping a Matchbox Trans Am to one's ear & pretending it's a Bluetooth device is wrong, then maybe – hang on.
I've got to take this.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) July 9, 2014
I’m going to trust her on this, especially if we’re talking people who cruise at or below the speed limit in the left lane.
Anyone driving the exact speed limit has a body in the trunk so it's okay to ram them.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) May 29, 2016
Because God forbid they actually go outside.
Me: "You kids aren't getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!"
Grandma: "Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing."
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) December 1, 2015
What if you die from something other than being eaten by wolves?
If there isn't an open bar at my funeral then consider my life a failure.
— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) May 18, 2016
There’s also this to consider.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with "Her reign of terror is finally over."
— Kris V (@krisv_723) June 5, 2016
Okay, what about this: What if it’s called “The Prince Husband” and is actually a biopic of the musician?
How can you possibly sleep when there's probably some asshole in Hollywood right now thinking of ways to remake The Princess Bride.
— That Carly Girl (@thatcarlygirl) June 30, 2015
You and me both.
I'm still pissed that I wasn't born a fire breathing dragon.
— ElizaBOOM (@PowKaPowBoom) October 18, 2015
Well that’s rude.
[kissing in a cemetery]
Me: You’re right. There’s nothing to be scared of
Him (seeing a pale figure): AHHH!
M: K I’ll put my shirt back on
— It's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) June 5, 2016
I just need your bank account number so I can transfer the funds from your Nigerian uncle.
fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice or 3 times or whatever, then I dunno man, I haven't fully recovered from that concussion yet
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) June 6, 2016
Mustard or GTFO.
So Southern, their divorce involved
a recipe for Potato Salad.
— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) June 6, 2016
“How to make potato salad.”
of course I googled it I'm not a damn rocket surgeon
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) June 6, 2016
Didn’t this guy win the Triple Crown?
HORSERADISH: When a horse is sorta kinda cool.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) May 14, 2016
Banksy has nothing on this guy.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) September 22, 2015
I guess I should spell it out for you using large print, then.
Sorry, I didn't hear anything you just said because I was picturing a cat wearing reading glasses.
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) June 7, 2016
This may be better than being a dragon.
I don't ask for much out of life. Love, complete spiritual enlightenment, and the chance to use a flame thrower at least a couple times.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) June 8, 2016
If we’re talking about you-know-who it was sort of predictable, though.
I'm sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) May 8, 2016
If we’d stop voting for “reign of terror” this wouldn’t happen.
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) February 25, 2016
He’s just getting ready to hit the links ‘cause it’s summer!
Let my kindergartener pick his own outfit this morning so if you see what appears to be a tiny, colorblind golfer do not be alarmed.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 5, 2015
And more day drinking. Don’t forget that key element.
Vacation with kids is really just a relocation for all the yelling and whining.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) August 2, 2015
Another perk of summer vacation? We get time off from this nonsense.
[5 seconds into school play]
Well this is stupid.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) June 5, 2016
But it’s summer.
Me: We are ordering family style tonight Carl.
Bartender: *sighs* Bar, we've been through this. You don't order cocktails family style.
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) May 31, 2016
On the other hand, it’s summer and that means travel. And questions. So many questions.
My child is trying to murder me via repetition. Pray for me.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) June 2, 2016
I bet he was a delightful child.
I once spent 45 minutes writing a strongly worded review about my disappointment in sandwich quality. So, don't talk to me about dedication.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) May 29, 2016
Summer love happens so fast.
If i had a tranquilizer gun & a taser, i know we could have something really special.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) June 1, 2016
So you’re saying they probably won’t get to us?
Improbable universes spin off and evaporate. Occasionally one is slightly probable and hangs around awhile. That is where the ghosts live.
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) April 4, 2016
At least it wasn’t an orange one.
Maybe giving my kid a blue lollipop on picture day wasn't my best choice.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) June 6, 2016
It beats the alternatives, unless you can be a fire-breathing dragon.
I'm pretty much over this whole "being human" thing.
— @sshole (@Lisa_Laughs_) August 16, 2015
My mathlete name is Trap Queen because I know a lot about trapezoids
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) May 27, 2016
THANK GOD I LEARNED THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TRAPEZOID AND A PARALLELOGRAM INSTEAD OF HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL IN MY CAR.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) May 20, 2016
This is next-level dad, right here.
If you make fun of the cargo pockets on my swim trunks you probably won't be getting one of the friendship bracelets I keep in them.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 2, 2016
But was his mustache perfectly waxed? WAS IT?
A hipster just pulled up next to me at a stoplight blaring Radiohead. Pablo Honey. Vinyl. On a record player. Riding a unicycle.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) May 28, 2016
Once you were a bright-eyed kid with a world of possibilities ahead of you, and now you're a grown adult who looks forward to garbage day.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 11, 2016
With a sonorous voice & a conflicted heart, he told his tale.
But I, full of drink & food, fell to slumber.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) May 21, 2016
Anyone : Big plans over the weekend?
Me: don't make me hurt you
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) June 3, 2016
Just kidding. It’s actually pretty fun when they’re young.
Aw! Look at you scoundrels. So cute.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) June 8, 2016
Get out there. Enjoy the time with friends and family, the grilling, the swimming, the boating, the drinking. Maybe not all at the same time. And don’t forget to chase your dreams while you’re at it.
Oh, what up Monsieur Quasar.
who me? poppin' chewin' gum waiting for you to spin out a galaxy.
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) May 30, 2016