On May 22, 2015, a compilation was born. Now, 52 weeks later, we’ve reached its first birthday. Why is this only Volume 51, then? I took a Friday off. It happens, though apparently only once in the past year. Maybe twice.
Since that time, this bouncing baby has grown into a wild and unpredictable toddler, albeit armed and with a well-stocked liquor cabinet, some fire, an active imagination, and a highly developed sense of sarcasm.
So join me now as we celebrate this very important milestone with fire and cake and a party boat located somewhere in the ocean. I promise to smash the cake into bite-sized crumbles first, as is customary for first birthdays, and share it with everyone. You’re on your own for fire and a life vest.
Your birthday party sounds great, but I must decline the invitation.
My ferret, Mr. Ruggles, has a grooming appointment that day.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) February 17, 2016
What about birthday parties?
*softly puts my finger against your lips*
*whispers*
Tell me more about DJ'ing at weddings and bar mitzvahs.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) December 14, 2015
Pretty much all of them do, even this boisterous one-year-old.
(Looking at a picture of your newborn baby) Why are you holding Voldemort
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) May 16, 2016
At this party, held in international waters, both are permissible if not exactly recommended.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
— Corey Paterson (@Midgetspar) March 29, 2016
Maybe I should rethink allowing the Ouija boards.
Put on this friendship bracelet, yes it's supposed to hurt, no you can't take it off, yes that's your soul leaving, yes I'm glowing now
— Super Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) January 25, 2016
There won’t just be cake, but punch, too. Well, smoothies. We’re healthy.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender's saying it's called a "Mojito."
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 12, 2016
He’s going to really like my cake crumbles. You’ll probably be a bigger fan of the smoothies.
My son ate a Twinkie off the bus floor today but sure, plz tell me all about your family's raw diet. In detail.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 17, 2016
We like party crashers here. Help yourself, and may I fill your cup?
Stood politely by the birthday cake waiting to be offered a piece, but instead I get "M'am, do you even have a child at this party?"
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 28, 2016
Too many smoothies.
On my friend's 34th birthday she got a sitter for her kids, and then accidentally fell asleep in her minivan.
The future awaits you, youth.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 29, 2016
It’s a party. Live it up.
I need an attitude adjustment.
*pours another drink
— Crazy Stalker Mom (@texasstalkermom) May 15, 2016
This seems like the perfect activity for us all.
A bounce house at a 2 year old's birthday party is like a toddler version of the Hunger Games.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 8, 2014
But we can’t just stop at one game. We need a plethora of activities.
A vagina shaped pinata for my child to destroy on his Bday because historical accuracy is important.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 20, 2016
What about at someone else’s party?
It's a shame now that I'm old enough to want to forget about my birthday I'm too old to get black out drunk at my birthday party.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 17, 2012
Not at this party. We have a strict no-photography rule to avoid having to destroy evidence.
Failing as a mom used to mean leaving a kid at a gas station but now it means not doing a photoshoot with the first birthday smash cake.
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) March 9, 2016
Healthy green smoothies will do that to you.
To the father sleeping at this kid's birthday party: Kudos, sir, I like your style.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 5, 2013
You just have to fight through and turn yourself around, though. This is a party.
As I gaze at my many Hokey Pokey roller skating trophies from long ago birthday parties, YES, I do feel a tad superior to all of you.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) April 25, 2016
C’mere and let me tell you about a magical party in international waters.
Spent the morning on Pinterest for ideas for my kid's birthday party.
Someone please start talking about hookers and blow.
— Abhorrent Housewife (@abhorrent_wife) May 14, 2013
I’ve got good news and better news.
If you invite me to your toddler's birthday party on a Friday night, there better be an open bar.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 26, 2016
Maybe the whole “Hunger Games” thing went a little wrong. On the other hand, wishes do sometimes come true.
I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun
— beth likes cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 13, 2016
Out here, you don’t have to explain anything.
if you're lucky enough to reach your hand through the void, you grab whatever you can feel – yank it out and try to explain it later right?
— Seamus O'flaugherty (@seamussaid) May 17, 2016
Cake won’t sustain us throughout the afternoon and night. We’ll need a hearty soup.
In a fin-de-siècle kitchen, the docent wields an axe used to split open turtles, her face alight with what I hope is only scholarly interest
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) April 5, 2016
Not out here. We give this kid a high five and then roast the duck to go with our soup.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, "Duck". His mother slaps him.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) May 6, 2016
So you’re up for adoption? I am accepting applications.
I went to a toga party on acid and woke up naked on a trampoline at the lifeguard station, and that's when my family disowned me.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) May 11, 2014
To everyone here and everyone throughout the year, you’re all my favorites. Especially you, whoever you are.
All three of my sons think they're my favorite. Of course I can only have one favorite and that is the youngest one. I forget his name.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 16, 2016
This is doubly true given that I’ve installed a very intricate security system on our party boat. I’ve also got some pirates and ninjas, although I think I saw the former getting into the smoothies.
It's gonna take a highly trained tactical team to rescue me from myself.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) May 17, 2016
Remember what I said about evidence? Time to shred that bucket list.
*checks off "identify carnage left by a werewolf" from bucket list
— Doughnuts & Tiaras (@AmnesiaRose) May 16, 2016
Good, good. We can’t have rodents getting into the supplies. Also, we might need you to fight some of the stuff the kids summoned with the Ouija board.
My cat dropped a dead mouse in a puddle by my feet as an offering, and now I'm pondering my first order as High Priestess of felines.
— sondra dee (@SondraDeeMe) May 11, 2016
Not this one. It’s new and improved and, shall we say, fortified.
The "it's a small world" ride as enhanced interrogation technique.
— α geek (@alfageeek) May 6, 2016
I’m starting to think I should start a consulting firm that helps people plan these things.
[kid's party]
Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) May 1, 2016
We’ve found our captain!
But I only like to operate heavy machinery when medicated and drowsy.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) May 16, 2016
Hey, this is a party boat. We only have the best.
It never ceases to amaze me how many things are really really flammable
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) April 4, 2013
We want it smashed, but maybe you should be assistant captain just in case.
If you ever see me take a corner at a safe speed, it's because I have a birthday cake in the front seat.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) September 14, 2015
I almost forgot we’ll need to say a few words before we get everything going. You’re in charge of this.
Ensure victory in every rap battle you enter by locking eye contact with your opponent and slowly reciting the Lord's Prayer.
— Dāvids (@BumbleDC) May 15, 2016
Stop being so impatient. We were getting to that.
I just blinked so fast I made my own nightclub
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) August 29, 2015
I can help you, assuming you can supply two of these three things.
Instead of a job I wish I had a sword, a horse and a mission.
— Doth (@DothTheDoth) May 9, 2016
I’m going to pair you with the guy above. Where we’re going, OSHA doesn’t exist.
I suggested a drone with a Nerf gun, but people at work called that "dangerous" and "an OSHA violation".
— Bree (@breeinthestee) May 5, 2016
And naming this one supervisor for the previous two.
Step aside common sense, this is a job for alcohol.
— M (@Love_bug1016) May 8, 2016
I’m sorry to inform you, but on this vessel, that dog is an officer.
DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) May 12, 2016
Not on this floating lawless party vehicle you won’t.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I'm afraid to commit another one.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) May 15, 2016
You throw it overboard.
I know conflicts in the family do happen but what do I do with the body?
— LittleMissSunshine (@MissNaughty1801) February 24, 2016
See above re: gravestones, but the sentiment will totally be there.
"It didn't make him stronger" – Some gravestone, hopefully.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) June 14, 2013
What? No one is alone on this boat, though we do have a brig.
Frame a friend for murder & they'll never have to spend another Friday night alone.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) May 14, 2016
Umm, you’re being framed, you might not want to protest so much.
"I detest drama!" I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
— B. (@AddledPixie) April 24, 2016
Shortly after she’s thrown overboard.
What's the proper amount of time after a coworker dies to remind his wife he owed $5 for the gift everyone pitched in on for Sue's birthday?
— Pete Lynch (@PJTLynch) April 24, 2014
I’d like to introduce you to our cruise physician, Dr. Gonzo.
Ask your doctor if more pharmaceuticals are right for you. No, more. Way more.
More.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) May 11, 2016
This is why we have a cruise physician/pharmacist.
It's like this 18 month old doesn't care if I'm hungover.
— keith (@tchrquotes) January 1, 2015
After a visit to Dr. Gonzo.
Oops, we admit, when we arrive back at camp to find Dan-who-we-accused-of-hallucinating being gnawed to death by 30 lb raccoons.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) May 15, 2016
Does Amazon Prime deliver into international waters? Let’s find out!
6yo:I want a baby sister for my birthday get one from Amazon.
Me:That's not how it works.
6yo:Where do they come from?
Me:I'll check Amazon.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 24, 2015
Cards for any occasion my ass.
Hallmark has birthday cards out already, and it's not anywhere near my birthday.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 17, 2014
On international waters, this is every day.
The sweet spot for aging is somewhere between legal drinking age and dead. Personally, I'm looking forward to the senior discount.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 6, 2014
Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday to meeee.
Learning from my mistakes? No, I'm just perfecting them.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) May 15, 2016
