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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 51

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Happy birthday to you.


On May 22, 2015, a compilation was born. Now, 52 weeks later, we’ve reached its first birthday. Why is this only Volume 51, then? I took a Friday off. It happens, though apparently only once in the past year. Maybe twice.

Since that time, this bouncing baby has grown into a wild and unpredictable toddler, albeit armed and with a well-stocked liquor cabinet, some fire, an active imagination, and a highly developed sense of sarcasm.

So join me now as we celebrate this very important milestone with fire and cake and a party boat located somewhere in the ocean. I promise to smash the cake into bite-sized crumbles first, as is customary for first birthdays, and share it with everyone. You’re on your own for fire and a life vest.

What about birthday parties?

Pretty much all of them do, even this boisterous one-year-old.

At this party, held in international waters, both are permissible if not exactly recommended.

Maybe I should rethink allowing the Ouija boards.

There won’t just be cake, but punch, too. Well, smoothies. We’re healthy.

He’s going to really like my cake crumbles. You’ll probably be a bigger fan of the smoothies.

We like party crashers here. Help yourself, and may I fill your cup?

Too many smoothies.

It’s a party. Live it up.

This seems like the perfect activity for us all.

But we can’t just stop at one game. We need a plethora of activities.

What about at someone else’s party?

Not at this party. We have a strict no-photography rule to avoid having to destroy evidence.

Healthy green smoothies will do that to you.

You just have to fight through and turn yourself around, though. This is a party.

C’mere and let me tell you about a magical party in international waters.

I’ve got good news and better news.

Maybe the whole “Hunger Games” thing went a little wrong. On the other hand, wishes do sometimes come true.

Out here, you don’t have to explain anything.

Cake won’t sustain us throughout the afternoon and night. We’ll need a hearty soup.

Not out here. We give this kid a high five and then roast the duck to go with our soup.

So you’re up for adoption? I am accepting applications.

To everyone here and everyone throughout the year, you’re all my favorites. Especially you, whoever you are.

This is doubly true given that I’ve installed a very intricate security system on our party boat. I’ve also got some pirates and ninjas, although I think I saw the former getting into the smoothies.

Remember what I said about evidence? Time to shred that bucket list.

Good, good. We can’t have rodents getting into the supplies. Also, we might need you to fight some of the stuff the kids summoned with the Ouija board.

Not this one. It’s new and improved and, shall we say, fortified.

I’m starting to think I should start a consulting firm that helps people plan these things.

We’ve found our captain!

Hey, this is a party boat. We only have the best.

We want it smashed, but maybe you should be assistant captain just in case.

I almost forgot we’ll need to say a few words before we get everything going. You’re in charge of this.

Stop being so impatient. We were getting to that.

I can help you, assuming you can supply two of these three things.

I’m going to pair you with the guy above. Where we’re going, OSHA doesn’t exist.

And naming this one supervisor for the previous two.

I’m sorry to inform you, but on this vessel, that dog is an officer.

Not on this floating lawless party vehicle you won’t.

You throw it overboard.

See above re: gravestones, but the sentiment will totally be there.

What? No one is alone on this boat, though we do have a brig.

Umm, you’re being framed, you might not want to protest so much.

Shortly after she’s thrown overboard.

I’d like to introduce you to our cruise physician, Dr. Gonzo.

This is why we have a cruise physician/pharmacist.

After a visit to Dr. Gonzo.

Does Amazon Prime deliver into international waters? Let’s find out!

Cards for any occasion my ass.

On international waters, this is every day.

Happy birthday, happy birthday. Happy birthday to meeee.