Today is Earth Day, a day dedicated to environmentalism, conservation, and extreme composting. It’s also a day when the level five vegans remind us they only eat food that doesn’t cast a shadow. Incidentally, if you are ever looking for some fun, try telling people organizing a business luncheon that you’re a level five vegan who only eats food that doesn’t cast a shadow. They’ll give you grief once they figure it out and pick on you later, but it’s totally worth it.
It’s also a day to think of all we could accomplish if we stopped treating “Jurassic Park” as fiction and instead started treating it like a game plan. Until we get serious about reinstalling huge apex predators on our lands and in our seas, it’s all just pillow talk, baby.
*seductively lays across your lap* “wanna watch megalodon shark documentaries with me?”
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) April 15, 2016
It’s about the future. Won’t someone think of the children?
No, baby. A lion will never “eat you up in one bite.” He’d take bites with his razor sharp teeth like you were a sammich.
Parenting is easy
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) August 19, 2015
We could probably genetically engineer these, too.
ok son i’ve checked everywhere and didn’t find any monsters so you should be good unless they can shape-shift into a bed. Goodnite
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) April 17, 2016
They evolved from dinosaurs, although in their case it’s more that they devolved.
Seagulls are stupid.
— J (@J_Illunninati) April 17, 2016
Leave the dinosaur clones alone, though.
Remember: You’re one in a million. There are 7,125 clones of you wandering the planet. Find them. Destroy them.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 19, 2016
Why didn’t Jurassic Park include weapons in its assortment?
Greetings Travelers:
Before departure, visit the Hyperdrive Crystalline Emporium for it’s lovely assortment of snacks and weapons— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) April 17, 2016
This is why recycling is a scam. We can’t fight dinosaurs or ships if we don’t save our bottles.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 18, 2016
Even the dinosaurs?
*waves my hand dismissively at the whole world*
“None of this will do.”— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) January 8, 2016
Not just people.
The only way to deal with people who contemptuously brush aside your olive branch is to fetch a much thicker one and club them to death.
— Crazy Myra (@OutOnTheMoors) April 11, 2016
If you really care about the earth, you’ll do this.
Be the cleansing holy fire you want to see in the apocalypse
— Super Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) April 17, 2016
They play nice with the shapeshifting beds.
Sometimes I leave my closet light on, so the monsters don’t get scared.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) April 10, 2016
Almost as cool as a velociraptor. You’re halfway there.
“In art class I made a parrot from the Star Wars planet Jakku. His name is Bon Jovi.”
– my 9yo, exhibiting both my husband’s & my DNA
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 19, 2016
Is Jon Bon Jovi in there?
it’s quiet. but in my head, it’s loud.
— annalee (@afloodofblood) April 15, 2016
Speaking of, we should bring back CFCs. The ozone layer has gotten too strong and is starting to threaten us.
My life is more messed up than ever but at least my hair is spectacular
— june (@junejuly12) April 21, 2016
See? That’s the ozone layer.
Last time I jumped at an opportunity I hit my head.
— Eric B (@enigmaterics) April 16, 2016
Or maybe not.
He said he just couldn’t get enough of me. So that’s when I hit him over the head and threw him in my trunk.
— WineMummy (@WineMummyCDN) April 21, 2016
She should’ve tried a car with a trunk.
With the drop of the last daisy petal, she expelled her final breath, “he loves me.”
— Revveler (@NotARatsAss) April 20, 2016
This would also be an option.
Just because I say things you don’t wanna hear doesn’t mean I’m crazy. This blow torch means I’m crazy.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) April 19, 2016
Maybe it’s the blow torch?
*catastrophizes everything
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) April 19, 2016
This would render the fire useless, so it’s not totally horrible.
Not to brag, but if I stare at a man long enough, he’ll turn to stone.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) April 18, 2016
I’m starting to think chicks really dig fire.
Husband: Are you okay?
Me: *lighting my sighs on fire with a blowtorch* I’m fine!— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) April 14, 2016
No blow torch, so we’re good. I only do this to people who refuse to leave the left lane.
Tailgating a student driver like “welcome to the world, kid.”
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 16, 2016
Straight outta car line, crazy good momma named Bossy Bootz!
*turns down NWA
Ok honey, have a great day at school !
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) April 18, 2016
His mom never played NWA for him.
I lost my street cred in a pretty high stakes game of Double Dutch
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ™ (@jergarl) April 15, 2016
This is hard to argue with, although that car isn’t what we’d call “green.” That he probably has or can score some green isn’t the same.
You’ll never be as cool as this guy in a cutoff jean jacket behind the wheel of a 1976 Pontiac Firebird.
— Ashley (@ashmensch) April 16, 2016
Not as cool as Firebird guy.
The suit with sneakers look, which screams business up top and party below, is the mullet of officewear.
— H2OSkier (@ClichedOut) April 19, 2016
And when Firebird guy gets old, this happens.
Still wondering what makes a 50 year old guy look in the mirror and say:
“You know what will make me look sexy? Two earrings.”— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 17, 2014
Give your kids a break. Maybe they were celebrating Earth Day.
I would like to personally apologize to all the forests of the world for how many paper towels my 6yo just used
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 18, 2016
Or tell them you were getting in touch with the prevalent ethos of the days when Earth Day was new.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) April 19, 2016
You have to live your truth.
Watched my mom rush out the door to Pilates class. Took a shot of whisky. Heart wants what heart wants.
— Dolores (@Losephine) April 13, 2016
Crunchier than peanut butter wearing patchouli.
You know you can switch the television off and walk into the forest and never come back, right?
— krispy (@krispythehuman) February 16, 2016
For real?
Avoiding hyperbole is the hardest thing ever.
— Brianiac® (@BGH70) April 18, 2016
Remember what I said about extreme composting?
As a fun prank, I sent Gwyneth’s head in a box to Chris Martin. He said “Real mature. What are you, like, Se7en?”
We laughed and laughed…
— Alex in Chains (@Alex_N_Chains) April 14, 2016
Especially one that gets eaten by a megalodon.
The only funny clown is a dead clown.
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) July 15, 2013
Evolution in action.
Some of the finest specimens of human mutation can be observed in their natural habitat of buying diluted liquor before noon.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) April 21, 2016
The intelligent design version of the booze argument.
It’s 7:00 a.m. and I just bought a hobo his first bottle of cheap booze for the day. Is there a girl scout badge for that?
— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) April 12, 2016
Shouldn’t there be booze?
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 11, 2016
This is what happens when there’s no booze.
Minus the death threats, I think my date went very well!
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) March 30, 2016
And this.
Him: do you wanna play Monopoly?
Me: OMG! Why do you want us to break up?
— Ya-Ya™ (@macchiatonumb) August 31, 2015
Of course, this can only happen when there is booze.
Pretty sure I’m the most hungover parent at swimming this morning.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) April 17, 2016
That’s why they brew really strong ales.
Do monks experience awkward silence?
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) April 17, 2016
Is it wet with wine?
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.
*Updates dating profile.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) April 4, 2016
Talk about an awkward silence.
Oh, you’ve asked a woman if she was pregnant and she wasn’t? Well one time I asked an Albino if they had just seen a ghost.
— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) April 13, 2016
A really awkward silence.
[Me as a phone sex operator]
“Mmmm yeah baby tell me what you like.
REALLY??!
Hmmmm so tell me about your childhood, let’s figure this out.”— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) April 14, 2016
A really, really awkward silence.
Dude. You around to feed my fish this weekend if I head to the lake with Amy?
— Lion Jenkins (@LionJenkins) April 14, 2016
A really, really, really awkward silence.
Eulogies aren’t supposed to rhyme.
I know that now.
— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) March 25, 2016
Awkward silence would have been better than all the yelling.
It turns out “weatherstripping” isn’t what I thought it was and now I’m banned from Home Depot.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) April 17, 2016
It’s organic. Wear it with pride, for you’re doing your part.
I’d like to think of myself more as “playfully neurotic” and less as “weird cat lady that wears catnip perfume”.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 15, 2016
Life was good.
Smart cars, Mini Coopers? When I was little we had a station wagon that could fit 12 people, a dog & groceries with room to spare.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) April 7, 2016
One of these guys was actually entertaining.
This script is the most self-righteous, pretentious, & ornate crap I’ve ever read.
George Clooney & Sean Penn crash thru the door “MINE!”
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) April 20, 2016
Thanks for taking the blame, man.
it was me, i was the one who did the thing
— Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 10, 2016
The only problem is she’s still got that blow torch.
She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword
— Jacob (@jake_lach) February 18, 2016
Mine too.
That’s my plan.
Basically.— ʝo̥ Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) April 10, 2016
Now get out there and give it your all. Go for the gusto, plant some things, be all you can be. Or be like me, the guy throwing beer bottles at squirrels and telling them to plant more trees. It’s for the kids.
I’m erratic, not complicated.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) October 2, 2015
