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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 45

Let them eat cake.

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When Alexandros of Alexios was sculpting his rendition of the Greek goddess, he gave her arms. It wasn’t until after Timothy Burton got ahold of the statue that the arms vanished. Burton planned to replace them with chainsaws, but got distracted when he realized that the statue was neither Johnny Depp nor Helena Bonham Carter.

So now our goddess sits on display, armless and forlorn, a long way from home. See, she no longer lives in Greece, but now primarily sits on display in France, the land of brioche and letting people eat said brioche.

Granted, Marie Antoinette never actually said it and the whole story, which is often understood to mean the opposite of what was intended, was likely fabricated. Still, you can never be too safe when it comes to cake.


Aphrodite did maintain an aura of mystery.


How else would we cut up the cake?


Cutting cake isn’t their only purpose, either.


I’m starting to wonder if she has a time machine and is the source of the quote.


Maybe it’s the machete and not the mask.


Except.


I know just how you feel.


I’m intrigued—please go on.


Besides, some crimes just aren’t worth it. Most I guess. Not that I would know.


“And don’t forget the shovel.”

Then you claim all his perennials for yourself and have a really beautiful garden.


This land is your land, but this car is mine.


This is so mean but also true and also not really mean at all.


This is who I am now.


What?


Manifest destiny is messy.


I’m trying reverse psychology and telling them to throw their toys on the floor. It’s the only time they listen.


When parenting meets turning it up to 11.


Even if they don’t listen now, it’s all about planting the seed that will grow and benefit them later.


Maybe not at first, but later it would be hilarious.


“Come back with Field Mouse, you bird of prey!”


I wonder about this at every party. Parents should know that none of us are teetotalers.


I mean, seriously.


You also need cocktails for most board games.


In case you needed more proof.


This is how you get yourself uninvited to the parties where parents do know what’s up.


*Doesn’t let the ice melt*


Another benefit is that alcohol makes birthday parties more memorable.


It also helps calm your worst fears about what sort of life your child will live.


Lastly, it helps you sleep.


Stay really motivated to achieve all the goals you set for yourself before having kids.

Everyone talks about the Rickroll, but fewer deploy the equally awesome Jennyroll.


“I got your number!”


Also big in the ’80s.


Jenny, I’m on the hunt, I’m after you.


It was an awesome time to be alive, but also a confusing one.


Especially confusing if you could do basic math.


After the summer of ’69 came the glorious ’70s. This guy gets it, plus I’m going to send the little man tiny platform shoes and a fake fur coat so his ensemble is complete.


Kid above realized his future after such a vision quest.


It’s not nearly as cool as being a werewolf, for one thing, and it also means you weren’t in an ’80s movie.


Nature is crueler than we like to pretend.


For example.


But she always has a plan.


Or she started with a plan before doing her own thing.


Also part of the plan.


Sounds too cuddly.


The plans aren’t always good, though, and are sometimes just terrifying.


Anything that distracts him from resurrecting evil overlookers.


This one, too.


Fine, you’re not overachievers, with your showers and interdimensional travel.


Maybe evil Beanie Babies aren’t so bad.


I’ll take “Things I want less than an evil Beanie Baby for $500, Alex.”


Though some people don’t need help.


This is why some monks take a vow of silence.


After the quality time thing didn’t work out, this happened.


But only because this is where the “quality time” conversation went.


She’s passionate and only kind of wants to destroy you during said quality time.


Maybe she was just trying to inject some passion into the relationship with the certain fight.


This is quality time.


This, not so much.


It’s all caps, so it’s serious. Back away from the tractor if you want to escape.


And she probably owns a tractor.


Sometimes, like when my kids give me a stomach bug, I feel like a plastic bag drifting in the wind, but I know I’m going to ignite the light and let it shine. I may be down, but there’s still a spark in me. And now, baby, I’m going to let my colors burst.