When Alexandros of Alexios was sculpting his rendition of the Greek goddess, he gave her arms. It wasn’t until after Timothy Burton got ahold of the statue that the arms vanished. Burton planned to replace them with chainsaws, but got distracted when he realized that the statue was neither Johnny Depp nor Helena Bonham Carter.
So now our goddess sits on display, armless and forlorn, a long way from home. See, she no longer lives in Greece, but now primarily sits on display in France, the land of brioche and letting people eat said brioche.
Granted, Marie Antoinette never actually said it and the whole story, which is often understood to mean the opposite of what was intended, was likely fabricated. Still, you can never be too safe when it comes to cake.
[maintains eye contact while eating cake with my hands]
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) April 7, 2016
Aphrodite did maintain an aura of mystery.
Me:*sends a nude
Him: What's your favorite hot sauce?
Me: Sir, we just met.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) April 4, 2016
How else would we cut up the cake?
Sexting with me is basically just the cake emoji over and over again, sometimes the knife. Don't be scared baby.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 11, 2015
Cutting cake isn’t their only purpose, either.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
"Let's do this"
*wakes kids for school*
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 11, 2015
I’m starting to wonder if she has a time machine and is the source of the quote.
If Jean Valjean wasn't forced to steal bread, we wouldn't have Les Mis & I love those snappy tunes so that's why I'm against soup kitchens
— Basic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) April 5, 2016
Maybe it’s the machete and not the mask.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS JASON MASK DOESN'T TURN YOU ON?
— Orange shirt guy (@awkwardphilippe) March 19, 2016
Except.
C'mere…let me show you my machete.
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) April 5, 2016
I know just how you feel.
You text me from the back yard: “Bring a shovel.” I peer around the corner eager for intrigue, not perennials.
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) April 6, 2016
I’m intrigued—please go on.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) April 7, 2014
Besides, some crimes just aren’t worth it. Most I guess. Not that I would know.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) March 16, 2016
“And don’t forget the shovel.”
Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) July 27, 2012
Then you claim all his perennials for yourself and have a really beautiful garden.
Imagine a guy protecting his land with a sword. He's doing a good job. While he's doing that you throw a grenade, it's your land now.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) September 1, 2015
This land is your land, but this car is mine.
Honey, I can sever my own brake lines, thank you very much!
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 29, 2016
This is so mean but also true and also not really mean at all.
Everyone deserves a chance to be loved for who they are. Not by me of course. But by someone.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) March 11, 2016
This is who I am now.
Just caught my kid hiding in her closet eating jam out of a cup with a fork, and pretty much I'm just jealous she thought of it first.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) March 30, 2016
What?
If I don't confuse you I'm not being the real me.
— Mrs Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) April 1, 2016
Manifest destiny is messy.
Maybe the toys want to be all over the floor.
Maybe they belong in a scattered mess.
Who am I to stand in the way of destiny?
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) December 28, 2015
I’m trying reverse psychology and telling them to throw their toys on the floor. It’s the only time they listen.
"What did I JUST say?"
– my response to 90% of what my kids do
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 21, 2016
When parenting meets turning it up to 11.
I think I'll just spend a nice, relaxing night at home with my 4 yr. old screaming Christmas carols and the baby crying.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 3, 2016
Even if they don’t listen now, it’s all about planting the seed that will grow and benefit them later.
Hubs told the 2yo,"You gotta make sure it's turned on before u play with it."
He was talking about the tablet,but still – good life advice.
— Jenn Harrell Scott (@Jenn_H_Scott) March 26, 2016
Maybe not at first, but later it would be hilarious.
Me: Wouldn't it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) April 7, 2016
“Come back with Field Mouse, you bird of prey!”
If I ever have a child I'm going to name it something horrible in hopes that it will be a character builder.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) September 24, 2014
I wonder about this at every party. Parents should know that none of us are teetotalers.
This ginger ale tastes like it needs to be a shot of vodka but thanks for asking, Karen. This toddler birthday party is super fun.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 2, 2016
I mean, seriously.
I'm approximately 100% less drunk than I need to be to get through the rest of this day
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) April 3, 2016
You also need cocktails for most board games.
After 30 mins of playing Chutes & Ladders w my kid, I'd rather fall off a ladder & have my corpse dumped down a garbage chute than continue.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 3, 2016
In case you needed more proof.
*Sarah McLachlan sits beside me* For just 25 cents a day, you can send moms like these what they need most, boxes of wine.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 31, 2016
This is how you get yourself uninvited to the parties where parents do know what’s up.
Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink…
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) May 25, 2015
*Doesn’t let the ice melt*
WebMD~ drink more fluids
*drives to liquor store*
— M (@Love_bug1016) April 6, 2016
Another benefit is that alcohol makes birthday parties more memorable.
You can totally headstand on that table.
-vodka
— ssssss. (@semple42) April 2, 2016
It also helps calm your worst fears about what sort of life your child will live.
My daughter is due tomorrow. I just had a nightmare that she's going to use Oxford commas inconsistently when she grows up.
— Snarky New Mom (@PhiBetaMommy) April 4, 2016
Lastly, it helps you sleep.
20% of parenting is getting hit in the eye at 2am by a tiny, sleeping bed-hog that you created.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 7, 2016
Stay really motivated to achieve all the goals you set for yourself before having kids.
I don't always something something, but when I do I something.
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) March 28, 2016
Everyone talks about the Rickroll, but fewer deploy the equally awesome Jennyroll.
If you place a random area code in front of 867-5309, l will fall for it everytime.
— Mulva74 (@Mulva74) April 3, 2016
“I got your number!”
Me?
Just crimping my hair, applying Lee Press-On nails, dabbing on Love's Baby Soft, adjusting my leg warmers, and dancing to Quiet Riot.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) February 15, 2016
Also big in the ’80s.
I have unrealistic expectations for how long it will take to get things done. I blame montages.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) April 16, 2013
Jenny, I’m on the hunt, I’m after you.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…'82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 2, 2016
It was an awesome time to be alive, but also a confusing one.
Is it considered a lesbian experience if you made out with a Bret Michaels poster in 1988?
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) January 17, 2015
Especially confusing if you could do basic math.
[therapist's office]
I guess the disillusionment started when I realized Bryan Adams wasn't even a teenager yet in 1969.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) September 11, 2015
After the summer of ’69 came the glorious ’70s. This guy gets it, plus I’m going to send the little man tiny platform shoes and a fake fur coat so his ensemble is complete.
6yo: [wiggling loose tooth] SO LIKE WHEN DO I GROW IN MY GOLD TEETH?
My son, the aspiring 1970s pimp.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 4, 2016
Kid above realized his future after such a vision quest.
My vision board is just a picture of me at an endless Sizzler buffet while the theme song to The NeverEnding Story plays in the background.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) April 4, 2016
It’s not nearly as cool as being a werewolf, for one thing, and it also means you weren’t in an ’80s movie.
ME: I'm not really a cat person.
HALF-HUMAN, HALF-CAT MUTANT HYBRID: And what exactly would be wrong with that??
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) April 4, 2016
Nature is crueler than we like to pretend.
Nature Fun Fact:
Flamingos are naturally white in color. They get their pinkish hue from drinking the blood of their victims.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 5, 2016
For example.
The fact that we're cool with dogs chewing on bones instead of horrified is a testament to how cute they are.
— Scones Mortensen (@ThingsJackDigs) April 21, 2015
But she always has a plan.
Spice up your sex life by introducing wolves to help control the population
— NickerDoodle (@OneTrickTofani) April 4, 2016
Or she started with a plan before doing her own thing.
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 13, 2016
Also part of the plan.
When I see a little pair of cymbals I feel sad, because I know somewhere a little monkey cymbal player is either dead or lost his cymbals
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) April 7, 2016
Sounds too cuddly.
Who's the idiot that made it Killer whale and not Panda shark
— Jake (@jake_lach) March 26, 2016
The plans aren’t always good, though, and are sometimes just terrifying.
My favorite Beanie Baby was the bird skeleton that would protect my bedroom on stormy nights no matter how many times we buried it.
— Chris Worthington (@SomeChrisTweets) December 4, 2014
Anything that distracts him from resurrecting evil overlookers.
30% of Satan's workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
— Grumblr™ (@ohthatbadger) March 27, 2016
This one, too.
Bravely exploring new galaxies & dimensions to make an idiot of myself in.
— hazel dormouse (@goshawkolly) April 5, 2016
Fine, you’re not overachievers, with your showers and interdimensional travel.
I would prefer you use the term 'tenacious'.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) April 6, 2016
Maybe evil Beanie Babies aren’t so bad.
"Sing us a song your the piano man", the Wraiths howl mockingly in a syncopated chorus as you stare at nine fingers lying in a pool of blood
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) April 3, 2016
I’ll take “Things I want less than an evil Beanie Baby for $500, Alex.”
Looking for a "gently used sofa" on Craigslist, this is my goodbye note. I loved you all.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) April 2, 2016
Though some people don’t need help.
I wish I had a finger for every time I've put my hand in the garbage disposal when it's turned on.
— sondra dee (@SondraDeeMe) April 4, 2016
This is why some monks take a vow of silence.
Then she said we needed more quality time together. Anyhow, that's when the fight started.
— Eric B (@enigmaterics) February 6, 2016
After the quality time thing didn’t work out, this happened.
I'M IGNORING YOU, she screamed.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 5, 2016
But only because this is where the “quality time” conversation went.
This is going to sound horribly insensitive, only because it is.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) March 30, 2016
She’s passionate and only kind of wants to destroy you during said quality time.
Sorry, I don't crush. I obsess. It's not cute. It's terrifying.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) November 9, 2015
Maybe she was just trying to inject some passion into the relationship with the certain fight.
"Why do you have to be such a bitch?"
He says, starting our love affair
— Ya-Ya™ (@macchiatonumb) April 6, 2016
This is quality time.
Hey baby, wanna loiter at the propane tank exchange?
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) April 2, 2016
This, not so much.
me [from the couch] Sorry I slow clapped when you opened the cabinet and all the pots and pans fell out
wife
me
wife
me: Good night!
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) March 16, 2016
It’s all caps, so it’s serious. Back away from the tractor if you want to escape.
*shows up to school pickup on a John Deere
I'M FINE!!
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) April 6, 2016
And she probably owns a tractor.
I'm evil to the core, but my core is pure love.
— Mary Habanero (@UhhmIDontKnow) March 22, 2016
Sometimes, like when my kids give me a stomach bug, I feel like a plastic bag drifting in the wind, but I know I’m going to ignite the light and let it shine. I may be down, but there’s still a spark in me. And now, baby, I’m going to let my colors burst.
I'm like a shining, shimmering star.
Any moment I could become a supernova, self-destructing & taking out everyone around me.
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) April 7, 2016