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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 44

By: Rich Cromwell
11 min read
weird twitter
Jo Crebbin/Shutterstock

Nature is coming back in a big way and that may not be a good thing.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Sightings of the endangered Florida Panther are on the rise, with two occurring recently. In one, the big cat was just chilling on someone’s front porch, which makes me wonder if Floridians really want them to come back. In the other recent sighting, one came cruising by a woman on a wooden walkway at Audubon Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary.

On the other hand, Florida is approaching Australia in terms of bizarre animals that may or may not kill you. So the return of the panther may be a good thing if it goes after those really weird looking Torch Key raccoons or hybrid snakes. And if the cats take out a casual hiker, we’ve probably got enough to spare one or two. This is America, after all.

Now if I can just find one of the mountain lions that supposedly lives in my neck of the woods. Or one of the bears.


Florida probably has some weird version of the orca, too.


I tried doing this, but the snakes refused to stay still.


You knew the dread birds would come up.

This is a horrible thing to say, with one exception.


Regular or Torch Key?


To be fair, Florida isn’t the only dangerous state.


It’s just the most dangerous one.


People hate on Sea World, but this wouldn’t be a concern there.

A day in the life of a Sea World employee.


Back to bears, this is a good observation.


She at least could’ve offered some porridge, assuming anyone actually knows what it is.


Your bushes or the bushes in front of a cottage you just happened upon while strolling through the woods?


*Cops pop out of the abyss*

As always, if you stare long enough, it stares back.


Facebook is always trying to sneak crazy stuff past us.


I thought we were trying to get rid of the demon.


Lots of lime and coconut in “The Serpent and the Rainbow.”


She forgot to check the settings on that third clown.


Because of their propensity to destroy it.


At least they keep it in the fantasy realm, though. Destroying the universe usually ruins dinner.


Party pooper.


This is how you party. Alas, she ended up knocking everything off the table while maintaining eye contact.


Just tell him to hop in the shower.


Dogs are the superior pet, after all. So talented.

This is ridiculous. Everyone knows English peas are the Canada geese of peas.


Not a good friend, just one who wants to create viral videos.


Speaking of viral videos.


I’m not given to excessive nostalgia, but I have to say entertainment was better before Loony Tunes was deemed crimethink.


Not to mention that Loony Tunes was art that imitated life.

This is true, though often hilarious and, no, I’m not sure how “gifted” Prince Wednesday is.


He’s just being honest.


I still dream of relating to Daddy Warbucks except for the helping FDR part.


I think she’s talking about kids here.


I tried this with my own, but they just came back. They weren’t done asking questions.


I don’t think you can do this, but maybe.


Life is easier when they don’t talk. People assume they’re repeating you and that’s only true lots of the time, except you had the sense to say it at home.


It really depends on which album.


“Lunacy has found me, cannot stop the battery!”


Should’ve taught the kids about Metallica.


Lazy and inattentive.

If kids were in charge of dress codes you could.


Putting on pants, for example.


This is how you get away with wearing a robe at work. Or just become Hugh Hefner.


Then, once it’s gone, you can forgive and forget. Mostly forget.


But if he’s willing to do that, why fire?


Someone needs to tell her about arson.

Whoever has her voodoo doll isn’t doing a very good job.


“A Brief History of Arson and Voodoo: A Love Story.”


No one heard her say this, not even the chair.


Chairs, for example.


Phrasing.

Phrasing?


Works for weddings.


Then you’re off here.


But really you want this, no matter what you say to the contrary.


Me? I remain committed to regaining the crown.


Except.


Until such time as I permanently emerge from my cave to put the crown back atop my head, I shall do what I can to cause disruption and mayhem, to keep things from getting too ordered. Don’t worry, though, my intentions are good and as long as I keep that going for me, everything should be just fine.


Besides.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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