Sightings of the endangered Florida Panther are on the rise, with two occurring recently. In one, the big cat was just chilling on someone’s front porch, which makes me wonder if Floridians really want them to come back. In the other recent sighting, one came cruising by a woman on a wooden walkway at Audubon Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary.
On the other hand, Florida is approaching Australia in terms of bizarre animals that may or may not kill you. So the return of the panther may be a good thing if it goes after those really weird looking Torch Key raccoons or hybrid snakes. And if the cats take out a casual hiker, we’ve probably got enough to spare one or two. This is America, after all.
Now if I can just find one of the mountain lions that supposedly lives in my neck of the woods. Or one of the bears.
[while being attacked by bear] finally
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) March 24, 2016
Florida probably has some weird version of the orca, too.
[me, narrating a documentary about killer whales]
Look at these fat, wet pandas
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 26, 2016
I tried doing this, but the snakes refused to stay still.
If you organize your snakes properly you can pet a whole buncha them at once.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) May 13, 2015
You knew the dread birds would come up.
Canada channels its' anger through the geese.
— Sparky ️ (@crunchenhanced) March 26, 2016
This is a horrible thing to say, with one exception.
Feathers make me happy because somewhere there's a dead bird.
— OBHAYVE (@IsisIrisimawake) March 30, 2016
Regular or Torch Key?
Oh I want to go but I have to get home and wrestle my raccoon. I promised him a rematch tonight.
— PetiteRainCity (@PetiteRainCity) March 29, 2016
To be fair, Florida isn’t the only dangerous state.
Since moving to Washington, I have taken to calling my little dog by his traditional Native American name "Eagle Bait."
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) March 31, 2016
It’s just the most dangerous one.
People hate on Sea World, but this wouldn’t be a concern there.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say "they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast."
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 22, 2016
A day in the life of a Sea World employee.
I'm more productive at the office, where there's 9 broken faxes, a brass band, a live orca & daily exorcisms, vs the distractions of home.
— Mike (@MikeOdenthal) March 31, 2016
Back to bears, this is a good observation.
so they left the porridge on the table, went for a walk, and it cooled at different rates?
you're a fucking liar grandad
— trojansauce(d) (@trojansauce) January 4, 2016
She at least could’ve offered some porridge, assuming anyone actually knows what it is.
I'd just like to apologize to the wraith I'm hosting for only having beer for dinner last night.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) March 24, 2016
Your bushes or the bushes in front of a cottage you just happened upon while strolling through the woods?
Smiled in public today & some cops popped out of the bushes & gave me a sobriety test.
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 30, 2016
*Cops pop out of the abyss*
It takes less muscles to smile than it does to walk purposefully into the abyss, but here I am doing both
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) March 23, 2016
As always, if you stare long enough, it stares back.
I'm just here to listen to the lamentations of your women.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) March 24, 2016
Facebook is always trying to sneak crazy stuff past us.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
— Dāvids (@BumbleDC) March 15,2016
I thought we were trying to get rid of the demon.
You put the lime in the coconut and sacrifice a lamb while performing an eldritch chant
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) March 25, 2016
Lots of lime and coconut in “The Serpent and the Rainbow.”
"This, uh, almost never happens," I apologize to my date as the final seal opens and our world is washed away in flame.
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) March 25, 2016
She forgot to check the settings on that third clown.
CLOWN 1: *toots horn*
CLOWN 2: *squirts clown 1 with lapel flower*
CLOWN 3: *unhinges jaw and swallows the world *
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 27, 2016
Because of their propensity to destroy it.
How come parks have dog runs, but no place we can bring our clowns to get exercise and play with other clowns?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 26, 2016
At least they keep it in the fantasy realm, though. Destroying the universe usually ruins dinner.
When you date someone from the D&D realm, you risk the chances of introducing your date "dark blade" to your family & horrified friends.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) March 26, 2016
New Year's Hopes: May your year be filled with joy and laughter. And may your piñatas never become self aware
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) January 1, 2016
This is how you party. Alas, she ended up knocking everything off the table while maintaining eye contact.
Me: Ugh, I have NOTHING to wear for Easter brunch
Him: Wear your Catwoman costume
M: *shrugs* *zips into it*
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 27, 2016
Just tell him to hop in the shower.
Nothing quite like waking up at 4am to an unfamiliar sound and finding your dog sitting in the toilet. Not on. In.
— Heather Vaughan (@hvaughan) February 26, 2016
Dogs are the superior pet, after all. So talented.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we're in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
— Drunk Dreamer (@ElgatoEsmio) February 18, 2016
This is ridiculous. Everyone knows English peas are the Canada geese of peas.
I feel an unusual amount of anger towards sugar snap peas.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) March 14, 2016
Not a good friend, just one who wants to create viral videos.
Thanks for listening…you're such a good friend.
*continues to sing made up opera songs off key*
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) March 24, 2016
Speaking of viral videos.
"Trust me" he said
"I know what I'm doing" he said
"I saw a video once on youtube" he said
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) March 4, 2016
I’m not given to excessive nostalgia, but I have to say entertainment was better before Loony Tunes was deemed crimethink.
I look at kids cartoons these days and think, there are not nearly enough random anvils dropping on heads.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) August 20, 2012
Not to mention that Loony Tunes was art that imitated life.
Feeding an excited baby is like flinging spoonfuls of food at a hungry bouncing tennis ball.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 28, 2016
This is true, though often hilarious and, no, I’m not sure how “gifted” Prince Wednesday is.
People who say there's no such thing as a dumb question obviously don't have kids.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 6, 2016
He’s just being honest.
Don't worry son, Daddy will always be here to protect you. Unless I turn into a zombie, then I'll prob try to eat you, so anyway, good night
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 31, 2016
I still dream of relating to Daddy Warbucks except for the helping FDR part.
When I watch Annie now, I relate to Miss Hannigan on a spiritual level
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) March 26, 2016
I think she’s talking about kids here.
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Or it will try again tomorrow.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) March 28, 2016
I tried this with my own, but they just came back. They weren’t done asking questions.
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down
"You're free," I whisper.
— Gia (@GashleyMadison) February 26, 2016
I don’t think you can do this, but maybe.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it's probably to drop off.
— ʝo̥ Ðιg̥gιтy (@WhaJoTalkinBout) March 30, 2016
Life is easier when they don’t talk. People assume they’re repeating you and that’s only true lots of the time, except you had the sense to say it at home.
The views and opinions expressed by my toddler are not necessarily the views of anyone in our household.
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) March 30, 2016
It really depends on which album.
5yo daughter: "Can we listen to Metallica?"
Me: *rolling eyes
Husband: *exploding with pride
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 25, 2016
“Lunacy has found me, cannot stop the battery!”
Legend has it that when you utter the ancient words, "it's bedtime" the screams of children can be heard.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 24, 2016
Should’ve taught the kids about Metallica.
Lazy and inattentive.
Giving your kids an allowance is like hiring a lazy maid you are required to feed.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) February 11, 2016
If kids were in charge of dress codes you could.
Can I wear my robe to work? Be honest.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) March 31, 2016
Putting on pants, for example.
86% of being an adult is dreading things
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) March 8, 2016
This is how you get away with wearing a robe at work. Or just become Hugh Hefner.
*maintains eye contact while slowly stirring my coffee with a ballpoint pen*
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) March 23, 2016
Then, once it’s gone, you can forgive and forget. Mostly forget.
Forgiveness is for people who don't know about arson.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 30, 2016
But if he’s willing to do that, why fire?
I just want a guy that will hold my hair back while I light things on fire.
— denise (@Stellacopter) February 10, 2015
Someone needs to tell her about arson.
"I hope your day is as nice as you are"
She said, while pushing the pin slightly further into the voodoo doll
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) March 29, 2016
Whoever has her voodoo doll isn’t doing a very good job.
Sorry but I only like people who wake up on the wrong side of the bed.
— WineMummy (@WineMummy) January 17, 2016
“A Brief History of Arson and Voodoo: A Love Story.”
I was waiting in line for my Xanax. You were yelling obscenities at the blood pressure cuff.
Let's do this.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) July 21, 2013
No one heard her say this, not even the chair.
Neil Diamond or GTFO
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) March 22, 2016
Chairs, for example.
A psychic has the ability to read your mind. A psychotic has the ability to know when you're reading their mind.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 31, 2016
He said 'just the tip' and I said 'love that game'. Anyways, I ended up paying for dinner.
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) March 30, 2016
If you can't handle me at my non-sequiturest then you don't deserve me at my Mormon banana jelly bean.
— Lion Jenkins (@LionJenkins) March 25, 2016
Works for weddings.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) March 10, 2016
Then you’re off here.
Inhabitants of Harp Star Vega are vexed by star swinging, midnight marauders.
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) March 18, 2016
But really you want this, no matter what you say to the contrary.
You're telling me the goal of life isn't to find & merge with one's doppleganger to become a fearsome demigod, but to end suffering? Ok sure
— hazel dormouse (@goshawkolly) March 30, 2016
Me? I remain committed to regaining the crown.
Oh Dauphin, tell me again how God chose you.
(my poison ring taps against a glass of wine)
You'll make a magnificent king.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 30, 2016
I'm not saying there aren't others like me, all I'm saying is they've already retreated to caves.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) March 31, 2016
Until such time as I permanently emerge from my cave to put the crown back atop my head, I shall do what I can to cause disruption and mayhem, to keep things from getting too ordered. Don’t worry, though, my intentions are good and as long as I keep that going for me, everything should be just fine.
I'm a menace. A well-intentioned one, but a menace nonetheless.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) November 5, 2015
Been there, drank that.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) September 1, 2013