Historically speaking, March 11 is a storied day. In 537, the Goths started their siege on Rome. In 1861, the Confederates held a convention and adopted a new constitution. Winston Churchill was labeled both anti-Soviet and a warmonger by Pravda in 1946. 1969 brought us bell bottoms. Popsicles, which once came as twins with two sticks switched to a single-stick model in 1986.
Other things happened, too. Napoleon got married at some point, as did Romeo and Juliet. KISS began their farewell tour on March 11, 2000. The biggest thing to ever happen on March 11 happened just last year, though, when Phil Collins was named an honorary Texan. That’s right, “Sussudio,” y’all. I know at least one person who’s going to be super excited about this.
80% of my day is spent googling pictures of Phil Collins.
— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) February 6, 2016
Maybe this can take place on March 11 to keep the storied tradition going.
Welcome to the Space Olympics, the year 3022. Take part in a grand tradition, your name echoes in the holes of the universe.
— Nicole Kapp (@Nicole_Kapp87) February 20, 2016
To the Space Olympics, perhaps?
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
— Rev. McO'Ravenscrof (@2tickytacky) February 29, 2016
Maybe cut down on the psychedelic frogs.
at fancy restaurants i like to crawl underneath the dinner table and imagine i'm laying an egg from which i myself will one day emerge
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) June 26, 2015
Say brillig one more time. I dare you. I double dog dare you!
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and frumious bandersnatch.
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) March 9, 2016
I would personally go for a little more destructive power, but good start.
My neighbor got new wind chimes so I guess I need new grenades.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 8, 2016
She obviously doesn’t have any grenades. Shame, really.
Started meditating so you can expect nothing but fucking peaceful shit from me from now on
— FleurDeLea (@Celestinelea90) February 18, 2016
Their hissing is more soothing than wind chimes and their bite more effective than a grenade. Excellent call.
Woo me with a bucket of flaming vipers.
— OreOh Demoness (@PowKaPowBoom) March 7, 2016
Needed more viper.
In my defense, the voices in my head told me things would go so much better than they did
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) March 8, 2016
Not my wheelhouse, but something Goth I’m sure.
What color nail polish goes best with burning it all to the ground
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) February 20, 2016
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s tech wizardry.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It's photoshopped.
— Sufficient Charm (@SufficientCharm) March 3, 2016
They do a lot of people watching. You can trust them.
Why yes, I am having a good hair day, the local hobos down the street just told me so.
— AZBaseballMom (@joci2203) March 6, 2016
Just like in “The Godfather” except completely different.
*lays down on abandoned mattress on the side of the freeway
fuck yes
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) February 25, 2016
When life hands you lemonade…
*bottles your existential dread & sells it on etsy*
— Grumblr™ (@ohthatbadger) March 5, 2016
She’s gonna make bank selling this to hipsters at the farmers market.
Bespoke existential nihilism.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) December 8, 2015
Add some dread and nihilism to it and get back to me.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
— Annie (@HatfieldAnne) March 5, 2016
Can we interest you in an artisanal candle, perhaps?
"Ok, this might sound a little fucked up"
-me explaining anything about my life
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 7, 2016
You can also try being nice rather than profiting from misery.
This killing them with kindness is taking longer than I thought it would…
— Boyd's Backyard (@TheBoydP) November 6, 2015
They asked him for collateral and he pulled down his pants.
My asthmatic grandpa stubbed his toe while reading bad poetry and accidentally created a new Bob Dylan song.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) March 6, 2016
Killin’ her softly.
My wife didn't enjoy at all the serenade my 6yos and I performed for her at 6am this morning.
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 7, 2016
Especially with the help of us fathers.
Enjoy your kids while they're little. They grow up to be evil so fast.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) September 29, 2015
Because this is what we do.
I only took a husband because I'm allergic to cats but still craved a lifelong adversary.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) December 29, 2015
Then this happened.
I walk towards danger. So if there's a fiery crash, you can probably catch me in the afterglow taking selfies.
— Shaken, not stirred (@girl_a_whirl) March 5, 2016
She did warn them.
You look a little frightened, that's not good. You should be scared to death.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) March 8, 2016
I’d call corporate and get that guy fired for being an idiot.
Standing with the boom box above my head was going well until the Krispy Kreme manager came out and asked me to leave.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 7, 2016
Always an appropriate idea.
Introduce a little chaos.
— Ben Domenech (@bdomenech) March 9, 2016
Chaos can be hilarious, after all.
If the universe wanted me to be productive today it wouldn't have put a squirrel repeatedly falling off a birdfeeder right outside my window
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 3, 2016
This form of chaos is less hilarious unless it involves a chicken.
Just waiting for the sky to fall.
— krispy (@krispythehuman) March 10, 2016
Depends on what color hair they have.
Do you even have a soul, people who don't like cake?
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) March 6, 2016
Like this redhead who loves cake.
When I say I'm a triple threat, I'm just referring to your chance of being murdered.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 10, 2016
Couldn’t hurt.
Adding "skittish" and "probably lost" to my LinkedIn profile.
— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) March 3, 2016
Oh, Toodles!
*Mickey Mouse freaking out because he killed a hooker and the only Mousekatool left is a maraca*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 5, 2015
Soon, my experiment with being nice on the Internet will self-destruct in glorious fire. Pre-apologizing.
I'm not sorry I offended you, I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) March 7, 2016
She’s going for pre-outrage to match my pre-apology.
I'm outraged that you're outraged that she's outraged. This is outrageous.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 4, 2016
On the other hand, though, being outraged and outrageous takes work.
What I lack in motivation today I make up for in no way at all.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) January 24, 2016
I could try this, I suppose.
And now for my next magic trick
*disappears*
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) March 8, 2016
Also.
I've said better.
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) June 25, 2015
Just a little!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then discovering that he has faith in humanity.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) March 7, 2016
But I also ignore a lot of things. When I pay attention, this happens.
It only requires one person to completely destroy your positive outlook.
[ waves ]
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) March 10, 2016
Sometimes I have to pay attention, though.
"You always overreact and make things dramatic. It's really annoying."
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) March 6, 2016
What if the person has a megaphone?
If I could fly I wouldn't use it to fight crime, I'd use it to get out of unwanted conversations by pretending to be raptured
— huntigula (@huntigula) March 10, 2016
Overly dramatic sometimes gets a bad rap.
There was a time when I considered myself a friendly person, I now realize I was just being overly dramatic.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) March 10, 2016
Lucy?
Just looked into a magnifying mirror and will be donating myself to science as the "missing link" in evolution.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 10, 2016
Science also helps us talk to our kids.
MOM: Ask our son if he'd like lunch
DAD: Ok I know text lingo
'wut u wanna eat'
"taco bell ftw!"
DAD: He says Taco Bell four twenty weed
— Terry F (@daemonic3) March 9, 2016
Science isn’t monolith.
Not to brag, but my IQ test results were "inconclusive."
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 6, 2016
If it were today, you’d be celebrating history.
Regretting my decision to wear bell bottoms to work today.
— Maybe Mark (@NotMarkAllen) March 3, 2016
We need some of those glasses like they had in “They Live.”
These days, it's getting hard to who's a real person and who's just a dog wearing a human mask. It's like, you know they're there. But who?
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) March 7, 2016
Doesn’t need “They Live” glasses. She’s getting the message loud and clear.
[while being stabbed] i knew you were in love with me
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) March 5, 2016
Sing, sing a song. No not that one.
EVERYTHING IS AWESO *stab*
*stab*
*stab stab stab stab stab stab*
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 24, 2014
There’s no I in awesome either, but me is.
"There's no I in nuisance"
-I say as while swinging from the chandelier
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) March 3, 2016
Hang on! You need a tighter grip than for a chandelier.
I'm going to try to lasso up a tornado. Not because my life is a mess, but because it looks like crazy busy fun.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) March 9, 2016
I think he drove snakes out of some place.
Who's the patron saint of functional alcoholism?
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) July 21, 2015
What?!? Tell me!
I write FYI on a blank piece of paper and leave it on your desk.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) March 10, 2016
Seriously, I know that was about me.
Tweet like you're paranoid and everyone's watching omg I need to delete this.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 5, 2016
And that you put something in my drink.
This green nectar tastes like I'm being pursued by a rabid wolf and must escape by low hedge hiding
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) February 20, 2016
Now, I find myself drifting.
What I lack in specificity, I make up for in other stuff.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) November 28, 2015
And coming up with an escape plan.
I put a mop in my chair at work so I could take the rest of the day off without anyone noticing.
— Tartlandia (@SardonicTart) March 7, 2016
Until we meet again, friends. Things will happen, more days in history will occur. The March of the Oompa Loompa may continue. That’s why I’m saving my best trick for last.
I'm at my most ninja when
.
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) October 22, 2013
