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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 39

By: Rich Cromwell
10 min read

When you stare into the abyss, it makes your brown eyes blue.

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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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Friedrich Nietzsche once opined, “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.” At this point, it’s safe to assume he was talking about 2016. This year, one some considered promising, is starting out to be one of the stupidest on record.

It’s true. We’re not even through two full months and the Leviathan that is Internet comments sections is stalking across the land, laying waste to discourse and reason as it fills burn units with anyone who comes across its path.

Never fear, though. While all seems hopeless, one thing we have going for us is its attention span. Thanks to the whirlwind of social media and communication devices, soon that attention span will focus elsewhere as the comments section retreats into the void and returns to form, lazy and eating Cheetos in mom’s basement.


The void should’ve subscribed to Life Alert before it was too late.


We can still be a little angry about the unrest, though.


When the going gets tough, it helps to have a song in your heart.


You can also fight back using the enemy’s weapons against him.


It doesn’t always work, though.


Of course, this year may call for unconventional weapons.


On the other hand, you can accentuate the positive. Loudly.


When the void becomes an alternative housing model that never takes off.


But maybe its time is finally here.


You could also go to a poetry slam if a geodesic dome isn’t feasible for you.


Turn that frown upside down, if ever there was a year that might let you achieve this dream, this is it.


Get hectic and wreck it with the quickness.


If nothing else, eat Arby’s.


This kid gets it.


“Just bliss out, fantasize a lot, and wear rainbows” is also an acceptable approach.


Also, take time to slow down and enjoy things around you, assuming there isn’t traffic. Then, pass the rocket launcher.


Fake it ‘til you make it. Or someone smashes your ukulele.


Anyway, what were we talking about?


That’s right, we were discussing goals.


First impressions are important to achieving those goals. Make them count.


Have no fear.


And don’t forget it’s all in how you sell yourself.


It’s also in how you sell whatever other things you’re selling.


Did I mention fake it ‘til you make it? But watch out for security.


I think Steve Jobs once said something about success and being crazy, so don’t be afraid to put it out there.


Draw some distinctions, though.


Lie some more if necessary.


This might cause problems.


Be as cunning as a serpent.


I’m not sure this is allowed anymore.


Maybe they were at a political rally, just trying to make things great again.


Make Facebook great again.


Plus tigers don’t bounce on their tails like that.


Here’s another dose of reality from the magical world of children.


Yet some more reality.


Is this from a German children’s story?


For the longest time, I thought I was alone in asking this question.


This seems like a good use of screen time.


Kids gotta eat.


I want to go to this school.


No mercy.


Then, once you’ve demolished that child, he’ll come through with awesomeness like this.


Should’ve used a devastating rhyme.


Mine would just put me in a tub of some sort.


Each pile carefully curated to give an aura of delightful dishevelment.

Digital fridge poetry gone wild.


She has a point, but I’m going to keep judging people. It’s what the Internet is for.


It’s best to lead from the front.


Yes, for 2016, this is the only way to roll. Be like Krispy.


But don’t overthink things.


Exactly. Roll just like this.


Back to 2016. Know what the other thing we’ve learned this year is? Journalism school ruins everything.


With that, I feel myself changing, the abyss staring back all dayglow orange and equipped with pantsuits. Loud noises abound. But Rich has fear? One thousand times no. I have fancy pants…and plans to match. Plus, I’m evolving into a new form, one that will dominate the ruined hellscape around us. It’s melodic, a little melancholy, and sure to be a hit.

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.

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