Friedrich Nietzsche once opined, “When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you.” At this point, it’s safe to assume he was talking about 2016. This year, one some considered promising, is starting out to be one of the stupidest on record.
It’s true. We’re not even through two full months and the Leviathan that is Internet comments sections is stalking across the land, laying waste to discourse and reason as it fills burn units with anyone who comes across its path.
Never fear, though. While all seems hopeless, one thing we have going for us is its attention span. Thanks to the whirlwind of social media and communication devices, soon that attention span will focus elsewhere as the comments section retreats into the void and returns to form, lazy and eating Cheetos in mom’s basement.
ugh, the void stood me up again says "it's not personal"
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) February 20, 2016
The void should’ve subscribed to Life Alert before it was too late.
Help! I've fallen into oblivion and can't get up.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 13, 2016
We can still be a little angry about the unrest, though.
Walked past a toddler throwing a tantrum, leaned down and whispered "I can do better."
— Jane (@jane_bot) January 19, 2016
When the going gets tough, it helps to have a song in your heart.
Clap along if you feel shackled to an overwhelming sense of the futility of the whole of human experience.
— Natty Lumpo (@nattylumpo88) October 6, 2014
You can also fight back using the enemy’s weapons against him.
Trying to foment political unrest one Facebook post at a time
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) February 12, 2016
It doesn’t always work, though.
Used the ol' "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" trick with my kid's tantrums only my kid wasn't with me and now I'm banned from Applebee's.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 22, 2016
Of course, this year may call for unconventional weapons.
*brings a crab to a knife fight*
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) February 20, 2016
On the other hand, you can accentuate the positive. Loudly.
Yes I will yell into the void because you don't want to talk to me but I'm clearly unable to comprehend things and have little self control.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) February 21, 2016
When the void becomes an alternative housing model that never takes off.
"It's not that I don't love you, I'm just in a really weird place right now" she yelled from inside the geodesic dome.
— jerm (@JermHimselfish) February 19, 2016
But maybe its time is finally here.
The older I get, the more I need an angry dome.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) February 23, 2016
You could also go to a poetry slam if a geodesic dome isn’t feasible for you.
Yes. Hello. I'm here because Facebook couldn't handle watching me unravel.
— krismuscookie (@krismuscookie) February 19, 2016
Turn that frown upside down, if ever there was a year that might let you achieve this dream, this is it.
Still haven't had the opportunity to methodically hunt someone down to exact revenge
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) February 23, 2016
Get hectic and wreck it with the quickness.
My 5 year plan is just the lyrics to "Bring da Ruckas" by the Wu Tang Clan.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) February 21, 2016
If nothing else, eat Arby’s.
Options for the afternoon:
1. Take a shower
2. Go to Arby's
Well, I think the answer speaks for itself
— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) February 22, 2016
This kid gets it.
"I don't know the government, and I'm not giving them any of my coins." – my 4yo after I explained taxes
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) February 24, 2016
“Just bliss out, fantasize a lot, and wear rainbows” is also an acceptable approach.
This place is more fun when you have absolutely no idea what's going on.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) February 23, 2016
Also, take time to slow down and enjoy things around you, assuming there isn’t traffic. Then, pass the rocket launcher.
I only hate people when I'm in a hurry
— Ya-Ya (@macchiatonumb) February 18, 2016
Fake it ‘til you make it. Or someone smashes your ukulele.
Confident, like the guy playing the ukulele at a beach campfire.
— Jake (@jake_lach) February 20, 2016
Anyway, what were we talking about?
Him: You seem preoccupied? Me: What?
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) February 22, 2016
That’s right, we were discussing goals.
I'm here for the same reason you are: to be worshiped as a god and have virgins sacrificed in my honor. And the camaraderie.
— My Meh-moir (@TheAlexNevil) April 8, 2015
First impressions are important to achieving those goals. Make them count.
My business card is just a piece of toast.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) February 12, 2014
Have no fear.
Throw me to the wolves & I'll return leading the pack.
Mostly because I'm running & screaming in complete terror while holding my drumstick.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) February 19, 2016
And don’t forget it’s all in how you sell yourself.
"Long story short," I lied.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 19, 2016
It’s also in how you sell whatever other things you’re selling.
If you put the word "tactical" in front of anything you're selling you can automatically ask 200% more for it and someone will buy it
— Tag ur it (@TheRealRHB) February 6, 2016
Did I mention fake it ‘til you make it? But watch out for security.
The elderly gentleman seemed quite meek until he pulled on fins, donned goggles, and yelled "I AM AQUA MAN" in the middle of the food court.
— MomofTeen (@MomOfTeen) February 4, 2016
I think Steve Jobs once said something about success and being crazy, so don’t be afraid to put it out there.
The Friends theme starts to play as I draw the last face on my fifth and final ballon.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) February 22, 2016
Draw some distinctions, though.
Most of my tweets are just jokes, except for the ones about going on killing sprees with an imaginary clown, those are real.
So chill out.
— Crystal kay (@Platinum2000) February 23, 2016
Lie some more if necessary.
People refuse to take responsibility for their own actions anymore. I mean, not me, but everyone else.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) February 21, 2016
This might cause problems.
Interviewer: Other than your weakness being "having no logical concept of time" you're perfect! So when can you start?
Me: In 17 hot dogs.
— Nikka Bee (@_NikkaBee) February 19, 2016
Be as cunning as a serpent.
"Come into my anti-room," I say, knowing you'll hear "anteroom" just before you step across the threshold and disappear forever.
— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) March 2, 2015
I’m not sure this is allowed anymore.
*tweets a work of art so pure it breaks the world*
— Pete Mandik (@petemandik) February 18, 2016
Maybe they were at a political rally, just trying to make things great again.
I think a better question is- Where's Waldo's parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
— Marlebean (@Marlebean) November 11, 2013
Make Facebook great again.
Calm down, dignity. I'm not the first suburban mom to lose you on social media.
— Blu (@TwoSapphiresBlu) February 17, 2016
Plus tigers don’t bounce on their tails like that.
the one where Tigger finally stops suppressing his most basic urges and eats the depressed donkey
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) February 23, 2016
Here’s another dose of reality from the magical world of children.
Hang on- I have to explain to my crying 4yo why her broken glow stick from a party 6 months ago is in the trash.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 18, 2015
Yet some more reality.
The Princess Bride (1987): An old man reads a book.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) February 21, 2016
Is this from a German children’s story?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) February 24, 2016
For the longest time, I thought I was alone in asking this question.
Snow White: introducing children to the acceptable side of necrophilia.
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) November 11, 2014
This seems like a good use of screen time.
"wha do ya do fer fun taff-E"
~feed my pet snails pixy stix and unleash them upon a tiny Tron LED game grid~
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) February 16, 2016
Kids gotta eat.
When she got older, Mary went to culinary school and had a little flambé.
— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) February 25, 2016
I want to go to this school.
The school cafeteria will be serving marrow exclusively until further notice
— DaJay (@OrderOfTheVeil) February 25, 2016
A great way to help your preschooler understand the concept of rhyming is to demolish him in a battle rap.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) February 22, 2016
Then, once you’ve demolished that child, he’ll come through with awesomeness like this.
*stands under your window holding a boom box playing Kung Fu Fighting*
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) February 23, 2016
Should’ve used a devastating rhyme.
"If it bites you, go for its eyes!" – only applies to sharks, not children. Apparently.
— Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) February 22, 2016
Mine would just put me in a tub of some sort.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn't make the cut this year.
— α geek (@alfageeek) March 17, 2013
Each pile carefully curated to give an aura of delightful dishevelment.
Digital fridge poetry gone wild.
She has a point, but I’m going to keep judging people. It’s what the Internet is for.
We shouldn't rush to judgment because people are complicated.
Not me, but some people.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) February 23, 2016
It’s best to lead from the front.
I prefer to shame people by example.
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) February 1, 2016
Yes, for 2016, this is the only way to roll. Be like Krispy.
I even love the things I hate and that's why I'm so angry all the time.
— krispy (@krispythehuman) February 24, 2016
But don’t overthink things.
You'd be surprised that the majority of my life decisions aren't "fully thought through" or based on "logic".
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) February 21, 2016
Exactly. Roll just like this.
Hey boy, you look like a vintage mistake and you could say I'm quite the connoisseur of bad decisions.
— Pirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) February 25, 2016
Back to 2016. Know what the other thing we’ve learned this year is? Journalism school ruins everything.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) February 17, 2016
With that, I feel myself changing, the abyss staring back all dayglow orange and equipped with pantsuits. Loud noises abound. But Rich has fear? One thousand times no. I have fancy pants…and plans to match. Plus, I’m evolving into a new form, one that will dominate the ruined hellscape around us. It’s melodic, a little melancholy, and sure to be a hit.
"Don't it make my brown eyes blue", but it's some sort of mutation.
"I am becoming", I bellow. Children scatter like frightened mice.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) September 3, 2015