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Donald Trump Deserves The Nobel Peace Prize


Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, which has a lot of people snickering and rolling their eyes. But don’t be so quick to dismiss it out of hand. Maybe he should get the award. After all, if Barack Obama can convince the Norwegian Nobel Committee that he’s the One to usher in world peace, why not the Donald?

Maybe this time they’ll sip on some fine Scotch while watching reruns of “The Apprentice” instead of taking tequila shots like they did while listening to Obama’s kumbaya speech in Cairo. (Okay, we know that was just a satiric rumor, but it’s still fun to imagine, and given how nuts it was to choose Obama, I’d want to have that excuse if I were committee chair Thorbjorn Jagland.)

Of course, a lot of crazy nominations have been made throughout history: great lovers of peace like Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Benito Mussolini, and Donald’s bud, Vladimir Putin (I guess how you achieve world peace is open to interpretation).

But they didn’t win. Obama, who hadn’t done anything other than be a Senate no-show and do some community organizing (a.k.a. rabble-rousing), actually did! And let’s not even talk about Al Gore. If you try to justify that one, I’ve got some pricey carbon credits to sell you.

A Prize-Winner in the Tradition of Barack Obama

So why not Trump? He’s been nominated for his “Peace through strength” ideology. Ronald Reagan proved that worked. Trump hasn’t actually done anything to push back the Islamic extremists or intimidate Putin or scare the begeezus out of little Kim Jong-un, but he promises that’s what he’ll do. He’ll bring peace to the world through American power and fortitude. We can believe him because he gets things done, and he’s a winner. He told us so.

We can believe him because he gets things done, and he’s a winner. He told us so.

How’s that any more crazy than Obama being awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between people”? He promised to create a “new climate” in international relations by reaching out to the Muslim world. The Nobel Committee had faith in him. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t actually accomplished a thing. The power of his word was enough, and the committee believed that if they gave him the award at the outset of his presidency, then that would help him achieve his goals to bring about world peace. Kinda like a magical talisman.

That didn’t work out so well (we’ve had lots of beheadings, shootings, bombings, raping, and pillaging throughout the world since the One took office), but so what? It was the thought that counted. So too with Trump. And he’s on more solid footing when it comes to an actual plan than Obama ever was. We know now that appeasement, lofty speeches, lush dinners, and late-night snacks with the Muslim Brotherhood don’t work. Why not try bombing the hell out of them—or at least threatening to do so?

Make Deals, Not War

Is Trump really the man to inspire us to peace through strength? Before you say no, think about a couple of things. Unlike Obama, who was smoking weed and shooting up heroin in high school, Trump was attaining the highest rank of Cadet First Captain at the New York Military Academy. That’s real military training, folks.

Obama gave good speeches to the enemy. Trump can do business with them.

The mere fact that he attended NYMA means he has had more military training than a lot of guys who go into the military. Those are Trump’s exact words, and he’s right. He said so in a biography.

Speaking of books, unlike Obama, who focused his writing on fairy tales about himself, Trump has actually published something practical: “The Art of the Deal.” More proof that he’s the right man for the Nobel Peace Prize. He can make deals with the enemy. The Scandinavian Squad should like that: Make deals, not war. What could be better than that?

Obama gave good speeches to the enemy. Trump can do business with them. Except for insane jihadists who couldn’t care less about anything other than chasing virgin skirts in paradise, most of our enemies could probably be bought and sold. And Trump knows how to do that better than anyone (ask all the politicians he’s bargained with).

He’s a winner. He knows how to make deals. He knows how to get what he wants, and Putin, Rouhani, Kim Jong-un, and all the rest of them won’t be able to resist. Not a drop of blood will be spilt. Only ink.

The Magic of Gold

We can trust that Trump is concerned about global goodwill because he has been promoting the cause of world peace for years. How? Through his beauty pageants, of course! What greater institution is there to promote international friendship and cooperation than the Miss Universe contest?

What greater institution is there to promote international friendship and cooperation than the Miss Universe contest?

He gathers prominent representatives from all over the world, and they spend time together, hanging out, getting waxed, having facials, touring landmarks, sipping champagne, sharing stories about their homelands, and forming lifelong friendships. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s just terrific. And they all want world peace.

That’s what Trump peace looks like, and I think we should give it a chance. Obama never did anything that compares to that. He just hung out with grungy domestic terrorists and smoked cigarettes. Trump welcomes the world into his golden halls, crowns winners, and makes deals while reminding everyone that if they don’t do what he says, he’s got his finger on the red button.

Trump’s foreign policy could be summed up on his own words: “If someone screws you, screw them back in spades.” Peace through strength—screw them back in spades. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. The point is if the enemy believes him, they’ll think twice before attacking.

The Nobel Committee took a chance on Obama’s “talk nice and they’ll like us” diplomacy. That didn’t work out so well. So, yeah, why not try it Trump’s (ahem, Reagan’s) way. If it doesn’t work, maybe he can pay off our enemies—and he could do it. He’s rich. Really, really rich.