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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 35

Whatever you do in life, watch out for the old gods, even if they take on the appearance of a marshmallow man.


It is said that Gozer the Gozerian, an evil entity from another dimension, will one day destroy the world. Thankfully, this interdimensional terror has been thwarted both times it visited our world, proving once again that the ancient Hittites, Sumerians, and Mesopotamians were not possessed of what we might call “staying power.”

In any case, if you see a giant marshmallow man, or really any old deities, lumbering about, it’s best to duck and cover. Or cross the streams, which though usually the worst thing, occasionally is the only answer. Well, that and saturated fats.

But before you start battling the old gods, make sure they’re real.

Once you’ve established you’re not hallucinating, then bring the ruckus.

Or simply establish yourself as the dominant deity.

But go for some good powers and not just random ones.

Don’t assume dyslexia if someone threatens you with an evil spirit from the dog show.

Honestly, that’s sort of a weakness since it’s such an obvious clue.

It’s a scary world out there. Make sure your kids are aware of the dangers of stigmata.

Or just make sure they’re firmly in the ranks of the ruling class.

It also happened a long time ago, so the girl missed an opportunity for a sick burn here.

Kids really do ask the stupidest questions.

Seriously, son, this isn’t hard to figure out.

Then when mommy gets home it’s time for Netflix and chill.

Don’t totally give up just because you’re watching television.

Still better than Common Core math.

Learn from those who survived so you don’t have to follow in their paths.

As I mentioned last week, never leave your instructions at “do something.” Be specific.

Yet another example of when people aren’t provided with enough specifics. “Any objections” is pretty vague.

Maybe the battlefield just got her down.

He wore an onion on his belt, as was the fashion at the time.

Also, don’t tell her to smile. Bitches don’t like being told to smile.

Case in point.

Her husband is all about loaning it out and not asking for it back, too.

Kids are sort of like flame throwers. Tiny little relentless flamethrowers.

Disgusting little relentless flamethrowers.

Someday, this kid will help a future John McClane.

Do people believe this?

Of course, riding this doesn’t make one appear sober or graceful, so…

No way you could do this drunk.

The real story behind the invention of Facebook.

This, of course, led to “Frozen.” Don’t believe lies about “The Snow Queen” being the origin.

Even Elsa has her bad days.

This is why you should probably just stay inside.

On the other hand, love is a many splendored thing.

And there’s someone for everyone, pretty much.

Be prepared.

Umm, no?

At least he didn’t try to kill her.

Or build a wall around her house.

Just kidding. Trump is afraid of girls.

Or a Trump supporter. Statistically speaking, he has to have at least one supporter who is a cyclist.

Could be worse. They could be from Iowa.

Strange or normal and rational?

She actually said this to whoever played “Shiny Happy People,” so I think she deserves a pass.

Still better than “Shiny Happy People.”

Mostly consisting of people who play REM songs.

*Upon hearing really terrible music and being asked to give an opinion*

Spoiler alert!

It’s not a goose, so I think it’s cool.

It’s where they keep the truth.

He opened the filing cabinet.

Since last week, I have made very little progress on the whole world domination thing, but I’ve got an idea. It sounds crazy, and it might just be crazy enough to work.

With that, I’m off for adventure, intrigue, and a life filled with reckless wild abandon.

Until the singularity or the Stay Puft man returns to destroy us all, remember that you too can be a demiurge if you really set your mind to it. Probably. At least I’m pretty sure. And if there’s one thing we know, it’s that I’m highly lucid and always correct. On the other hand…