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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 27

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No one joins Twitter for fame or glory, but sometimes it can lead there. For example, I’m pretty sure Ben Domenech and I first discussed me submitting something for The Federalist via Twitter. But that’s small potatoes compared to happenings of this week. The official, verified account for Go-Gurt, @TheRealGogurt, followed me.

Maybe it’s because my youngest eats almost nothing but Go-Gurt and I tweeted that I would change her name to Go-Gurt in exchange for a sponsorship. In any case, much like George Jefferson, I’m moving on up.


This isn’t the first time she’s had a Go-Gurt-themed tweet in here.


Or if you’re thinking about delicious tubes of yogurt.


My mornings sometimes resemble this, except with you-know-what as opposed to a generic snack.


Another thing that you think about during those aforementioned mornings.


There are also the parts called “getting vomited on.”


A home rich not only in love, but also in sarcasm, is crucial for healthy development.


I’d accept the curse for this reason.


Don’t raise them to be millennials.


But if you’d burst out of a tube of Go-Gurt instead…


The struggle was real.


I never figured him for a gang-banger. Guess I was wrong.


*A Kenny G video starts to play*


Once you get to a certain age, you just DGAF anymore.


Like this guy.


Normally this is a really bad combination.


This is the big one, Elizabeth.


I <3 this tweet.


It’s not the devil one, I tried.


Find inspiration in the truth and it will set you free, as in free time, which you have because you’re a failure.


Another option.


They probably smell worse than she’s imagining, but to each her own.


This would never happen to a Viking woman.


They probably taste like chicken.


How do they know it’s not faking?


Geese, too.


But pigeons are horrible listeners.


They aren’t terrible fighters, though. They are sent by the Dark Lord.


Christmas is coming.


Another gift idea.


You can also try mockery.


Worth thousands of words.


I know the answer to this now. Because I asked the girl who sent this tweet to me.


Now we know why Anastasia said, “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”


Necessity is the mother of invention.


Who would take credit for something so horrible?


Now she’s going to write a song about Ozzy, then Adele will get in the mix, and then…


Let’s hear him out.


Life never gives me lemons, either. Everything’s a lie.


She has fancy plans…and pants to match.


Accept no substitutes.


As of writing, I plan to keep hanging around this place. Though, with the Go-Gurt thing in its infancy, who knows? I may find fortune and fame much sooner than expected. No matter what, though, I promise I won’t let it change me.