No one joins Twitter for fame or glory, but sometimes it can lead there. For example, I’m pretty sure Ben Domenech and I first discussed me submitting something for The Federalist via Twitter. But that’s small potatoes compared to happenings of this week. The official, verified account for Go-Gurt, @TheRealGogurt, followed me.
Maybe it’s because my youngest eats almost nothing but Go-Gurt and I tweeted that I would change her name to Go-Gurt in exchange for a sponsorship. In any case, much like George Jefferson, I’m moving on up.
This isn’t the first time she’s had a Go-Gurt-themed tweet in here.
My secret holiday apple pie recipe: 1: forget to buy apples 2: storm around yelling about hot-wheels on floor 3: slam box of Gogurt on table
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 18, 2015
Or if you’re thinking about delicious tubes of yogurt.
If you stare out the window with a pencil in your mouth, others won't know youre really thinking about grilled cheese sandwiches.
— Dolores (@Losephine) November 19, 2015
My mornings sometimes resemble this, except with you-know-what as opposed to a generic snack.
Can I have another snack, Mommy? Why do people die, Mommy? Can we watch Caillou, Mommy? Why are you crying, Mommy?
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 13, 2015
Another thing that you think about during those aforementioned mornings.
Where exactly does the American Academy of Pediatrics stand on blow darts full of sedatives for kids?
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 16, 2015
There are also the parts called “getting vomited on.”
My least favorite Dr. Seuss book is the one he wrote for parents, Oh the Things You Never Fathomed You'd Touch with Bare Hands.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) November 16, 2015
A home rich not only in love, but also in sarcasm, is crucial for healthy development.
"What has being a parent taught you?" [flashback] me:Your shoes are on the wrong feet, genius 9:I'm not a genius! me:I know! me:Compassion
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 16, 2015
I’d accept the curse for this reason.
Parenting would be a lot easier if I could turn into a werewolf every time I was angered.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 19, 2015
Don’t raise them to be millennials.
Instead of food, I put a note in my kid's lunchbox that says, "just steal a sandwich from one of the weaker children."
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) September 7, 2013
But if you’d burst out of a tube of Go-Gurt instead…
SURPRISE! I scream, bursting from the vat of mashed potatoes. The other lunch ladies do not look surprised They do not look surprised at all
— SpaceGirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) November 15, 2015
The struggle was real.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
— Minor Complication (@brettminor) May 7, 2014
I never figured him for a gang-banger. Guess I was wrong.
I'm Kenneth Georgio. I wanna join your gang. What can you do for us? *plays saxophone* That's smooth as shit, Kenny G. You're in.
— Lady (@ladybroseph) November 9, 2015
*A Kenny G video starts to play*
*putting a piece of bread in a vcr* I don't know what this machine does
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 7, 2015
Once you get to a certain age, you just DGAF anymore.
Mom: I brought you into this world and I can take you out Me: Who taught you about laws, mom? Granny? Granny: I'm allowed to kill everyone
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) November 21, 2014
Like this guy.
"That's so me," quoth the raven
— The Jonald (@senderblock23) November 18, 2015
Normally this is a really bad combination.
Escher is basically just what happens when an artist really like stairs, ladders, and drugs.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) February 28, 2014
This is the big one, Elizabeth.
I hope you're reading my tweets in a Fred Sanford voice as I intended.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) November 17, 2015
I <3 this tweet.
Today is the 152nd anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, and this week we named "emoji" the word of the year. What a time to be alive.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 19, 2015
It’s not the devil one, I tried.
What's the emoji for "I'm out of goat's blood. Can you pick some up? I'm casting a spell that'll suck the world into an inescapable vortex"?
— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) November 10, 2015
Find inspiration in the truth and it will set you free, as in free time, which you have because you’re a failure.
If at first you don't succeed, you're a failure. It is what it is.
— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) May 19, 2014
but have you tried flipping everyone off in a selfie?
— C. (@bossy_bootz) November 19, 2015
They probably smell worse than she’s imagining, but to each her own.
I just want my own personal Viking. Is that too much to ask for?
— QueenofDirtySarcasm (@420SassyBlonde) November 19, 2015
This would never happen to a Viking woman.
Not to brag but I'm the hottest girl in this hot yoga class. ~passes out from dehydration
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) November 17, 2015
They probably taste like chicken.
What if the Ant eaters go extinct? Will I have to eat all the ants? I don't even like ants Someone please answer me I could maybe eat 1?
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) May 31, 2015
How do they know it’s not faking?
Kids wrote their own version of The 12 Days of Christmas & it ends with "a dead possum in a tree." Cuz I needed more reasons to love them.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 18, 2015
But pigeons are horrible listeners.
might summon a demon to do my bidding today hbu?
— Nobody (@SleazySli) November 17, 2015
They aren’t terrible fighters, though. They are sent by the Dark Lord.
Next on Man vs Pigeon: another very one sided sword fight.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 13, 2015
Christmas is coming.
I'm a good gift giver. Take anniversaries. Nothing lets you know you nailed it like seeing her face when she unwraps 3 taxidermied wolves.
— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) November 18, 2015
Another gift idea.
"Some of the most brilliant people in history were called insane for their ideas," I tell my husband, as our robot vacuum brings my coffee.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) November 15, 2015
You can also try mockery.
Well, if screaming obscenities at an inanimate object doesn't fix the problem then I don't know what will.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 10, 2015
Worth thousands of words.
The eloquence of a sigh.
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) November 15, 2015
I know the answer to this now. Because I asked the girl who sent this tweet to me.
"Girls wear makeup to impress men." Lol you think I have all three Naked palettes to impress someone who can't tell Half Baked from Chopper?
— on her period (@onherperiod) November 16, 2015
Now we know why Anastasia said, “My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.”
"Hit her with a chair!" -me, drunk, watching Fifty Shades of Grey
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 10, 2015
Necessity is the mother of invention.
[Moments after inventing the wheel] Me: I must show this to everyone! *attaches a rope to it and drags it across the dirt on its side*
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) November 17, 2015
Who would take credit for something so horrible?
[first date] "Tell me two interesting things about yourself" well I lie when I'm nervous… "ok…" and I invented oatmeal
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) November 17, 2015
Now she’s going to write a song about Ozzy, then Adele will get in the mix, and then…
[black sabbath concert] OZZY OSBOURNE (doing a weird Taylor Swift cover): 🎶 Baby now we got BAT blood 🎶 *bites head right off a live bat*
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 19, 2015
Let’s hear him out.
Me: Do you think ISIS have a fax machine? Boss: I doubt it…why? Me: [Holding a jar of wasps] …I have an idea.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) November 19, 2015
Life never gives me lemons, either. Everything’s a lie.
I swiped furiously at my tear-streaked cheeks, unstrapping the pastries on my feet. They'd all lied. Cake-walking was not easy. Not at all.
— batkaren (@batkaren) November 19, 2015
She has fancy plans…and pants to match.
[slam typing out my resume] I'm the manager of 5 works, I know how to do everything. I live in a piano
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 17, 2015
Accept no substitutes.
"We're out of options, I'll have to use the jetpack," I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) November 15, 2015
As of writing, I plan to keep hanging around this place. Though, with the Go-Gurt thing in its infancy, who knows? I may find fortune and fame much sooner than expected. No matter what, though, I promise I won’t let it change me.
Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no
— Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) March 28, 2015