Once upon a time, there was a bunny rabbit and he had a carrot. He went in the clouds and saw a bird. He wished he could fly just like the bird. Then, one day, he grew wings. The bird and the bunny became friends and the bird promised to always go the bunny’s house so they could play. At that time, they became best friends forever. They always went to school and their houses, forever.
He should’ve stayed in school.
A nationwide recall of the popular children's cereal Trix was issued today
"Just dump them out in your garden" said one long-eared FDA agent
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) December 14, 2014
Accurate.
[in ambulance]
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
— bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
Curiosity drew it to the angry rope.
– Doctor, his cat didn't make it. Break it to him gently.
- OK, everyone here with a cat, raise your hand. No, not you, you can lower yours.
— 3M075 (@SamuelHLowe) July 26, 2015
Obviously, it’s foots.
[on beach watching the sunset]
GF: [puts her hand on mine] "what are you thinking about"
me: "d'you think the plural of bigfoot is bigfeet?"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) August 4, 2015
Especially geese.
Animals are far more terrifying than monsters because A. they are the same thing as monsters and B. they live everywhere around you
— future ghost (@TheAnimePolice) June 27, 2011
Where can I buy one?
[first date]
HER: So do you have any fantasies?
ME: *imagines cross-breeding tigers and penguins to make a tiguin* Oh yeah, baby
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) August 4, 2015
They were pondering the practical uses, like feeding snakes.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn't appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
— Smug Lemur (@Smug_Lemur) May 6, 2014
Although kids don’t always appreciate science.
My kids weren't impressed by anything at the science museum but I just turned milk into chocolate milk & now they think I'm a fucking wizard
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2015
Someone on Twitter got onto me for these and called them the Twitter equivalent of cat memes. Whatever.
I adopt cats because I can't have any of my own.
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) September 24, 2013
Grammar is important.
excuse me which computer can I watch porn from
"sir this is an English class"
oh sorry, from which computer may I watch porn
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) July 29, 2015
It’s really important.
[me holding a gun] SAY CONVERSATE ONE MORE TIME
— JAY [ham] KAY (@NurseMurderer) May 6, 2014
Especially when telling a story.
Him: *making eyes at her in this airport gate*
Her: *making eyes at him in this airport gate*
Me: *narrating their entire courtship aloud*
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 14, 2015
Women.
Can't, busy having irrational reactions to reasonable things.
— AZBaseballMom (@joci2203) July 29, 2015
This is absurd. They never actually restrain you.
*duct tapes him to chair*
I don't care if I only dreamt it, you think long and hard about what you did.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) June 26, 2015
It’s actually pretty sweet if you think about it.
*hands her Kool-Aid pitcher costume*
I'm not going to sugar coat this. Things may get a little weird.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) July 31, 2015
Unlike this.
Is it true that masturbating too much makes you go blind?
Makes you wonder what kind of sick shit Helen Keller was into.
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 22, 2014
People say romance is dead.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) February 27, 2015
Should’ve let Saucy come over.
My tombstone will say "He loved taking baths. And making toast. But he wasn't the most patient of men."
— Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) August 2, 2015
Or maybe not.
Excuse me sir, where can I charge my phone?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: I remember you *[angrily points to door]
ME: [sees outlet] Thank you so much
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) July 31, 2015
The third date is always memorable.
I forgot the rules about what to do on a 3rd date so long story short, I stole his wallet and his cat.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) August 3, 2015
“Fry, you can’t just sit here in the dark and listen to classical music!”
All of Mozart's concertos were about big butts
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 31, 2015
Dads try even less.
A 4 yo boy at carpool got out of mini van wearing Superman cape, swim goggles and snow boots. I love a mom who picks her battles.
— FleurDeLea (@celestinelea90) September 23, 2014
Choreplay never works, not that I’ve ever tried this because, c’mon, it’s not that complicated.
Hearing my husband pissily rearrange the dishwasher I loaded earlier gets me so hot.
Fuck.yes.marriage.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 4, 2015
Never rearranged one dishwasher in his life.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
"Can I buy one even if I've done sex?"
Um. Yes sir
"Cause I have"
Okay
"I've done all of it"
Please go
— Michael Flynn (@Home_Halfway) January 8, 2015
Home Depot: For All Your Totally Legit and Not Illicit Needs.
what happens in aisle 15, stays in aisle 15 pic.twitter.com/Oy2RDCLwJT
— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) July 25, 2015
Don’t ask about giga and terra.
Do I capitalize “Megadeth” if I’m using it in an equation? It’s a unit of dying, right? Like it’s 1,000,000 dies?
— Bridget Alexa Jones (@TheWoodenslurpy) August 3, 2015
But he’s a good listener.
[At mall]
I love your unwavering gaze when I tell you about my day.
"Ma'am, leave the mannequins alone or I'm calling the police again"
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) July 24, 2015
Eh, it’s a light.
[Lunch break at work]
*opens box*
"A Lunchable? Then that means.."
[cut to son at school]
*opens box*
*finds Lunchable and a Coors light*
— Pastor (@PastorBate) January 20, 2015
Solid parenting.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What's their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 25, 2015
They never forget.
I describe Indiana Jones when I'm asked about my dad.
It gets sketchy when I talk about the time we stole a golden idol.
He's a great dad.
— It's Stephanie (@Snarfernini) July 23, 2015
Doesn’t mean they’re not after you.
ME: What's the plans for today then, brain?
BRAIN: Anxiety, with a dash of paranoia.
ME: You suck.
BRAIN: That's what they say about you.
— Graham Patrick (@_GrahamPatrick) July 26, 2015
Way to give it away, Gordon.
"How much for her?"
Pimp: "$500"
"Woah, why so much?"
Pimp: "Cause every little thing she does is magic."
"OH SHIT, IT'S THE POLICE!"
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) August 19, 2014
The artist formerly known as honest.
I've been to at least a dozen secondhand stores and I've yet to find any raspberry berets.
You're full of shit, Prince.
— Wicked Jen (@wickedsuga) August 6, 2015
Better do what she says.
[reality dating show]
Let's meet the girls!
Girl 1: I'm Jenna, I'm a dancer
Girl 2: I'm girl 2. I'm alive
Sand monster: PICK ME OR ELSE
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) August 6, 2015
Not sure what the problem is.
[slumber party at our house]
WIFE: He's trying to be hip lately, just go with it
ME (walking in): I see you kids already met my trap queen
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) August 5, 2015
Winners ignore the rules and FIGHT.
"You've made your point, Dan. Now take the bag off."
[turning blue, about to pass out] I'LL decide…if something's…a "suffocation hazard"
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) August 3, 2015
Asking for it.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop [writing ticket]: Know why I'm ticketing you?
Me: For my Coexist bumper sticker?
C: For your Coexist bumper sticker.
— im not mayonnaise (@ThingsJackDigs) March 23, 2015
Excellent questions.
I used to have a crush on Bruce Jenner when I was young.
Does that now make me a lesbian?
I'm so confused. What bathroom do I use now?
— Holly Heals (@HollyHeals) August 4, 2015
Preach.
I like confusing other drivers by using my turn signal.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 30, 2015
Really, it’s okay.
Don't worry if you've forgotten the first rule of Passive Aggressive Club, it's fine.
— cluedont (@cluedont) August 15, 2014
Somebody get him a Twitter account, stat.
No matter how hard I try, I'll never be as rad as a homeless guy I saw yelling at a tree and wearing a Disney Princess T-Shirt.
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 6, 2015
Thanks again for tuning in for another exciting edition of Rich’s Cat Memes. Don’t forget to head back next week for a delicious recipe for flying rabbit wings. They’re a little tough to catch, but the meat is really tender and juicy, and it’s totally worth it. In the meantime, enjoy all the beauty that life has to offer.
[someone reading a beautiful poem in german]
ME: i have never been more frightened
— jondre 3000 (@senderblock23) January 20, 2015
