As Independence Day and its concomitant colorful explosions are upon us, it’s time to reflect upon the history of our nation and ask the important questions. For example, why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side? Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we’ve been told, and some choose to believe it. I know they’re wrong—wait and see.
Not to brag, but I'm like the only person on facebook who hasn't changed their profile picture to a rainbow.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 29, 2015
Speaking of symbols.
Ok I'm against the Confederate Flag but I feel like an exception should be made for the General Lee, it was used to get away from cops
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 2, 2015
Fancy Bill probably calls his car the General Lee.
Cop: Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Me: I don't know officer, somewhere in the 90s
*blasts Titanic Theme Song*
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) July 2, 2015
Never let Lincicome design your uniforms.
Good Cop: I arrested drug dealers.
Bad Cop: I snorted all their cocaine.
Plaid Cop: I hate my uniform.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 2, 2015
Endorsed.
*shaking my dying grandpa*
Tell me the secret to pulling quarters out of people's ears! (him mumbling) Of course I'm gonna use it for drugs!
— Piece (@Piecezilla) December 27, 2014
Becomes Master Tedi.
*delivers entire TEDTalk by writing 1 word at a time on a chalkboard & having my audience read it aloud before erasing and writing the next*
— Pants (@onedumbshark) July 1, 2015
My style of parenting.
"It takes a village," i mutter, once again leaving my kids at a gas station.
— Pencil Walrus (@PencilWalrus) July 1, 2015
I’m not poolside at the moment, but there is beer and the assumption that my kids are okay. As a matter of fact, there goes one. I hope she’s going somewhere good.
I wonder if it was after the second or fifth drink that I lost my kid at the pool. Meh, they'll show up eventually.
— It's me (@its33me33) June 26, 2015
Willy Loman in 2015.
Day 479. Still hustlin'. My shoes no longer have soles. My children refuse to speak to me. My wife is sleeping with a mattress salesman.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) June 27, 2015
Samesies.
been training for american ninja warrior and i've got the jumping into the pool part down.
— ocean compulsion (@Kauaibride) July 1, 2015
This sensei is probably also good at falling into the pool.
Signs your sensei is not about that life:
- unenthusiastic air kicks
- half hearted karate chops
- no ponytail
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) June 30, 2015
Maybe a roundhouse kick for good measure.
I'm pretty sure if my grandfather was still alive today he'd spend a lot of his time punching overly sensitive men.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) June 28, 2015
Be aggressive, b-e aggressive.
Waiting your turn at a four-way stop is a sign of weakness.
— Touchwood Tinder (@Chumpstring) June 28, 2015
I believe the children are the future.
I'm starting a lawn care company in Philadelphia. It'll be called Mowtown Philly. I'll hire some boys and turn them to men.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) June 26, 2015
Vegans never miss an opportunity to tell you they’re vegan.
*someone tries to hand me their baby*
No thanks, I'm vegan.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) June 30, 2015
Truth.
90% of being a parent is just nodding and pretending to listen.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) June 29, 2015
She’s not wrong.
It's not really drinking alone if you're babysitting.
— r๑×ƴ (@rockthechuck) April 14, 2015
The origin of the species.
Science fact: the cantaloupe is a close relative to the antelope. Scientists believe a larval state was abandoned by the hoofed animals.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) June 29, 2015
False flag!
[illuminati meeting]
sir we have been exposed by the mentally ill on the internet
lizard boss: MAKE ANOTHER BRAINWASHING BEYONCE VIDEO STAT
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) June 26, 2015
Yasssss!
I don't want a rubber wristwatchy thing that make me fit. I want a rubber wristwatchy thing that enables me to throw fireballs.
— etherbrian (@etherbrian) June 27, 2015
Dubstep: Origins.
VH1 Behind the Music: SKRILLEX: "Well, one day I misdialed, called a fax machine, and suddenly realized what I was put on Earth to do."
— Dave Brooksher (@VodkaShorebird) June 27, 2015
Could be worse. Could be Skrillex.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..
*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
— sad tree (@sad_tree) June 24, 2015
This is discrimination, plain and simple.
I'm sorry you're just not NASA material
"Why?"
Well, you wrote 'red' then crossed it out & put 'human' under blood type on your application.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) February 24, 2014
Caveat emptor.
That awkward moment when you
buy a freezer from Craigslist, and
there's still human remains in it.
— Marcmywords (@Marcmywords2) June 29, 2015
Don’t try this.
Wife: did you feed the baby miracle gro?
[giant baby standing behind me]
Me: no
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 21, 2015
There’s absolutely nothing good about glitter.
I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping & I have to call it Cinnamon.
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 31, 2014
Cats.
[A demon has possessed the Jones family cat]
CAT: I WILL FEAST ON YOUR CORPSES
MR JONES: Is it my imagination or has Mittens gotten nicer
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) July 1, 2015
Dogs.
My questionnaire for dogs:
1. Do you like to get pet
2. Who is a good boy
3. Is it you
— jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) August 2, 2013
It’s funny now, but wait.
Mom: I think I'll name her Jenny.
Dr: I'm sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) January 21, 2014
NDT?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 23, 2014
What’s that?
[therapy]
DOC: Let's talk about your fear of not being heard
ME: *through a megaphone* IF YOU THINK IT WILL HELP
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) July 1, 2015
Shopping with Wreckx-n-effect.
How to use the self-checkout:
1. Scan items
2. Place in bagging area
3. Select payment type
4. Take receipt
5. Wreck yourself
— Terry F (@daemonic3) July 2, 2014
They destroy anything.
Wife: WHY CAN'T WE KEEP THINGS NICE AROUND HERE?!
Me *stops jumping on couch* I dunno. The kids probably.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) June 30, 2015
I hate that little jerk and his incompletely animated universe so much.
I was gonna wish you a happy Canada Day, but then I remembered you people are responsible for Caillou.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) July 1, 2015
He was truly a gifted artist. He never expected things to turn out like this.
We need you to come down & identify your wife's body
Wile E Coyote: WHAT HAPPENED
52 car pile up, some idiot painted a fake tunnel on i80
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) June 28, 2015
Have a safe and happy Independence Day, kids. Remember, if you avoid drunkenness and injury, you’re doing it wrong. Celebrate your love of your country by blowing up a small piece of it, and yourself. Until we meet again, so long as I can still trust you on July 5.
Anybody with eyebrows on the 5th of July is not to be trusted.
— Varmint Cong (@MetricButtload) July 1, 2015
