Dear Bill Nye: Christmas And Music Desperately Need Your Help

Dear Bill Nye: Christmas And Music Desperately Need Your Help

Public schools really need Bill Nye to break out his debunker on their selection of Christmas music for recitals and pageants.

Dear Bill Nye,

A self-imposed plague of ignorance has descended upon our nation, and America needs you to help us find a cure. We need you, Bill Nye, to help stop this motley crew of zealots and ideologues who are willing to intellectually impoverish our youth in order to maintain their narrow worldview.

I’m speaking, of course, about the secularists who prevent public schoolchildren from singing good Christmas music simply because of its religious substance, those who demand that our youth shoot for the horizon in their musical education lest they encounter religion among the stars. Pick up the program for the winter choir concert at your local public high school and you will see that America is rife with those who would gladly watch human civilization rot to the soundtrack of “Feliz Navidad” if it prevented “For Unto Us a Child Is Born” from echoing in state-funded auditoriums. I implore you to save us.

I turn to you, of course, because this “my worldview just can’t even” mentality is exactly the kind of ideologically driven societal putrification that you deplored in that famous 2012 video where you urged creationists not to pass their beliefs onto their children. “If you want to be a knuckleheaded, divine fairytale gobbler, that’s your choice,” you essentially said. “But don’t impose these beliefs on your children, because doing so will surely cut them off from the wellspring of pure scientific waters necessary to birth the next generation of engineers, endocrinologists, and astronauts. We need your children to make the world a better place, so stop letting your hatred of science get in the way.”

Granted, as a creationist, I’m not convinced that I should refrain from teaching my children what I believe to be true, especially since there’s no evidence that a literal reading of Genesis 1-2 has inhibited the scientific advancement of the human race, something that perhaps should have made you, a scientist, hesitant to assert exactly that. But when it comes to the overarching question of how to navigate a pluralistic society, I completely agree with your conclusion. The next generation shouldn’t have to be uneducated, ignorant swine just because their parents can’t handle the mere mention of information they believe to be false. Since you strike me as a fair guy, I’m sure you’ll agree that what’s good for the sacred goose is good for the secular gander.

Christmas Music Mediocrity Threatens Us All

So please, just like you did in your anti-creationism video, tell the secularist ideologues of America, “it’s not fair to make your children into musical morons because your worldview won’t allow a mere mention of the Savior who inspired our best Christmas compositions. If you refuse to sing a single note from a single song associated with the Christian faith, fine. But don’t make your kids follow suit, because we need them to be the next generation of cellists, conductors, and librettists.”

The next generation shouldn’t have to be uneducated, ignorant swine just because their parents can’t handle the mere mention of information they believe to be false.

Please, Bill Nye, let worried non-Christians know that there’s a difference between public schools endorsing Christianity and teaching about Christianity. Help them see that having students learn really beautiful, historically important Christian songs is an educationally and culturally valuable thing. Promise them that simply singing the word “Christ” in a public school won’t grease up a slippery slope where frothing-at-the-mouth fundamentalist principals will eventually expel unbaptized students.

I implore you, Mr. Science Guy, let the middle school choir teachers of America know that 13-year-olds can aspire to something far greater than “Up on the Housetop,” and that you, high priest of neo-atheism, will gladly defend them if any parents get angry at having to accept the harsh reality that Christianity is, in fact, responsible for some of humanity’s greatest accomplishments, artistically and otherwise.

Children Deserve the Best Music Instruction We Can Offer

For the sake of our nation’s future, walk into Anytown USA Community High School and let the freshman and sophomores know that it’s okay to sing about something more substantial than snowflakes. Inform the juniors and seniors that the world will be a better place if they belt out Bach instead of crooning mediocre melodies about mistletoe. Perhaps you could even pull a Kanye West while some girl named McKyla or something is singing “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” and let everyone know that, while you’re happy for Mariah, Handel had the best yuletide music of all time.

Non-Christians shouldn’t make their children culturally and artistically illiterate by preventing them from hearing the name of Jesus.

Granted, this won’t make you popular with some of your secularist sycophants. After all, if they don’t want people singing Christmas hymns in church, they certainly won’t want people singing them in public schools. But I know I can trust you to abide by the principle professed in your viral video. Children shouldn’t have their wings clipped just because their parents are afraid to fly. And just as Christians shouldn’t make their children scientifically illiterate by preventing them from hearing the name of Darwin, so non-Christians shouldn’t make their children culturally and artistically illiterate by preventing them from hearing the name of Jesus.

I know you think a creationist worldview won’t exist in the not-too-distant future. And I’m certain you believe the planet will be a better place when that happens. But even if that brave new world of pure, uninhibited science gives us a life expectancy of 1,000 winters, if the only surviving December-themed ditty is “Do They Know It’s Christmas,” well, that’s not a life worth living.

Hans Fiene is a Lutheran pastor in Illinois and the creator of Lutheran Satire, a series of comical videos intended to teach the Lutheran faith. Follow him on Twitter, @HansFiene.
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