House Democrats released a previously top secret memo to the public on Wednesday regarding their investigation into how President Trump happened, as well as a Republican memo the minority members say is completely out of sync with their political goals.
The full memo is below.
TOP SECRET
UNCLASSIFIED
To: HPSCI Democratic Members
From: HPSCI Democratic Staff
Subject: Nonpartisan Review of Facts Pertaining to Investigation of Trump Administration
Declassified by order of TheNYT Editorial Board; Chris Cuomo, CNN; and Caitlyn the Intern, Buzzfeed
Purpose
This memorandum provides Members an update on significant facts relating to the nonpartisan and ongoing investigation by the Committee’s Democratic staff into the mentally deranged felon who is occupying the Office of the President of the United States, and the circumstances surrounding his illegal usurpation of the duties of that office at the expense of its rightful occupant, Secretary Hillary Rodham Clinton, blessed be Her Name.
Our findings, which are detailed below, (1) raise concerns with the legitimacy and legality of certain wiretapped conversations that we have reason to believe took place between Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, Vladimir Putin, Czar Nicholas II, Adolf Hitler, Jacobim Mugatu, and Tupac Shakur, and (2) represent a troubling breakdown of longstanding legal processes and safeguards established by the federal civil service to protect the American people from being governed by a member of the Republican Party.
This memorandum is also intended to respond to the declassification of a memorandum drafted by our Republican counterparts discussing abuses by senior leaders at the Department of Justice (DOJ) and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) related to their use of a fake dossier on President Trump paid for by the Clinton campaign (blessed be Its Purpose) to conduct wiretaps on American citizens. We dispute the facts presented in that memo with great umbrage and moral indignation, because they don’t suit our political purposes.
Investigation Background
On November 8, 2016, the American people voted in the regularly scheduled U.S. election. The purpose of that election, as specified by applicable law (title 7 of the United States Code, Chapter 61), was twofold: (1) to determine the proper size of the incoming Democratic majorities in the House and Senate, and (2) to coronate Secretary Clinton, blessed be Her Name, as Lord Madam Protector and Guardian of the Legacy of Barack H. Obama, May He Live Forever.
In the early hours of November 9, 2016, and notwithstanding applicable law, it was determined that the election results ran contrary to academic and media projections as well as the sincere hopes and desires of 100 percent of Americans that Democratic lawmakers speak to on a regular basis. These unforeseen deviations from an outcome that was otherwise guaranteed by political experts demanded the installation of a special prosecutor with unlimited authority, time, and resources to determine the obvious and flagrant illegalities that gave rise to this electoral defilement.
Investigation Update
Extensive research by Democratic staff of the HPSCI — research that includes a thorough review of classified intelligence, deep background sources, Wikipedia, and Salon.com — reveals highly sensitive and groundbreaking facts that were omitted from the Republican staff’s now-declassified memo, which was a filthy, filthy abomination.
These additional facts include:
- That foreign governments, among them both our adversaries and our friends, were keenly interested in the outcome of the U.S. election and were tracking its progress through clandestine sources and methods. Also, water is wet.
- That at least one of these foreign governments attempted to influence the outcome of the election, something that has never ever before occurred in American history (other than the infamous “Portuguese Witchcraft Ring” uncovered in the months following the failed 1840 reelection campaign of Martin Van Buren, and the subsequent arrest of Lisbon-born apothecary magnate Carlos de Ferro Santa Rita das Sousa Silva la Marilia and his Hungarian-American mistress who conducted espionage from deep cover within the Department of the Post Office).
- That senior leaders at the DOJ and FBI, and all of their spouses and children and extended family members and neighbors, made approximately eleventy-trillion dollars worth of cash contributions and in-kind service donations to the campaign of Secretary Clinton (blessed be Her Rightful Realm), but that Democratic staff’s analysis shows conclusively that this donation pattern had nothing to do with the actions taken by these DOJ and FBI officials in the months leading up to the 2016 election.
- That there is something called a “Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court,” but blabbidee blee blah blah.
- That the release of the GOP memo resulted in a dangerous acceleration of the pace of climate change.
- That going on primetime television and screaming the word “Russia” over and over again while hyperventilating into a paper bag results in positive polling for the Democratic Party and bodes well for the upcoming midterm elections.
Conclusion
The Democratic staff of HPSCI is committed to uncovering all of the facts related to this investigation and following them wherever they may lead, so long as the place to which they lead conforms with our pre-determined conclusion that Mr. Trump and all of his subordinates committed an impeachable and felonious crime of some kind, and that each additional half-second of his presidency constitutes a mortal danger to every person on Planet Earth.
UNCLASSIFIED
