Sandoz and Alan fled the scene, feeling upbeat thanks to the cheerful teller. Leaping over the bushes separating the sidewalk from the parking lot, they dove into the Fiero Dukes-of-Hazzard-style and 99 floored it. Fortunately, there were no sirens. Apparently, the cheerful teller hadn’t bothered to hit the alarm button. The lesson? If you’re going to rob a bank, do so when the person on the alarm is finishing up her last day on the job.
Less fortunate was the fact a comic was putting on some sort of performance piece along their escape route. Even more unfortunate was that it was neither funny nor entertaining. As 99 navigated between pieces of gym equipment, various props, and a giant box of toothpicks, he noticed the comic’s veiny biceps and bright red hair. Of all days to run into Carrot Top, this had to be the worst, not that any other day would’ve been much better.
Nevertheless, he made his way through the obstacle course with only mild damage to the toothpicks, which greatly improved Carrot Top’s performance, before launching off an invisible ramp, Dukes-of-Hazzard-style. The car landed on a road that would lead them out of town.
Having safely put distance between themselves and the bank, 99 slowed the car down to a semi-legal speed and actually stopped at a red light. It was then that he realized he’d forgotten to instruct Sandoz and Alan on everything they were supposed to grab in the bank.
By the time my grandfather was my age, he’d robbed 2 banks & done 10 yrs in a GA prison. I don’t even dare to ask the teller for a lollipop.
— she’s unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) August 23, 2017
The light turned green and 99 looked in the rearview mirror before hitting the gas. Carrot Top was running down the middle of the street. 99 wasn’t sure if it was to give thanks or curses, so he rolled down the window and yelled before peeling out.
Deep down I’m sorry your magic career never took off.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) August 16, 2017
Tires screeching, an image appeared before them.
Thought a portal to another dimension was opening but it was just someone’s stupid headlights reflecting off my window WHY IS LIFE SO UNFAIR
— Jesspocalypse (@jessforaminute) August 21, 2017
In any case, they seemed to have lost the prop comic, but they knew, deep down, that he might still be hot on their tail.
Real or imagined, a good nemesis will keep you on your toes.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) August 17, 2017
Turning onto an old two-lane highway, the found themselves behind a bus. Not wanting to go too slowly, 99 pulled into the left lane and passed it. Alan and Sandoz noticed a bizarre man sitting in one of the seats.
[sits next to stranger on crowded bus, pulls out from bag an array of crystals, oils, and candles]
me: excuse me, I need to cast some spells
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) August 15, 2017
Sandoz made a proposal.
rob car washes with me & we’ll head out west
— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) July 27, 2017
Alan and 99 both looked at her and nodded. Alan responded, “Sure, a burger sounds great, but it might be awhile before we find a joint on this road.” Sandoz scowled at them both.
It takes a lot of effort to pretend like you’re listening.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 29, 2017
99 was distracted by something else altogether.
an unrequited high-5 from 1989 is still haunting me
— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) November 29, 2016
At least he was wearing the proper accessories.
It’s pretty obvious he’s not into you if he doesn’t wear driving gloves.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) August 5, 2014
And had a destination in mind, a place they could regroup and plan their next steps.
Having a secret volcano base and a private army is sweet but I miss the days when I was just a crazy kid with a giant laser gun and a dream.
— John Lyon (@JohnLyonTweets) August 24, 2017
Upon hearing this, Sandoz and Alan could offer only one response.
You have lost your freaking mind.
— Kimtopher (@kimtopher22) August 19, 2017
So, he continued.
I’m finally seeing a ROI from my doomsday device. I thought this one was going to break me.
— Nathan✖ (@nthall350) August 28, 2017
As it was getting late, the trio decided to stop for the night and finish their journey to the volcano base in the morning.
There’s nothing like a good camp fire… it keeps you warm, you can gaze at the stars, drink wine, burn evidence…
— K∀RL∀ 🍷 (@karlainvt) August 16, 2017
They may have had a little too much wine and not enough evidence to burn.
Drinking and time traveling do not mix. I can’t remember what happened tomorrow.
— Drew (@dmc1138) August 3, 2017
They did make sure their campground was safe before the wine.
Putting eucalyptus under your bed will keep you from being bitten by a bassist in your sleep.
— Piece (@Piecezilla) August 12, 2017
They didn’t, however, wait to discuss strategies for the following morning before the wine.
I’m drinking. Let’s make plans for tomorrow.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) July 22, 2017
After cleaning up, because they really didn’t want to leave a trace, they headed back out. That’s when 99 noticed something at one of the other campsites.
I just lowered my sunglasses to look at a girl like I was in a David Lee Roth video
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) August 15, 2017
Back in traffic, they noticed something odd in the car next to them.
can’t tell if the guy next to me at this stoplight is listening to dubstep or his car is getting ready to explode
— Nobody (@SleazySli) February 29, 2016
That’s when they heard the thud of something—no, someone landing atop their car. It was Carrot Top. Alas, standing wasn’t a good strategy because he had no grip, so 99 just floored it again and sent him tumbling into the road. 99 yelled out the window again.
Where were you when death passed you by?
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) August 9, 2017
Arriving at their volcano base, those plans from the night before began to reveal themselves as they noticed their entire private army had replaced their helmets with toupees. Alan turned his head and whistled, as though he had no clue who had made this decision.
I’m a horrible influence, unless you’re partial to bad advice.
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) August 14, 2017
The three stood silently, trying to figure out where the helmets had gone. That’s when a particularly spirited soldier broke out in song. They forgot what they were thinking about.
Sorry my moxie disrupted your concentration.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) July 27, 2017
The soldier just kept going.
Rambling on is how I roll.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) August 18, 2017
Then she made a helpful suggestion.
I can feel your anger. Have you thought about free-basing a Care Bear?
— Štäçē (@girl_a_whirl) August 17, 2014
They decided maybe mobilizing a private army to rob car washes was a tad extreme and tempered their plans accordingly. Alan still hadn’t gotten that burger they’d discussed the day before.
Let’s meet for a disorderly excursion. We can still do lunch as well
— Fred Zipfel (@Fredzipfel) August 9, 2017
The first restaurant they passed didn’t offer burgers, but there was too much going on in the parking lot anyway.
I went to Burning Man once. Well, not Burning Man but I lit a guy on fire behind an Arby’s. Drugs were involved so it was kinda the same.
— Octopus/Caveman (@OctopusCaveman) July 13, 2017
Sandoz attempted to doze.
Even badass bitches need to nap.
— Anna Grace (@graceful_asfuck) August 24, 2017
It didn’t go well, for soon a cop car came roaring up behind them. Only it wasn’t the police, it was Carrot Top. 99 began evasive movements, but took a wrong turn and ended up in a cul de sac. The Fiero slid to a stop.
The sirens stopped in front of my house, I should probably have a gander brb
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) August 30, 2017
The four emerged from their cars, but the trio had an unlikely ally. No, it wasn’t their army; it was a mom taking back-to-school photos and not happy about the return of the alarm clock.
Woke up wanting to set the goddam world on fire again
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) August 28, 2017
Sensing the futility of his attempts at revenge, Carrot Top gave up and offered a vague excuse for stealing a cruiser and tracking them down.
I know what made me who I am. It was Fraggle Rock, Season 1, Episode 5.
— Joleen Doreen (@JoleenDoreen) July 23, 2017
The trio decided they needed a new ride, beloved as their Fiero was. Fortunately, there’s always that one house on the highway and Alan is a skilled mechanic.
We live next to the highway I guess we should start collecting broken down trucks in our yard now
-everyone who lives next to the highway
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) July 17, 2017
That house had a party going on, which made it easier to blend in. Plus there was an old Land Cruiser which, predictably, started as though it were brand new.
My mullet demands a safe space where women with 80s hairstyles drink wine coolers and dance to Billy Ray Cyrus song(s).
— J™ (@CommonSavant) August 29, 2017
That’s when I popped out of a topiary and said hello.
I’m so ridiculous. I mean I think that goes without saying but I’m running out of conversation here.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) August 12, 2017
The trio set back out. The party was getting a little out of hand.
Contemplating pandimensional portal into a fiery hellscape cosplay for today.
— taffy bennïngton (@singwithTaffy) August 3, 2017
Like really out of hand.
Come, warm yourself next to me by the infernal fires of Hell.
— Insignificant Funds (@4SLars) August 21, 2017
Plus 99 was worried about this.
I’m always on my guard when a stranger approaches, because I know at least one of my relatives has sent a terminator back to kill me.
— antisocialsocialist (@gobmentcheese) May 15, 2017
He didn’t need to worry.
You’ll live. They only kill the best.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) October 29, 2016
Especially as the terminator, while at the party, had changed his mission.
Woo her with a haiku about big asses.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) July 27, 2017
But then this guy got going and they knew it was time to leave.
“Are you ready for the end of dry skin?” I ask as my jaw unhinges and you hear the screams of a million tortured souls crying from the abyss
— Ironballs McGinty (@IronballsMcGinT) July 27, 2017
The sky grew dark and ominous with that proclamation. 99 punched it and, again, yelled out the window, even though Carrot Top was nowhere to be seen.
cheering on lightning
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) July 24, 2017
Not that it mattered, they had a new plan.
I save up all my questions for Google, then go to their HQ and shout them at employees as they leave for lunch.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) July 18, 2017
Well, a mildly altered plan.
Still looking for fortune and infamy.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) August 29, 2017
And the tools they needed to achieve it.
language translator apps and the things they make you say wrong to entertain the locals
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) August 31, 2017
99 cranked up the stereo. Where they were going needed a soundtrack.
I made you a mixtape. The first song is “She’s Like The Wind” by Patrick Swayze.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 12, 2017
And where were they going? Somewhere out of this world.
In a parallel world your missing sock is looking for you too.
— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) August 17, 2017
Not that they had much hope of finding the lost sock. They were replete with toupees, though.
I’m not only a failure, I’m also a huge disappointment.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) August 14, 2017
And some loose plans for the night.
It’s a beautiful evening to tie a weather balloon to an old witch and watch her put a curse on the whole town.
— FRANKENFRECKLE (@gothicaseas) August 4, 2017
Off they went, the Land Cruiser kicking up dust as they vacated the yard and headed toward destinations unknown, except for deciding it needed to be somewhere that offered a weather balloon. As they headed down the highway, they passed an unlicensed zoo. Standing out front, there was a giraffe with zebra stripes. It transfixed Sandoz, though her mind started to cloud.
The giraffe slowly morphed from animal to computer screen and back again. Then she realized she’d drifted off while her computer decided to install 284 Windows updates. It was the middle of the afternoon, after all, so an ideal time for a plethora of updates. Nevertheless, she was definitely not in a Land Cruiser looking at a bizarre giraffe.
It was then that her boss walked up and asked a question. She thought about recounting the bizarre dream of escapades and talking dogs, but decided against it, especially as there was a St. Bernard roaming the parking lot.
CEO: Did you really tell the client to go fuck himself?
Me: That’s classified
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) June 10, 2017