If there is an email that’s even more exciting than ones about the fortune awaiting you in Nigeria, it’s those from LinkedIn letting you know that people are looking at your account. Usually it won’t tell you who is looking at your account, but rest assured, people are looking. Important people.
Never mind that the financial reward from such digital glances is often roughly on par with those from your Nigerian uncle. What’s important is the reminder that LinkedIn continues to exist and may or may not prove useful the next time you look for a job. You’ll never know until you do. Just remember, as LinkedIn will tell you, companies like BNSF and Union Pacific are looking for people with keywords such as yours.
The algorithm is gonna get you tonight.
Apparently you don't win musical chairs by beating the coworker next to u with your chair & singing Murder Train. Unrelated: got fired today
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) August 17, 2016
Sometimes you go looking for a new gig; other times, you get recruited.
Robocop is my favourite movie about how getting gunned down by drug lords is an opportunity for you to become so much more awesome
— Sock Holliday (@sock_holliday) June 28, 2016
When you’re selling yourself, it’s not about being modest. It’s about being bold.
interviewer: is this a resumé or some kinda joke?me: give me the job or gtfo.can i borrow your pen?[adds "keepin' it real" to resumé]
— BJ (@iamburtjarvis) August 8, 2016
Can you be reported to HR before you get a job?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest weakness?ME: *hand already on his thigh* Interviewers.
— Kandy Mins (@CallousBalzac) August 9, 2016
If you wait till you’re hired, though, it’s like getting a free vacation day.
Why am I the only one signed up for the sexual harassment class?Ohhhhhhh…..
— Jodih (@jodihull77) August 18, 2016
In 2016, it’s all about authenticity. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
me as a realtor:This house does include a crawl space. It's probably full of bones already, but you can always add more bones yourself.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 24, 2016
Don’t give up now. There’s time yet to fulfill your dreams.
It's extremely disappointing that I've never been used by a super villain for a nefarious purpose.
— Goddess of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) August 15, 2016
Be thoughtful with any emails you send, though, mmmkay?
No matter who you are, if you put "please advise" in email to me, just know that I want to punch you in the face.
— Jen P (@jenp33333) July 13, 2016
But also get creative and wait for the notices and companies that have positions that may fit you to start rolling in.
Updated my LinkedIn profile,-Affordable Gynecologist
— Big Pun (@Deadpool_Sucks) August 11, 2016
There’s honest and there’s too honest. Know the difference.
Boss: You know what your problem is?Me: Yes, I'm prone to homicide.Boss: …Me: You were saying?
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) August 16, 2016
Be prepared for statements like this. Use it to highlight how your weaknesses are really strengths.
Sorry, didn't realize I was supposed to be impressed.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) August 13, 2016
If the fit isn’t there, you just move on.
Ya but does your new gf show up at your work dressed like a kitten? No? Oh that's why you left me? Ok I'm sure you'll be very happy together
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) August 11, 2016
You’ve got more tools in your shed, after all.
I brought a knife to a gun fight to cut my losses.
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) August 14, 2016
You’ve got fancy plans … and pants to match.
My retirement plan is to live in the cargo hold of a ship and spend all my time convincing the sailors I'm a ghost haunting them.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) August 12, 2016
Look, no one is ever really qualified. Turn it back on your interlocutors.
Well of course I knew better.What's your point?
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 13, 2016
On the other hand, be prepared if you get the job. There will be a ton of paperwork.
them: U have a lizard listed as your emergency contactme: Correctthem: If u have a heart attack u want us to call a lizard?me: Correct
— Doughnuts & Tiaras (@AmnesiaRose) May 5, 2016
Also, they know this. There’s no need to tell them. You’re involved in an intricate charade.
I have better things to do tomorrow, and by better I mean anything but this.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) August 12, 2016
I’m calling HR.
Getting out of bed is always my first inappropriate decision of the day
— Optimistic Pugnado (@LuvPug) August 9, 2016
Use this to your advantage. Much filthy lucre awaits if you do.
Your pet goldfish is a spy.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) August 1, 2016
Know your limits.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
— NinJAR (@_NinJar) April 29, 2014
Never volunteer more information than you have to.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What's up?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 5, 2016
Get creative, but also shower and put on clean clothes.
They said dress for the job you want but how does one dress as a stay at home bartender?
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) January 22, 2016
“If a customer were to say this to you, how would you respond?”
[on date]Waiter: What can I get you?Guy: You order first.Me: I'll have what they're having. *points to couple fighting loudly at the bar*
— Miss Moneypenny (@MoneypennyNaked) August 15, 2016
Dare to dream. Also, nightmares are technically dreams.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I'm not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 14, 2016
And don’t limit your dreams. Aim for the sky.
I just wanna be rich enough to own a pet lion named Lebron Manes.
— Cecil (@ilovecuredmeats) May 11, 2014
Don’t believe the lies. If you show up unprepared, it’s going to hurt you.
[i subtract 300 from my score using a calculator]Alex Trebek: once again you don't need to do that, we're keeping track
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 15, 2016
This can be turned into a strength. Maybe your potential boss is allergic to wool.
i never go outside at night because my inner light shines so bright that i attract moths
— Nobody (@SleazySli) July 27, 2016
One downfall of modernity is that this question even has to be asked.
On a scale of 1 to functional alcoholic, where does pre-gaming before my daughter's kindergarten open house fall?
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) August 15, 2016
“Can you tell me about a time you used a creative solution to solve a problem?”
A cattle bolt gun, but for aggressive parents during youth sports.
— tenley (@ProudFFAalumni) May 21, 2016
“Lemme tell you about how I deal with traffic congestion in situations in which time is of the essence.”
[Flees the scene of a crime in a rickshaw]
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) August 13, 2016
Another consideration: The ubiquity of digital records. My personal strategy is to make sure they’re an impenetrable web of insanity, but your mileage may vary.
Him: So what's been up with you? M: Can you google that, pls?
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) August 16, 2016
For the budding entrepreneurs, remember that your business may not be for everyone.
I'm sorry I drank beers with your husband in the garage during your candle party Denise but to be fair you were talking about candles
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) December 29, 2015
Don’t get too caught up in your passions. You’re trying to get a job.
Frankly there just aren't enough people who understand the rich cultural subtext of My Little Pony.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 10, 2016
When seeking out mentors, find people who aren’t afraid to drop some truth bombs.
Too harsh? Not harsh enough, I say.
— Poppy (@poppy_daydreams) July 30, 2016
And don’t get too crazy when setting goals.
I should probably move 'cuddling a rabid hyena' further down on my bucket list.
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) July 8, 2016
Disrupt the status quo!
*Dinosaurs invent time machine**Travel to 2016**Flip on PBS Kids*Dinosaur 1: This is bullshit. We didn't have any trains.
— The St. Louisan (@thestlouisan) July 14, 2016
The interviewers know this, but keep it to yourself until after your first performance review.
I'm tired of people asking, "Do you think the world revolves around you?" when clearly they're interrupting me from thinking about myself.
— PrincessCandyEmpire (@llvvzz) July 19, 2016
On the other hand.
[Guy Fieri approaches]Guy: Money!We: *laugh in disbelief*G: *pulls gun* GIVE ME YOUR MONEY OR YOU ALL GET A ONE WAY TICKET TO FLAVOR TOWN
— Oz9 (@lucidchemistry) August 7, 2016
After the above incident, things went south for this outside-the-box thinker.
* Guy Fieri frying chicken in used motor oil *
— J (@Dis0beyJay) August 8, 2016
Then this happened.
Alice in Wonderland but it's just me, drunk, plunging this toilet.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 23, 2016
Then, a life finished in the retail sector.
IKEA: no ma'am, you can't bring the Sëksi back if your husband damaged the box
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) July 28, 2016
“Millennials, sure, I understand them.”
"Stay woke," I say, pretending to know what that means.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 15, 2016
Guy Fieri said, “Sure, whatever, I don’t care anymore.”
[buying movie tickets for Secret Life of Pets]Me: 1 adult and [gestures to my cats]13 childrenHim: Umm, ma'am those are finger puppets
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) July 18, 2016
For when the end arrives, you will have an anthem.
[on death bed]Doctor: you have 5 minutes to live.Me: *starts frantically googling random '80's song lyrics*
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) August 6, 2016
For there will always be interesting stories to tell.
If a friend is bragging about a cool vacation just keep asking, "what type of wild birds are indigenous to that region?" until they stop.
— Sarcastic Ally (@SarcasticAlly12) August 12, 2016
Memories made.
I take your hand, surprised at the warmth. The skin is so delicate, I can almost see the lovely bones beneath. Good-bye sweet, sassy lady.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) August 18, 2016
A legacy to outlast you.
Pregnant CW: I'm having a girl!Me:Her:Me: Congrats! They are ideal for marrying off to neighboring warlords for strategic alliances!
— Raccoon Friender (@CVTBaby) August 18, 2016
A bright, bright future.
I heard dolphins are robots from the future and eat fanta bottle caps? Also, what's the average weight of uniHorns I think I'm gettin played
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) August 11, 2016
And the mythology that became you.
If you're the only person in the room with me when I die please report that my last words were "nothing but net."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 13, 2016
As some circular logic hippie said, failure is just a something something something positive.
Make a to do list each morning so you can reflect on the ways you failed at the end of every day
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) August 18, 2016
And it keeps you in good shape.
Letting myself down is my Cardio.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) August 19, 2016
So live it up. In the words of Ferris Bueller, the world moves pretty past. If you don’t stop and look around, you could miss it. But not you. You forgot to maintain a fresh profile. As a result, you didn’t get noticed and then this happened. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
i promise i'll be there for you. no, over there. further. little further. keep going
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) March 15, 2016