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My Toxic, Masculine Life With The Dude Wiper 1000

I’m a soft and delicate flower, and the Dude Wiper 1000 is there for me.

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When I first encountered the Dude Wiper 1000 sometime in August 2020, I presumed it was because it might be useful for general hygiene and as an antidote to toilet paper shortages. Boy, was I wrong. The Dude Wiper 1000 isn’t about any of those things. It’s about toxic masculinity. 

Vox, explainering as it does, had this to say about the Dude Wiper 1000, as well as a few other products marketed to men: “There exists an entire industry to masculinize inanimate objects to make them worthy of man usage. War Paint is makeup specifically branded for men. So were Kleenex’s ‘Man-Size’ boxes and ‘Brogurt,’ a yogurt for bros, before being rebranded after public mockery. And the Dude Wiper 1000, according to its semi-ironic, tongue-in-cheek website, ‘is not some ordinary bidet attachment,’ as it has ‘blasters’ to clean even the manliest of buttholes.”

Ignore the fact that marketing in general has a rich history of cisnormativity. Also ignore that I’m 100 percent on board with toxic masculinity. Yet my Three Mile Island-level of toxins of the masculine variety is not why the Dude Wiper 1000 became a cornerstone of my house.

Let There Be Wipes

A scene in “Deadpool 2” gets to the heart of the matter. Even the manliest of men like cleanliness and, as such, flushable wipes arose. The thing about flushable wipes is, they aren’t so flushable. In fact, they’re terrible for plumbing, in part because of government-mandated low-flow toilets, but also because of how they’re designed. Regardless, we all started buying them because they’re awesome.

This is where Dude Products got its start. The four dudes who founded it felt much like Matt Damon did in “Deadpool 2” and decided to make a difference in the world. But like most revolutionary entrepreneurs, they didn’t stop there. They continued to ask questions, including the most important of questions: What if there were a better way?

From that question arose a better way, a way to experience an even more sublime version of cleanliness, one that doesn’t stretch your plumbing’s capabilities. A way that offered all the benefits of wipes, and then some, in an affordable DIY installation. Well, mostly DIY.

Toxic Masculinity Isn’t Just for Men

I live with four women. One is my wife, the rest are our children. And they love the Dude Wiper 1000 as much as I do. Kids can learn to walk uphill both ways in the snow, so my early concerns didn’t involve them at all. My wife, however, deserves the best. And that’s why one of my priorities when we moved into a new home in December 2020 was re-installing the inaugural one in our new master bath as soon as possible.

Given that plumbing does not at all have any universal standards, American Standard notwithstanding, I quickly discovered that our new master toilet had some really funky guts. For some reason, the water supply didn’t simply connect to the bottom of the tank but went inside the tank, where it somehow met up with the rest of the system. Moreover, as I learned once the plumber came when I called, the connections had been misthreaded, which is why my attempt to install it in our new home resulted in a leak and an inability to use that toilet for a few days because I had to turn off the water, drain it, and shut it down.

This is how important the Dude Wiper 1000 was to our new home. It was a priority so crucial that no one complained when our bathroom became unusable, to the point of needing to call a plumber to ensure it was present and available. The level of importance also extended to calling a plumber to install the second one I purchased for my upstairs bar/office shortly after moving.

My kids don’t know it yet, but I’m going to buy two more and have them installed in their bathrooms shortly after Christmas. It’s not really because I’m a giver, although I obviously am, but mostly because I’m tired of trying to go into the master bathroom or the bar bathroom only to be denied because one of my progeny is in there.

The Healing Power of Cleansing Rain

When I installed the Dude Wiper 1000 in our previous house back in August 2020, I had no idea what sort of pain in the rear life was about to deliver to me, nor how important the Dude Wiper 1000 was going to become because of that pain.

It started with what I thought was a stomach bug, then it pivoted to what I thought was persistent dehydration. Turns out, I had an infection that had burst through my bladder. On the road to fixing that, there were many twists and turns to fixing my twists and turns, including a colonoscopy.

If you’ve not yet had a colonoscopy, you might not realize that the first part of it is making sure you’re empty beforehand. To accomplish this, you drink this really awful medicine designed to help you empty yourself with a vengeance, which is 110 percent more terrible than it sounds. Without wading too deep into the details, suffice it to say it’s a process that truly makes a bidet your best friend.

In other words, I don’t love the Dude Wiper 1000 because of my dudeness, but in spite of it. I need to be fresh and clean. I need to feel refreshed. I don’t need to engage in feats of strength to achieve those goals.

I May Be a Dude, But I’m Also a Soft and Delicate Flower

When I got my first Dude Wiper 1000 back in 2020, I didn’t predict its life-changing effects: fighting my daughters for the bathroom and ordering them their own. But it did. (Coincidentally, you still have time to do the same if you happen to be looking for a last-minute Christmas gift. Regardless, as a dude, I abide.)

For I am not just a dude, but also a soft and delicate flower, and the Dude Wiper 1000 is there for me. It is my gentle rain on a hard day, refreshing and renewing me.

If you’re willing, it can be the same for you. You just have to embrace your own toxic masculinity, even if you’re a woman. Step into the cascade, and discover the pleasant cleansing power of dudeness.