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I Keep My Kid Locked In The Apartment. So What? (An Op-Ed From 2019)

People keep telling me that these choices are going to have lasting, long-term, negative effects on my child. Come on, man. Kids are adaptable.


My ten-year-old kid doesn’t go to school, doesn’t play sports, takes no dance or theater or music classes. We never go to the movies. We don’t go to restaurants, and I try to limit his contact with any other human beings.

This is my choice as a parent, yet that doesn’t stop people from mocking and judging my parental prerogative. It’s like they think there is only one right way to raise a kid. Such arrogance.

People keep telling me that these choices are going to have lasting, long-term, negative effects on my child. Come on, man. Kids are adaptable. In fact, if all these adults weren’t freaking out about him being locked in his house away from his friends, he wouldn’t even know any better. He’d think it was normal, and not give it another thought.

Contact with other kids and adults is soooo important to child development? Prove it. I don’t have a degree in education or anything, but I’m pretty sure that these claims of lasting damage are way overblown.

All these progressives, with their “We need more programs for kids” all the time, “let’s spend a billion dollars to make sure they get stupid art classes,” I mean, let’s be real. Art class is a waste of time. Our kids don’t really need it. It’s just a way for a bunch of losers who wasted their student loans on art school to eke out a few bucks. Even the progressives don’t actually think it really matters. If art class disappeared for a year, I bet they wouldn’t actually care.

Then there is this whole “Kids. Have. To. Go. To. School.” canard. Seriously? Have these people heard of the Internet? All of human knowledge is available at a click. My kid knows whatever he wants to know. Earlier today, I says to my kid, I says, “Hey kid, who is Boog Powell?” Like 8 seconds after looking down at his phone he said, “An outfielder for the Orioles.” So what are we paying teacher’s unions for? Eight seconds! It’s all online.

I am sick and tired of being accused of child abuse just because I choose, as a parent, to keep my child locked in my apartment as far away from any other human beings as possible. And don’t even get me started about the mask. On the rare occasions he does leave the apartment, my son never does it without a full face covering. Is it statistically unlikely that a kidnapper might take a shine to his smile and snatch him up? Sure. Is that a reason not to be vigilant? Never. If it can save one child, it is worth it.

I understand that my parental methods seem strange. But there is nothing, nothing, nothing more important than making sure your child is completely safe 100 percent of the time. Is the football team really worth the risk of concussion? Is gymnastics really worth the risk of a broken neck? We have virtual reality goggles now; our kids can all experience that at equal skill levels with no risk. You know, virtually. Call it, I don’t know, virtual learning or something.

I know you’re all drinking your coffee reading this and thinking This guy is crazy. But I’ve thought this through. It’s the future. Nothing else makes sense. The purpose of life is to live as long as possible and consume as much as possible. That is only going to be achieved by atomizing our reality. I’m preparing my son for that. He could live to 150 years of age all by himself if he orders the right supplements from Amazon.

All I ask is an open mind. Don’t judge. I am doing what I think is best, even if you think it is barbarism and tantamount to child abuse. You never know. I mean, it’s a crazy world, you might just happen to come around to my way of thinking soon. Don’t feel the need to apologize.