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LOL You Guys! Every Reporters’ BFF Just Took Over Joe’s Brain And They Are STOKED

Kamala Harris in West Des Moines, Iowa. Gage Skidmore/Flickr.

We all have texting buddies, and most reporters have assignment editors, but imagine if those two combined into one super cool friend who might be headed to the White House.


America’s political reporters got off to a quick start Wednesday morning. Hard to blame them cracking a beer. They were probably still buzzing from The New York Times’ Tuesday story declaring the video evidence of actual Portland rioters burning Bibles as… Russian propaganda!

Woah, what a high!

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But guys, there’s more. Tuesday night, Ol’ Sleepy Creepy picked Sen. Kamala Harris to be the Dem presidential nominee. Imagine the excitement? “That’s my BFF headed to the White House!” The very politician who CNN’s Maeve Reston, NBC’s Ali Vitali and CBS’s Caitlin Huey-Burns took on a shopping spree!


Please understand. We all have texting buddies, and most reporters have assignment editors, but imagine if those two combined into one super cool friend who might be headed to the White House? Well that’s what just happened CNN’s Kyung Lah. Imagine the scoops she’ll get?

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So we can forgive the rest of the press being happy for their friends. And happy they were.

Politico’s Anna Palmer and Jake Sherman were just Corn Pops for Kamala, getting right to it in the opening graph of their morning newsletter:

Woah there, remember what your dad told you and don’t be an asshole, Bedford, there’s probably more substance right… below…

Here it is: Kamala is “a Chuck Taylor-wearing 55… the picture of vigor… at one with contemporary pop culture and steeped in the issues facing Americans.”

And we learn all that in just one sentence?

Well, who’s she running against anyway? Oh, just two old white men who kill Americans is all, so back to Harris, who “is unafraid to mix it up with reporters, eager — OK, maybe just willing — to stop in the Capitol to chat with the vulturous press corps.”

Magic Eye this ain’t: You don’t even need to look real close and then back up slowly to see the excitement, kids, they literally check themselves in real time.

But let’s put some context on this hot dog: We’re talking about a reporter who started a podcast and lecture series called “Women Rule” to save the dreams and self-worth of all the little girls she knew were crushed when Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump. At least the little girls who survived Roe. So she’s excited, and we shouldn’t be harsh.

Know who’s not excited? Shaun King. Remember him? He’s the white guy who says he’s a black guy who used to write for The Daily News and now does something else I think. Well he’s not taking this one sitting down. Not one bit.

Guy must be piiiissssssed. I mean, what’s he going to do, vote Trump? There’s only so many total identity-shifts a man can take before his body begins to break down. So let’s… take… a look:

Oh. Well… his body his choice.

Speaking of choices, The New York Times’ front-page editor had a big one: where to put Kamala? When unsure, and in the interest of fairness, it’s always best to let history be the guide. Treat others as you, ya know, treat others sort of thing, right?


Wrong. It is, after all, the current year.

Not to be outdone by the guys who got the homepage, the internet Times team called one of the Senate’s most viciously antiCatholic members “a pragmatic moderate.” That one’s gonna sail, folks.

But surely not everything is honky dory in KamalaPlayLand? I mean, there is that time she was talking to her new host body on a nationally televised stage and chose to begin a sentence with “I don’t think you’re a racist… but…” and end it with a story about how his racist policy crushed her childhood dreams.

I mean, that’s gotta sting, right?

Relax. Turns out? Didn’t happen!

He’s right, of course. She let everyone in America know she thought he was pretty racist, as The New Yorker noted, but she didn’t actually say the magic words. Philip is a serious reporter, after all, not one to hear dog whistles in every political utterance. But before we award points for consistency, let’s just do a quick… little…

Oh. Good to know.