Not content to recede gracefully, or even to steer clear of various conspiracies on par with fluoride and gay frogs, Miss Havisham is still at it. This time, she’s got a righteous burn for President Trump, imagining how John F. Kennedy would have sounded had he written a letter to former Soviet leader Nikita Kruschev along the lines of Trump’s recent letter to Turkish President Recep Erdogan.
Hillary’s letter is painful. It’s riddled with stilted speech and a weak attempt to use swear words like that other future has-been who at least can kind of skateboard and pretend to air drum. Whether or not you agreed with Trump’s approach, at least his fondness for cuss words is authentic, something Hilldog struggles with.
She doesn’t do hep cat well, nor does she seem to hang loose very often. But she also doesn’t seem poised to go gently into that good night, so someone should help her. Given that she has about as much chance of occupying higher office at this point as I do, it might as well be me.
I am not in Hillary’s target market, which I assume is those young whippersnappers that the Democrats are always talking about. I do, however, have a better understanding of them than she does. They don’t want focus group messaging, stripped of all meaning. They don’t want lame jokes about “The Soviet Bunion,” which doesn’t even remotely work because union and bunion don’t rhyme. They don’t want “hugs.” They want that aforementioned authenticity. Hillary, you can deliver that. You just have to embrace your roots.
While I’m on record as being less than a huge fan of the boomers, I do understand them. Hilldog, you understand them, too, at least the ones you don’t consider deplorable. To really make the most of your presence on the computer, you need to lean in to that. Then, and only then, will your dreams of raging against the dying of the light come true. To that end, here are some suggestions.
Do You Know How Much Less That Used to Cost?
Did you know that it only cost around 70 cents to go to a movie in 1962? In 2019, it’s $9! That’s ridiculous. It’s time for someone to remind us of the glory days of Camelot, and Camelot, and why the world was so much better 60 years ago.
What are Trump and the Republicans doing to bring back those halcyon days? Nothing, that’s what. Remind people to not even get you started on a cup of coffee, a gallon of gas, or a newspaper.
“Forrest Gump” is the greatest movie ever made, full stop. Reference it whenever possible. Pepper your social media posts with quotes like “Life is like a box of chocolates: you never know which ones the Russians are going to give you” and “Run, Hillary! Run!” Elizabeth Warren is just a warmed-over version of you. Remember, this is about authenticity. Don’t make the voters settle for second best.
Self-Checkout Grocery Shopping
Remember when Little Timmy used to ring up and bag your groceries? Not only would he handle everything, he did it right, not smashing your bread at the bottom of the bag. Now, you have to scan and bag them yourself, trying to avoid crushing your various delicate purchases. And you don’t even get an employee discount for doing all the work yourself. Moreover, it’s hard to write a check to pay for them.
These are issues that speak to people. Do remind them that basket of groceries is way more expensive. Don’t remind them that their checks get processed by those blasted computers, just like the cards.
Speaking of Computers
Why are they so complicated to use and hard to clean? They never work like they’re supposed to, especially when you’re trying to order an iced tea to be delivered from the kitchen to your study. And who decided we should carry them around in our pockets? Phones are supposed to be tethered to the wall. A rant about these tribulations would be both relevant and timely.
Remember Simple, Elegant Pleasures
There was a time we appreciated gathering around a formal table for a meal, enjoying classic things like congealed salads. Now, burgers and fries are considered appropriate. This is just wrong.
Much like air travel, modern life should be reminiscent of a time when the rubes weren’t allowed to enjoy the finer things. Remember that Forrest said, “The best thing about visiting the president is the food! Now, since it was all free, and I wasn’t hungry but thirsty, I must’ve drank me 15 Dr. Peppers.” Actually, maybe skip that one. The focus group suggests it might sound supportive of the fast-food feast Trump served Clemson when it won the national championship.
Hill, you may not be in the race—yet—but that doesn’t mean your voice isn’t crucial to success in 2020, whoever’s success it is. The world is waiting to hear what you have to say on a variety of issues, both big and small. Given your ability to connect with voters, it’s incumbent on you, even if you’re not the incumbent, to use it. But you have to embrace your roots.
The way to do so is to be a boomer. Be the biggest boomer you can be. Bring forth memories of happier days, of missile crises, stagflation, and [REDACTED]. As the once-popular poster of the kitten hanging from a wire reminded us, “Hang in there.” (Note: Remember to share that poster on Instagram. Make inspirational messages memes again!) And remember, as Mama Gump said, “You’ve got to put the past behind you before you can move on.”
Actually, maybe “Forrest Gump” isn’t the best lodestar for this new project, but remember, it actually experienced success, so just massage the message as needed. You have our, well, not support, but you do have our encouragement. We’ll be waiting on you to spam us with messages on Facebook after your account gets hacked, again.