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I’m Definitely A Real Wall Street Guy Who Hates Elizabeth Warren


If there’s one things we kings of Wall Street are known for, it’s reticence about sharing our opinions. That’s why we have to insist on anonymity when doing things like talking to CNBC about Elizabeth Warren.

Sure, we’re loyal Democrats, but Warren is just a little too hostile to our brand of capitalism. As such, if she’s the nominee, we may be forced to sit idly by. Worse still, we may even be forced to support Donald Trump. How do I know this? Because I’m a totally real Wall Street guy and I hate Elizabeth Warren.

I have all the characteristics of a human being‒flesh, blood, skin, hair, a deep love of Huey Lewis‒and, like all human beings, I love regulatory capture. If that doesn’t convince you I’m a real person, I don’t know what will.

As a real person who loves regulatory capture, I have to give voice to the voiceless, namely other totally real and totally anonymous Wall Street guys. We can’t have Warren showing that “the tax code of 2017 was basically nonsense and only helped corporations,” which is something we’re extremely worried about. Nothing gets ordinary folks going like complicated monetary policy.

Moreover, while I may advocate things like promoting general social concern and less materialism in young people, there are limits. Especially if I can’t monetize general social concern and decreasing materialism amongst the youth. Warren is a threat to that and people who love regulatory capture simply cannot risk that a person who loves regulation might end up in the White House.

It’s not like we could insert ourselves into the process while new regulations are being written and get some really sweet concessions. That’s why I and my totally real Wall Street and big business friends talked to CNBC. This is in no way a fake story designed to bolster Warren’s populist bona fides and help her with those who think we have too much power, as if that were even possible. We had to come forward.

It all started one night over dinner at Dorsia. After the dessert course, we retired to my apartment to discuss the high points of not just Huey Lewis’ catalog, but also that of Phil Collins and Whitney Houston, as we finance bros are wont to do. With Lewis, the obvious winner is “Fore!” with the undisputed masterpiece of the album being “Hip to Be Square.” Collins obviously worked better within the confines of Genesis than he did as a solo artist, although we agreed that the word “artist” was entirely fitting, as he transcends the label of mere performer and that “Susuddio” is a masterpiece.

But it was Whitney, and specifically “The Greatest Love of All,” that really forced us to think about the election and our roles in it. The track is one of the most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation, about dignity. While listening to it, we knew we had to stop being silent and instead bravely provide CNBC a few quotes it could attempt to use to prove the entirety of Wall Street and business is united against Warren.

And we did. We thought not about our self-preservation and dignity, but yours, and how all we really want for the world is peace, love, and understanding. We wanted to signal to the financial community that it’s okay to stop sitting on the sidelines and accepting whatever hand the government decides to deal us.

We wanted to make sure that people across flyover country, the true supporters of Wall Street and big business, know that Warren is not on our side. We even doubled down and talked to the normally circumspect Jim Cramer about why Warren has to be stopped.

Initially, it seemed that our endeavor was successful. Still, we wonder if our message is truly getting out. I am worried that people are doubting my bona fides as a totally real Wall Street guy and assuming that this is just another example of reporters using “some say” as a stand in for “I think.” I can assure you it is not.

I, anonymous Wall Street quote guy, exist. I am not an idea, I am not some kind of abstraction. I am not illusory. You can shake my hand and feel my flesh gripping yours and maybe even sense our lifestyles are comparable. You can probably even sense that we have similar concerns about Election 2020, the tax code, and the candidates.

I am not imitating reality, a rough semblance of a human being, with only a dim corner of my mind functioning. I am real, spectacular, and dedicated to taking down Elizabeth Warren before she gains traction. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some videotapes.