With their decision to feature Colin Kaepernick on the 30th anniversary of their “Just Shoot Me” campaign, the Nike Corporation has pushed me over the edge of sanity. Kaepernick represents an insult to the American flag, to anyone who has ever worn any uniform ever, and to people with boring haircuts. I’ve reached a boiling point in my brain and will stay silent no longer. Ya basta, as Kaepernick’s hero, Che Guevara,would say.
Not only will I no longer buy Nike products, I will also no longer wear shoes, socks, or underwear. In addition, I refuse to watch the National Football League, the National Basketball Association, professional wrestling, and especially baseball, because the players have forgotten how to play the game and instead are just focused on hitting home runs and enjoying themselves. This, to me, seems like a sane and normal reaction to the announcement of a corporate sponsorship.
Meanwhile, with the revelation that In-N-Out Burger gave the unfathomable sum of $25,000 (almost the cost of an entire Toyota Avalon!) to the Republican Party, I’ve lost all respect for that company. All corporations, even those with secret menus, should only give money to political parties I favor.
Therefore, I’ve decided that I will no longer patronize In-N-Out. I’ve eaten my last double-double Protein-Style Flying Dutchman no spread with mustard baked into the patties, accompanied by Animal-Style fries and a root beer float. Also, I will no longer eat at Chick-Fil-A, Wendy’s, Menchies, or Romano’s Marscapone Grill, in case anyone who works for those companies has ever donated to or voted for the Republican Party.
It’s been an outrageous week for outrage, but I stand strong in this golden moment. Because of the announcement that the repulsive Nazi sympathizer Steve Bannon had been booked to speak at the New Yorker festival, I’ve decided to cancel my participation in that festival also, even though his invitation has since been rescinded.
My one-on-one conversation with Adam Gopnik, “How The Trump Administration Threatened My Sabbatical,” will no longer appear on the schedule, much to everyone’s dismay. I stand with my fellow intellectual luminaries Judd Apatow, Jim Carrey, and the lead singer of Beaches in saying there’s no room for a strange perspective with which I disagree at a festival sponsored by a publication that regularly causes me to fall asleep on the toilet.
If you have ever appeared on, watched, or know anyone who’s appeared on or watched Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, Al-Jazeera, or Cheddar, then I’m done with you. I have no time or interest in anything having to do with The Washington Post, Breitbart, Vox, or The Weekly Reader. I’m boycotting all books, including my own, published by Amazon and Hachette.
My protest extends to Hollywood for “whitewashing” Asian characters by casting the roles with white actors, for casting Asian characters in conspicuous displays of wealth in “Crazy Rich Asians,” and for not making the new She-Ra sexy enough for me. I boycott it all!
Straight people should never play gay characters, and gay people should never play straight characters. No one should ever play a transgender character. But if anyone tries to ban transgender people from baking a cake or using the restroom of their choosing, I will boycott them as well.
People know I’ll follow through on my threats, which is why I’m so widely feared. I’m as good as my word, and my words are always good. I pulled my book deal from the publisher who planned to release Milo Yabbadabbadoo’s book. Like Thanos snapping his fingers, I caused Milo—and the publisher—to cease to exist.
When I told The New York Times that they’d better not say anything nice about Roseanne Barr or I’d never publish in their pages again, they backed off. Then Roseanne compared an accomplished black woman to an ape. ABC cancelled her unfairly. I boycotted them for that, and their ratings plunged. I will boycott “The Conners” this fall. I will also refuse to watch “The Goldbergs” because of Jewish stereotypes, and “Arrow,” because I cannot follow the plot.
To sum and en toto, everyone had better watch themselves at all times. I’ve written the playbook of what’s socially acceptable. It’s always changing. No one understands the rules of this game but me. That’s why I’m boycotting almost everyone who spoke or sang at Aretha Franklin and John McCain’s funeral. Except for Ariana Grande—who, let’s face it, is a total smokeshow—they all did things that were unacceptable.
The game is up, people. If you dance with the devil, we’re both going to get a hotfoot. Especially when I’m not wearing Nike shoes. Enough, I say, is enough.