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10 Reasons My Cat Deserves To Win The Intersectional Victim Olympics


For those who have been in a medically induced coma or solitary confinement for the past decade, intersectionality is a victimhood sweepstakes wherein various victim groups are identified or created from scratch, after which individuals assign themselves to as many as possible.

Under the rules compiled by the Critical Theory Commission, the various victim statuses are then added up (multiplied?) to attain one’s Victim Score, which can be used to demand special dispensations from society or state-enforced obedience by non-woke citizens to inane rituals.

Intersectionality was invented by third-wave feminists who noticed that white women were having all the fun being victimized. By adding race, gender identity, class, sexual orientation, and many other factors to the mix, they could trump (if you will) those white b-tches who were getting all the glory.

My cat, Moe, attains a breathtaking Intersectionality Score, as I will demonstrate hither.

The Case For Moe’s Victimhood

My cat is a feline of color (FOC). Moe is approximately half white and half orange. Under current ethnic diversity guidelines, if there is any amount of color in a cat’s fur, s/he/ze is an FOC, and as such, can claim victim status and demand that other cats— such as those snotty Ragdolls and Angoras— check their white privilege. This is one of the few advantages afforded to Moe under intersectionality, yet without the company of other cats, it cannot be exercised.

My cat lives in a food desert. Moe is limited to canned food, kibble, fattening kitty snacks, and an occasional small bowl of milk or table scraps. He has no leafy greens, kale, root vegetables, fresh fruit, kale, gluten-free alternatives, kale, or farm-to-table choices.

He also does not have access to trendy culinary choices such as zoodles, pork cheeks, kale, paleo desserts, poke bowls, culturally appropriated street food, or kale dribbled with condiments passed off as small-plate delicacies at offensive prices.

My cat is differently abled. Moe was born without opposable thumbs. This means that simple things that we “ableist” individuals snootily take for granted, such as opening food cans, scooping kibble into bowls, shoving away a plate of kale in disgust, or pouring “an occasional small bowl of milk” from unwieldy gallon jugs (is “jugs” sexist?) must be done by caregivers who sleep late and are often absent for long periods of time, particularly during weekdays, during which Moe’s needs are significantly neglected and he has no method of communicating those needs.

Occasionally, his caregivers will be absent for weeks at a time, when he is left in the care of untrained substitutes who are more interested in munching kale and watching Netflix women-in-jeopardy offerings than attending to their assigned duties.

My cat is a victim of neglect. At no time during his life (if you can call it that) under the current circumstances has he been allowed access to bath or shower facilities, except to sniff around after someone else has used them. As noted above, he does not have the ability to manipulate faucet knobs (is “knobs” sexist?) anyway, so in this respect he is on his own.

He has resorted to grooming himself by licking his fur and doing his business in a box full of sand. Again, due to the lack of thumbs, he cannot even keep this box clean, and must hope that his caregivers are paying proper attention.

My cat is gender non-binary. Moe possesses only half of the genitalia of a normal cat. Oppressor veterinarians in the employ of our county government practiced Feline Genital Mutilation (FGM) on him without his consent. This might be the cause of his sorrowful howling at various times of the day as he ponders how rich his life might have been, and may explain his strange attraction to birds, squirrels, and insects instead of members of his own species.

My cat is held prisoner without due process. Moe cannot leave the compound for any reason, despite constant mewling attempts to claim his innocence. He has not even been informed of the charges against him. This type of ruthless imprisonment was first revealed in a shocking exposé by the noted documentarian Ze Frank, which you may watch here. Caution: this video contains disturbing content. Viewer discretion is advised.

My cat is a torture victim. Occasionally, Moe is stuffed into a small cage and taken to a torture chamber where people dressed in white coats poke and prod him, inject him with poisonous substances, shove objects down his throat and up his nether regions (what he has left, anyway), then cram him back into the cage, where he is returned to the compound while his oppressors act as if nothing has happened.

My cat is denied equal access to education opportunities. The neighbor’s dog gets to attend classes to improve her skills at Fetching Objects and Bringing Them Back, Mid Air Frisbee® Catching, Under-Fence Excavation, Going-For-A-Walk Etiquette, Fire Hydrant Identification and Marking, and other skills to keep the mind and body sharp and in shape. Moe is denied all of these opportunities.

His only chances for self-improvement and exercise are Roaring Around the House as if Pursued by Unseen Alien Forces, Batting Around the Catnip Mouse Pretending it is Actually Alive, Curtain and Furniture Climbing/Clawing, Hairball Production, and Puking— which all must be mastered without professional instruction.

My cat is under the thumb of the white cis power structure. This institution does not employ any gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, genderqueer, former Special Forces soldiers in drag, men who can bear children, persons-of-color, or other members of victimized groups. There’s just a (paunchy) white hetero guy and a white hetero woman. All policies and procedures, operational methods, and other factors that regulate daily life stem from the nearsighted, tunnel-vision worldview and narrow cultural experiences of these two appallingly shallow and boring people.

My cat is denied agency. Moe is voiceless in the current regime and has no input into issues such as food choice or meal scheduling, hours of operation, bedtime, use of appliances, or access to cupboards and closets. Further, the administration forbids walking on counters and access to certain parts of the house, and decrees which furniture is available for napping.

These rules are applied in an inconsistent fashion and change constantly, especially when there are guests in the house. No amount of mewling, yelps, or impersonation of a human infant in distress seems to get the attention of administrators.

As I believe I have clearly and forcefully demonstrated, Moe attains an Intersectionality Score well beyond, say, New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s claim to be male, female, Jew, Muslim (but not Christian), homeless, transgender, Charlie Hebdo, and mentally deranged, despite the fact that he suffers from only one of these disadvantages.