Sports fans are the best. Their passion and commitment drive their heroes to victory, and their perseverance keeps them cheering for teams and individuals through wins and losses. The relationship between humans and sport is a strong bond. We have millennia of examples of respect, support, honor, and resiliency to show how great sports fans are.
Sports fans really are the best. Until they are the worst. Without fail, there are always the fans who go too far. These take their teams to victory, somehow internalize the success as though it were their own doing, and are now somehow unstoppable.
They are the ones who make complete idiots of themselves in attempts at athleticism. They behave like cavemen or drink to the point of making terrible (albeit sometimes hysterical) decisions.
Sports fan really can be the absolute worst. In preparation for the NCAA National Championship tonight, here is a short list of sports fans you don’t want to be. Trust us.
1. The Rioter or Car Flipper
You do understand that car is your property, right? Or the property of your colleagues, roommates, or neighbors? There is nothing logical or good about damaging things to show how happy you are.
Despite this, each year celebratory riots inevitably break out after sporting events, often leading to arrests, lawsuits, and sometimes death. In 2012 alone, Kentucky basketball fans sent at least 20 people to the hospital and dozens more to jail for festive rioting.
Let’s be honest: destruction of property is disrespectful and stupid—really, really stupid. No matter how excited you get about winning, don’t take it out on your neighborhood. Your things deserve better.
2. The Bonfire Jumper
Celebratory arson? Lighting fires in the middle of the road, then hurling your body over them in joy? Nothing about this sounds like a good idea. Nothing. In the last four years, North Carolina’s Jaycee Burn Center has treated 79 people for burn injuries related to bonfires. Seventy-nine! UNC hasn’t even had a basketball National Championship in that timeframe. For safety’s sake, do not be the bonfire jumper. It’s not impressing anyone.
3. The Excessive Drinker
At least once we’ve almost all been the friend who drank too much. But excessive alcohol and good behavior hardly ever mix. So whether it’s drunk driving, drunk walking (falling), blood alcohol poisoning, or just bad behavior, don’t ruin the night for others by being the drunk everyone has to babysit.
Also, if you are going to be that drunk, at least make sure your friends get some pictures.
4. The Pee-er
It’s almost always a guy. And it’s never the first time he’s peed in the most un-bathroom-like location possible. The closet, in a cab, someone else’s shoes, his really expensive Final Four seat. We all know one. This fan is often the excessive drinker, but has to take it a step further. We’d rather see you puke than see you pee on yourself. Don’t be this guy.
5. The Court or Field Rusher
In many instances, the need to rush a court to join your team in merriment is great. In fact, the team and coaches may look forward to having you join them in their joy, in their space. But never, never, ever rush the court if you are expected to win. Or you’ve beat the opponent in the last decade. Or they are not ranked higher than you. Or they aren’t ranked at all. Act like you’ve been there. Act like it was expected.
Pro Tip: And certainly, don’t be like St. Bonaventure, who rushed the court before the win… resulting in their team losing. How embarrassing.
6. The Climber or Goal Post Breaker
Celebration has an odd influence on fans’ desire to climb things. Goal posts, trees, barriers between the crowd and the arena, streetlights and signs… For whatever reason, the need for some sports fans to exert a lot of physical energy leads to a desire to climb on (usually unsteady) objects. And property damage. Like the bonfire jumper, don’t risk your life to celebrate. Climb on your couch in the comfort of your own home.
7. Crying Face Michael Jordan
Lastly, but most importantly, if your team loses, don’t be the weeping mess from the Sweet 16 or crying Michael Jordan. Never be the crying face Michael Jordan meme.
This young fan does not agree with the call. pic.twitter.com/A50cJE2D9N
— CBS Sports (@CBSSports) March 18, 2017