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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 85

By: Rich Cromwell
11 min read
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Few people realize that wolves and ancient wolf-like dogs aren’t the only canines that once roamed the earth, predating like the bosses they are and seeking out cave paintings depicting the question, “Who’s a good boy?” There was another pack of canines, ones that were early-adopters of the fine art of canine specialization: Welsh Corgis.

The breed started with just four small dogs that the wolves and other ancients used to herd the giant otters that provided roughly 73% of their nourishment. Those four, much like the Pevensie children, ended up breaking off and going on some adventures that may or may not have involved centaurs, minotaurs, and other GMO animals.

Eventually, the four arrived in Wales and begin growing their numbers, both through recruitment of other small herding dogs with perky ears and the more traditional way of gaining descendants. They were not to live in obscurity, though. No, they would attain their glory, much like the Pevensie children, by saving the king from a pack of murderous Utahraptors, the largest of the raptors but also the raptor with the lamest name.

It was a fierce battle, what with the Corgis running around the raptors’ legs and the raptors struggling to reach them with their really short arms, but ultimately the question of “who’s a good boy?” was decided in favor of the furry creatures rather than the feathered ones.
From there the dogs went on to hold a place of special prominence in the royal court, although the aforementioned shortness of their limbs prevented them from dominating there as they had in the wild. It offered a sting they could never really get past.


Give pets the hottest style this season and make it look like they’ve been battling a swarm of velociraptors.


They’re only extinct if you believe them in your heart to be extinct. Or if things went horribly wrong, again, and you had do bomb the island.


His theme music is dope though.


I knew hiring this guy as my chief researcher and geneticist was a mistake.


Plus it makes the wild animals who creep and crawl in the night work a little harder.


This was how Michael Crichton first started “Jurassic Park.”


“The raptors are a tad unpredictable.”


It was then that the large flock of Compsognathus swarmed on the unsuspecting young man.


That’s why you keep Slayer’s “Reign in Blood” on repeat all the live long day.


There are fragments of dinosaur eggs here and there.


With that sort of attitude you’ll never take over the theme park and command the t-rexes to do your bidding.


Wrong movie!


This infuriates the bipedal animals because it isn’t a game, but the essence of their existence.


Eventually, Doomasaurus was right, but by then he was alone and destitute having made his proclamation one too many times.


Depends on if the wolf is one of those fancy hypoallergenic varieties and also if they chew your nose off.


But are there raptors in that reality?


This sequel to “Gone Girl” looks promising.


What about things that were hatched in a laboratory?


Sometimes natural selection needs a little push.


And now for a word from my sponsor. Who is also known as me.


Yeah, but there’s no reasoning with an angry swarm of predators, awakened after millions of years, and pissed about having genes from a cute little frog inserted in their sequence.


This isn’t a brains kind of operation, to quote Mr. Longbaugh.


That’s what I’m talking about.


Dammit.


Just make sure you’re ruminating upon geese.


Also think about what you did here.


It’s also good for angry predators and people hiding in the attic.


Or cats who just don’t speak your language.


Sorry, cat from Istanbul.


Jokes on you since we named one of the attractions “Kombucha.”


Yes, you may be on a mission, a dangerous one at that. Don’t use that as an excuse to not look your very best.


If Chihuahuas aren’t your thing.


The person in charge of this operation, well, she’s a little different, as you might expect.


This isn’t a terrible idea, though.


She has sugar in her pockets. She’s sorry it’s not in packets.


The raptors smell great, so chalk that up to a win.


Well, the more excitable dinosaurs could turn on you in one final meta result of bad decisions.


Way ahead of you here.


Don’t encourage the other employees to eat the shoppers.


She can’t handle the truth.


It’s a solid plan. Now pass the Fanta.


Think of them as snacks, perhaps distractions, you can fling here and there to thwart the Utahraptors attempting to surround you.


It’s evolution happening in real time, enjoy it.


As my uncle used to say, “They’re all good boys, even if they’re girls.” He was a bit of an odd fellow.


But then one of the -aurs showed back up.


Though thwarted in their plans to dominate the court in all the ways they dreamed about, the royal Corgis went on to produce a plethora of offspring. The other members of the royal court did as well, though history doesn’t always treat them as kindly as it does the dogs. The minotaurs and centaurs receded into the woodwork and life became less erratic, particularly with regard for the possibility of attack by vengeful prehistoric reptiles.
Such is the circle of life. For as Dr. Ian Malcolm reminds us, “Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that’s how it always starts. Then later there’s running and um, screaming.”

Richard Cromwell is a writer and senior contributor at The Federalist. He lives in Northwest Arkansas with his wife, three daughters, and two crazy dogs. Co-host of the podcast Coffee & Cochon, you can find him on Facebook and Twitter, though you should probably avoid using social media.
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Rich Cromwell
@rcromwell4
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