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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 80

The Ghosts of Christmas Past: ‘Take Heed, Rise, and Walk with Me.’

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Somewhere there’s an old swing set and a rotting trampoline, taunting you with increased fervor as Christmas draws near.

They are ghosts who haven’t quite realized what they are. Ghosts of Christmases past. Reminders of gifts that, though once fun, are now just in the yard being too big for curbside pick-up. Also, reminders of a lot of brutal hours spent outdoors assembling them, with the latter being on Christmas day. An extremely cold Christmas day. And I was out there assembling a frame and stretching springs and canvas. I mean you. You were out there.

There is hope, though, especially in this Christmas season. You need only stride into your yard, and it is your yard, and remember your Ghost of Christmas Past. You stare down that swing set and dilapidated trampoline and proclaim, “Take heed, rise, and walk with me.”

If that doesn’t work, remember you can borrow a pickup truck. You can also take out your frustration with this year’s gifts.

Choose poorly and this might happen. There are some other ghosts who can help you.


But what if he’s just trying to help guide you toward an even brighter future?


Okay, so check this out, these dudes really can help.


Look, you started it, but it’s time for the present or the future in your story, so I’ll go.


He’ll come to appreciate it, so I wouldn’t worry.


I don’t know if the ghosts did that, but it should probably work.


You can also try portions from a certain character in a classic Christmas tale. Your choice.


This strategy for the elf also has merit.


Gradually bring you to enlightenment and giving away a goose? Wait, I’m not sure that story ended very well.


This isn’t very helpful and not at all in the Christmas spirit.


This, on the other hand, is super helpful.


It’s really the only way if Old Ebenezer is ever to learn.


A ghost?


Just blame your behavior on an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato.


They’re trying to help you. Jeez.


Sometimes the only path forward is the more difficult one. Just ask Casper or whatever his name is that keeps reminding us of our childhood.


This guy gets the spirit of remembrance.


But who can fault her spirit of preparedness?


Same basic premise at play here with only a few diversions.


You now know the only option is to treat them with kindness, just not the killing variety.


I smell a reboot.


Yeah, but hang on ‘cause these dudes are going to drop some knowledge on you.


But sometimes the tasks are of a supernatural nature and that’s cool.


Now presenting the Ghost of Christmas Festive!


Sometimes you gotta tear a little bit down to build back up. Just ask our tour guides.


They’re ghosts. They just slide through them. Wait, how do they not fall through the floor?


I think we know why that one ghost keeps hanging out around your place.


Sorry but this was fair. You were warned, after all.


Leave Santa out of this.


Have you considered he’s from the future and trying to warn you about a danger zone?


This isn’t K-Log. Don’t listen to him.


To make lemonade, Kevin might be on his way to a new and bright future! Or maybe to a really dark one.


Okay but you can’t kick a ghost.


Like “Y for art thou haunting me so harshly?”


That’s where they came from on Christmas Past.


Send in the 10th life!


Just like “A Christmas Carol.”


Go on.


Except.


Nobody bats 1,000.


Whatever cleverness you employ, make sure it’s deployed under a cloak of subterfuge.


Okay, we get it. We need a fire extinguisher. Stop being such a Debbie Downer.


I don’t how many times I have to say this, but they’re trying to help.


Are you sure that’s a cat?


First, they break you down.


Take heed, rise, etc.


That’s the spirit!


Then why are you here now?


Christmas spirits usually do have a flair for the dramatic.


Somewhere there’s a chandelier and an old piano, taunting you because your parents’ generation saved everything, literally. That means it’s not just the trampoline and swing set to contend with, but a bunch of other things too.

Slowly music begins to swell in the background as another spectral creature enters the fray. As your ears perk up, you realize it’s neither “God Bless Us Everyone” nor “Music of the Night.” In this update, it’s the theme song to “Sanford and Son.” The ghost speaks. Her first words are, “You big dummy.”