Somewhere there’s an old swing set and a rotting trampoline, taunting you with increased fervor as Christmas draws near.
They are ghosts who haven’t quite realized what they are. Ghosts of Christmases past. Reminders of gifts that, though once fun, are now just in the yard being too big for curbside pick-up. Also, reminders of a lot of brutal hours spent outdoors assembling them, with the latter being on Christmas day. An extremely cold Christmas day. And I was out there assembling a frame and stretching springs and canvas. I mean you. You were out there.
There is hope, though, especially in this Christmas season. You need only stride into your yard, and it is your yard, and remember your Ghost of Christmas Past. You stare down that swing set and dilapidated trampoline and proclaim, “Take heed, rise, and walk with me.”
If that doesn’t work, remember you can borrow a pickup truck. You can also take out your frustration with this year’s gifts.
The best part of laser tag was definitely making that kid cry.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) December 11, 2016
Choose poorly and this might happen. There are some other ghosts who can help you.
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
— cindy LIV who (@liv_thatsme) December 21, 2016
But what if he’s just trying to help guide you toward an even brighter future?
You meet a famous author in a cozy drawing room. I meet a crazy panhandler screaming outside 7-Eleven. It’s like we’re living parallel lives
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 18, 2016
Okay, so check this out, these dudes really can help.
My superpower is making people believe I am a normal, functioning, human being.
— Princess Buttercup (@GoldenSpirals) October 9, 2013
Look, you started it, but it’s time for the present or the future in your story, so I’ll go.
You have what you want. You can leave me alone, now.
— Kimtopher (@chelliet22) December 18, 2016
He’ll come to appreciate it, so I wouldn’t worry.
I’m sorry I offended you but in my defense I don’t remember how I did.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) December 20, 2016
I don’t know if the ghosts did that, but it should probably work.
My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he’s in all black & I’m telling her we worship the dark lord.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 19, 2016
You can also try portions from a certain character in a classic Christmas tale. Your choice.
Elf on the Shelf is more effective if you scream read 1984 to your kids every night.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) December 19, 2016
This strategy for the elf also has merit.
Kids, meet your new elf. Her name is Christy and she will cut you. pic.twitter.com/3CvYcAk9g6
— Rich Cromwell (@rcromwell4) December 21, 2016
Gradually bring you to enlightenment and giving away a goose? Wait, I’m not sure that story ended very well.
something old, something new, something borrowed, something shrouded in darkness, hovering just outside your peripheral vision, waiting to—
— sleigh-chelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 18, 2016
This isn’t very helpful and not at all in the Christmas spirit.
Put on this friendship bracelet, yes it’s supposed to hurt, no you can’t take it off, yes that’s your soul leaving, yes I’m glowing now
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) January 25, 2016
This, on the other hand, is super helpful.
*knits scarves for cats in between breakdance sessions*
— Santa B. Aby (@enigmaterics) October 19, 2014
It’s really the only way if Old Ebenezer is ever to learn.
*maintains eye contact while I push the envelope*
— ʆσ εffเпɠ-ԃเɠɠเƚყ (@WhaJoTalkinBout) December 18, 2016
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
— Ho Ho Meh! (@TheAlexNevil) December 12, 2016
Just blame your behavior on an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato.
“I really need a flask” I mutter to myself bitterly as I sip Jameson out of my daughters hello kitty thermos while waving to the neighbors.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) December 17, 2016
They’re trying to help you. Jeez.
It’s so cold I feel like I’m dying.
Quick! someone! let me in your arms…
So I can blame my dying on something you said.
— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) December 17, 2016
Sometimes the only path forward is the more difficult one. Just ask Casper or whatever his name is that keeps reminding us of our childhood.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
— ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s) (@3sunzzz) September 20, 2016
This guy gets the spirit of remembrance.
why don’t people catch old boots when they’re fishing anymore
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) December 16, 2016
But who can fault her spirit of preparedness?
I like being prepared so of course I’ve already made a playlist for my funeral.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) December 17, 2016
Same basic premise at play here with only a few diversions.
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
— mo (@chuuew) August 8, 2015
You now know the only option is to treat them with kindness, just not the killing variety.
moved the parlour davenport and was surprised to find a family of rabid muskrats holed up for the winter
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) December 17, 2016
I smell a reboot.
a great prank when coming out of a coma is to tell ppl you traveled to the future – if they don’t believe u disintegrate them with lasereyes
— SJ (@SuperJuanderer) December 9, 2016
Yeah, but hang on ‘cause these dudes are going to drop some knowledge on you.
Let’s be honest. I totally deserve it.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) December 10, 2016
But sometimes the tasks are of a supernatural nature and that’s cool.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
— Anna Maree ❄️️ (@rxysurfchic) December 17, 2016
Now presenting the Ghost of Christmas Festive!
Grandma: Please don’t name her Candy. People will think she’s a stripper.
Mom: [baptizing me in glitter] What?
— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) December 8, 2015
Sometimes you gotta tear a little bit down to build back up. Just ask our tour guides.
this jack hammer is so calming
— please stop me (@nancy_yogapants) December 13, 2016
They’re ghosts. They just slide through them. Wait, how do they not fall through the floor?
It’s really odd how they don’t sell “gift bags” that are “body bag” sized.
Seems like a good opportunity for someone out there.
— Sparky (@crunchenhanced) November 6, 2013
I think we know why that one ghost keeps hanging out around your place.
I get told I’m cute a lot for someone who dwells on death like nonstop.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 16, 2016
Sorry but this was fair. You were warned, after all.
*gets fired for signing my stylist notes with “fleece navidad”*
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) December 9, 2016
Leave Santa out of this.
“Look at that sexy man flying that R/C airplane,” said no woman ever
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) September 12, 2016
Have you considered he’s from the future and trying to warn you about a danger zone?
I’m confused as to why Kenny Loggins is such a prominent figure in all of my dreams.
— Some call me RZA (@jrza84) November 10, 2016
This isn’t K-Log. Don’t listen to him.
Not all who wander are lost. This here is wanderin’ Jim and he’s just a weirdo.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) December 18, 2016
To make lemonade, Kevin might be on his way to a new and bright future! Or maybe to a really dark one.
Apparently NSFW doesn’t always mean porn. Sometimes it means faulty equipment.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) December 17, 2016
Okay but you can’t kick a ghost.
Don’t toss that plastic jug in the trashcan, throw it in the karate room.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) December 11, 2016
Like “Y for art thou haunting me so harshly?”
im a writer. obviously I know what a noun is. person place or thing and sometimes y
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) December 21, 2016
That’s where they came from on Christmas Past.
If by “be (your) girlfriend” you mean “catch spiders and hide them in your pockets everyday” then yes, I’ll be your girlfriend.
— Baby Bionic Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) November 7, 2016
Send in the 10th life!
I’m worried my cat isn’t eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 2, 2015
Just like “A Christmas Carol.”
The Beach Boys
1963: Other parts of the beach are fun
1966: Consciousness transcensds time & space
1988: A list of beaches
— Vox Mulder (@Swag_Catholic) December 20, 2016
Hermit crabs are a good pet if you like tending a haunted sand box.
— V. (@Lovestained555) November 24, 2016
Regretting stuff is kinda my thing.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) December 20, 2016
Nobody bats 1,000.
Tori Amos is what happens when you try to teach a redhead about religion.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 18, 2016
Whatever cleverness you employ, make sure it’s deployed under a cloak of subterfuge.
Rap Battle Pro-Tip: befuddle your opponent by making subtle rhymes
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) November 19, 2016
Okay, we get it. We need a fire extinguisher. Stop being such a Debbie Downer.
There’s a fire at the dump, let’s go see
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) December 2, 2016
I don’t how many times I have to say this, but they’re trying to help.
Shut up, I’m not defensive, you are.
— Olive Batman (@offbeatoliv) December 8, 2016
Are you sure that’s a cat?
i drank 37 bottles of cough syrup this week. but it’s cool, my cat can talk now
— the war on bethmas (@bourgeoisalien) December 11, 2016
First, they break you down.
Oh, a partridge in a disparage tree. That makes more sense
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) December 14, 2016
Take heed, rise, etc.
A good man is hard to find. Especially if you dig a really deep hole.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) December 22, 2016
That’s the spirit!
Then again; maybe a trip to the woods during the full moon with my head full of incantations and my hands full of thorns will do.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) December 15, 2016
Then why are you here now?
Remember, I’m always here when I need you
— Sssssock Hollidaze (@sock_holliday) May 17, 2016
Christmas spirits usually do have a flair for the dramatic.
My exiting style is quite the spectacle, apparently.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 22, 2016
Somewhere there’s a chandelier and an old piano, taunting you because your parents’ generation saved everything, literally. That means it’s not just the trampoline and swing set to contend with, but a bunch of other things too.
Slowly music begins to swell in the background as another spectral creature enters the fray. As your ears perk up, you realize it’s neither “God Bless Us Everyone” nor “Music of the Night.” In this update, it’s the theme song to “Sanford and Son.” The ghost speaks. Her first words are, “You big dummy.”
him: u look like phantom of the opera but with ovaries & condescending humor
me: omg stop that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) November 2, 2016