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Campus Terrorists Demand A Steady Supply Of Gluten-Free Meals

Pro-Palestinian signs line a college campus amid protests at universities nationwide.
Image CreditPBS News Hour / Youtube 

‘I mean it’s crazy to say because we’re on an Ivy League campus but this is, like, basic humanitarian aid we’re asking for.’

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Do you remember reading about George Washington demanding sandwiches from King George for his starving Continental Army at Valley Forge? No? The average committed revolutionary doesn’t often ask for a free lunch from the enemy, particularly when that revolutionary is taking over the enemy’s property. 

While the campus brats holding a national temper tantrum on behalf of terrorists should be committed (to a mental institution), George Washington they are not. After all, their cries for “freedom” are for a “resistance” movement whose rallying cry is actual genocide of a people. 

The privileged protesters creating chaos at the nation’s esteemed institutions of higher education like to think of themselves as revolutionaries. They are, to the degree that the young, indoctrinated Bolsheviks were useful idiots to Trotsky, Lenin, and Joseph Stalin in the communist revolution of 2017. Then again, had Trotsky asked for a hot meal and a bottle of Evian from Tsar Nicholas while tearing down the Russian empire, he probably would have gotten an ice pick to the back of the head sooner.  

While today’s campout demonstrators’ demands include the usual pro-Hamas slogans — “divest, disclose, boycott, demilitarize and denounce” — the “from the river to the sea” chanters also want vegan cuisine. 

‘It’s Crazy to Say’

Johannah King-Slutzky, a graduate student in English and comparative literature at Columbia University, recently demanded that her university’s administration provide the campus terrorists “basic humanitarian aid.” 

“Do you want students to die of dehydration and starvation or get severely ill even if they disagree with you? If the answer is no, then you should allow — I mean it’s crazy to say because we’re on an Ivy League campus, but this is, like, basic humanitarian aid we’re asking for. Like, could people please have a glass of water,” King-Slutzky said when asked why Columbia administrators should feed people who have taken over the university’s buildings.

Perhaps a more detailed answer could be found in the graduate student’s stirring dissertation on “fantasies of limitless energy in the transatlantic Romantic imagination from 1760-1860.” Her goal, according to her Columbia bio, is “to write a prehistory of metabolic rift, Marx’s term for the disruption of energy circuits caused by industrialization under capitalism.” 

“I am particularly interested in theories of the imagination and poetry as interpreted through a Marxian lens in order to update and propose an alternative to historicist ideological critiques of the Romantic imagination. Prior to joining Columbia, I worked as a political strategist for leftist and progressive causes and remain active in the higher education labor movement.”

Indeed. 

Gluten-free Revolution

According to a Google Document obtained by Fox News, UCLA’s band of socialist justice warriors at the Palestine Solidarity Encampment asked their supporters to deliver: 

  • Vegan and gluten-free food
  • “Super bright” flashlights with strobe
  • Rope and zip ties 
  • Helmets, shields, and wood
  • Lotion, but absolutely “NO sunscreen”
  • Knee and elbow pads 

I presume the “super bright” flashlights are for telling really scary ghost stories, like the one where a crazed Islamic terrorist group stormed into portions of Israel and raped, tortured, murdered, mutilated, and burned the bodies of more than 1,000 Jews while taking hundreds hostage. The strobe light, of course, is for the killer rave the unhappy campers are scheduling between vandalizing school property and attacking Jewish students. Revolutions are hard. 

They say it never rains in California, but, man, it pours. That’s why the campus terrorists need umbrellas and rain ponchos, also on the “Urgent” list of camp needs. Nothing ruins a revolution like a pair of soggy HeyDudes.

Medical supplies requested include EpiPens and non-steroid inhalers. Viva la resistance! and the asthmatics in the movement. As noted, please, for the love of Ala, no bananas. Food allergies and apartheid, the bane of fictional Palestine. 

The document was posted last week by the Students for Justice in Palestine at UCLA, according to Fox News. “We will not leave. We will remain here until our demands are met,” the group said in a statement. 

Fox News said organizers told donors to provide items “that comply with the Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions (BDS) movement, which promotes boycotts, divestment and economic sanctions against Israel.

That was all quite enough for the far-left university. After squatters demanded they would not leave until their ludicrous demands were met, police rolled in to Camp Palestine, pushed out protesters and their tents, and arrested more than 200 people. 

‘Immunocompromised’

At Princeton, alma mater of James Madison (a real freedom fighter), protesters on a hunger strike for Gaza essentially demanded the university feed them. 

“This is absolutely unfair. My peers and I, we are absolutely starving. We are physically exhausted. I am quite literally shaking right now, as you can see,” whined a self-important, masked protester earlier this week. 

The hunger strikers were “both cold and hot at the same time,” and “immunocompromised.” Just like Gandhi. But they proclaimed that they would bravely soldier on until Princeton administrators caved to their sweeping foreign policy demands that Princeton administrators have absolutely no control over. 

Just like Washington, who longed for Mount Vernon but dutifully remained in the field, this courageous member of the resistance would carry on — without cake or balloons. 

“I feel like I’m not doing anything special. This is my choice and I would not spend my birthday doing anything other than being here standing in solidarity with you all and standing in solidarity with our siblings and the innocent people in Gaza,” the masked warrior declared to cheers and affirming bucket drums. 

Camp Hamas

If these Students for Genocide really want to step up their freedom-fighting game, U.S. Rep. Andy Ogles, R-Tenn., is happy to oblige. Ogles and some Republican colleagues introduced a bill on Wednesday that would send those convicted of illegal activities on college campuses to Gaza for at least six months. 

“Students have abandoned their classes to harass other students and disrupt campus-wide activities, including university commencement ceremonies nationwide. Enough is enough,” Ogles told Fox News Digital.

I’m sure Hamas will welcome them with open arms — and vegan and gluten-free meals. 


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