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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 79

For your Christmas card, instead of capturing that one perfect moment when no one is crying, just go for it. Let the shriek flag fly.

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I love Christmas cards. They’re kind of like commercials for erectile dysfunction, but more family-friendly. They’re picturesque, naturally, despite the fact that they depict situations that exist nowhere in the natural world. Not that chilling in a bathtub with no apparent water supply isn’t cool and all, but it’s about as realistic as children laughing and smiling in serene joy instead of shrieking and attempting to destroy one another because the wind blew a leaf near one of them.

No, the Christmas card, much like those commercials, pretends we all relax in coordinated outfits, that Pottery Barn couches just lay waiting in fields, and that life is a photogenic journey from one season to the next. The reality, on the other hand, is that one kid just knocked another over, everybody is stressed, and tears are imminent.

So instead of capturing that one perfect moment when no one is crying, just go for it. Let the shriek flag fly. If you do, people will know you’re keeping it real and also be more inclined to give you what you really want for Christmas: booze.


I’ve got two words for you: product placement.


She’s got the right attitude about the whole season.


Does this include Christmas newsletters?


“I found this theme park that’s nothing but empty bathtubs on a beach during low tide.”


It’s the holiday season. Put a really big bow on the car, too.


Throw on a Santa hat to expedite the process.


Baby, it’s cold outside.


Anyway, Merry Christmas.


The only retreat is a hasty one.


‘Tis the season.


Getting festive like a boss.


Holiday parties, meals, and other gatherings in a nutshell. Don’t forget to mention that couch they found in a field.


It’s not always about the gift that keeps on giving.


It’s just the time of year and perhaps they’re trying to snap a picture.


Here, have a mimosa.


But have you heard of gift bags?


Those traveling can relate to this.


The unofficial slogan of Christmas cards.


It’s implied.


An honest card.


Some Christmas wishes will never come true.


*Vince Guaraldi plays in the background*


But it’s all I wanted and I got it!


Points for honesty.


They also don’t get anything from souvenir shops, even expansive Christmas ones.


This is doubly true for holiday leftovers.


It is a magical time of year. Your dreams can come true.


The most wonderful time of the year.


Hopefully it wasn’t advice on gifts.


That’s my favorite part, too.


Yeah, but you didn’t have a Hatchimal.


Guess who didn’t get that chemistry set she really wanted.


Why would you celebrate disappoint during this time of year?


It’s called the kiddie table.


He knows.


Especially this time of year.


Upcycled gift for the win.


Not what I’d serve, but okay.


We can Photoshop that out.


Something tells me he isn’t going to be excited about the Rubik’s Cube I got him.


Because it’s festive. Next question.


Soon, the new year will overtake us and we’ll be out of card season, at least for a minute. The world will settle down into cold and semi-hibernation as we wind up for the next season of photography. There will truly be peace.
Mostly. Except for that one person we forgot to send a card to, even though she didn’t send a card to us. Maybe because she doesn’t have our address, but whatever. Thankfully, we have other ways of taunting such folks with perfection, like Facebook. Trust me, however we go about it, they’ll appreciate it, like finding a couch in a field.