What if I told you that aliens were living and working among us, and all you needed to do to become aware of their presence was to put on some special sunglasses?
Naturally, you’d start a fistfight with me, one lasting approximately 17 minutes. Then, you’d put on the sunglasses and become aware. Afterward, we’d make up, get into some adventures, and save humanity. At least one of us would rock a sweet mullet to go with our eyewear.
And what if I told you that you’re being paranoid and I was really just describing the plot to the classic 1988 film “They Live”? Would you still put on those BluBlockers and challenge me to an extremely protracted and bloody fistfight? Damn straight, because fashion matters and those sunglasses are exceedingly ugly. The truth is out there, but that doesn’t mean you can’t look good while you’re pursuing it.
Capture a memory in a snowglobe and smash it in an oncoming windshield
and run.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) November 29, 2016
No, you were right and they were wrong.
I like to break the ice on first dates by showing him a copy of the case study I was the subject of in the Abnormal Psychology course book
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) October 25, 2016
Excuses like “they blocked out the blue rays” or “I was just looking for aliens.”
You're only young once.
After that, you'll need
better excuses.— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) November 10, 2016
You’re welcome.
At least have the courtesy of making your self-delusion interesting.
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) November 26, 2016
*Puts on special glasses*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) April 30, 2016
When your fight intrudes on the illusion of normal life but you’re really just battling alien invaders.
*wipes bloody hands on apron
Oh, you're looking for the girl next door. Mind the dog…
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) November 27, 2016
“Don’t mind those and, please, take stop pretending you’re Corey Hart.”
I've upgraded my skeletons to a walk-in wardrobe; the closet was getting a bit cramped.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) November 24, 2016
But wait, there’s more! Aliens that are really good at marketing for one.
"Is this all there is?", I ask, surrounded by everything.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 25, 2016
Dammit, now I have to start a fistfight with you.
Me: Why have I never heard of you before?
You: I don't know. Maybe you haven't been paying attention.
Me: That's quite possible.
— Burgess & Basil (@praisecheese) November 23, 2016
You know what else they sold at this hardware store?
"SHOW US YOUR JUNK" proved to be a disastrous sign for the 2nd hand store trying to stock its shelves by buying stuff from the community
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) November 22, 2016
Never underestimate our opponent, particularly if they’re motivated.
Got into a fist fight with a sloth yesterday. Those dagger claws are no joke.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) November 23, 2016
Okay, fine, but do they know the truth is out there?
It's fine. I'll hang out with my other cool friends. Like my toaster and my bath tub
— MegaTrashcan (@WaluigiLover) November 24, 2016
She’s wearing her BluBlockers. Don’t test her.
A temper is a terrible thing to waste.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) November 24, 2016
What did you say? Now put on the glasses.
[Hospital]
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
— Grinch Sock (@handsock_butts) September 25, 2016
I’ve got a script I need you to look at.
MISSED CONNECTION: I was buying Aqua Net for my mullet, you were shoplifting White Diamonds in a Tweety Bird jean jacket. Call me
— Bownuggets (@Bownuggets) February 14, 2014
It’s like you’re not even listening.
If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) October 1, 2016
I can help you solve this mystery.
At least one person in this elevator has committed murder and I have five more floors to figure out who.
— Julia Gulia (@JRobb773) October 18, 2016
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give it a shot.
Looks like we won't be able to jazzercise our way out of this mess.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) November 15, 2016
As long as you know how to throw a punch.
CHECKMATE! I say to my defeated mortal enemy without him even realizing I don't know how to play chess
— BöbWheelieKingJänke (@Bob_Janke) November 17, 2016
You just had to wear your special lenses.
it used to be called "better houses and gardens" until i started showing up
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) November 17, 2016
No, I think we need to duke it out.
Just sprinkle the garlic salt in my pants and grab that banjo. Don't make this weird.
— Creed (@novicefather) January 30, 2016
The hero we need.
Spider Man, Spider Man
Chillin' in his camper van
Kickin' back, drinkin' booze
head to toe in sweet tattoos
Hang on
That is not Spider Man— Tom Darby (@magicChopstick) November 21, 2016
We’re chilling in a camper van, lay off.
Be the author of your own unhappiness.
— call me liv (@liv_thatsme) November 25, 2016
Not even drinking booze in a sweet camper van?
I'm literally down for nothing.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) November 24, 2016
Don’t trust them. They likely wouldn’t withstand the scrutiny of your BluBlockers.
A group of cyclists hurt my feelings by flying by me while I was jogging.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 11, 2016
He’s definitely one of them.
Listen Diane, your husband might send you flowers but he also wears cycle shorts on the reg. They cancel each other out ok
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) November 17, 2016
Listen, don’t trust this guy. He’ll never give you special sunglasses.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH'S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
— infinity plus one (@stuckinaportal) November 13, 2016
But first make sure he isn’t one of them.
Freak out your drive-thru cashier by pulling up to the window and saying "You're way sexier than I imagined you on the speaker."
— Candy Cane Shank (@sixfootcandy) November 18, 2016
No, no, no. We’ve got a job for you. Things are not going well. This situation calls for something futile.
I'm useless when things are going well.
Yes, okay, fine. MORE useless.
— Kimtopher (@chelliet22) November 27, 2016
Perfect.
Feisty? Nah. Just my over developed sense of vengeance
— Monica (@MBittersweet25) May 25, 2015
Yes. Always keep them guessing.
me [trips over nothing] Fucking ninjas
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 30, 2016
Always. Keep. Them. Guessing.
I prefer to luge dive down a stairwell before storming out of a room, so witnesses can experience the awesomeness they'll soon be without.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) November 16, 2016
And always plan for retribution.
If someone plays "Hotel California" at my funeral I'll rise from my coffin and kill everyone I see.
— Lamo Joe (@1Bad_Scientist) July 7, 2015
But also look to the future.
I only buy pajama bottoms with pockets big enough to store waffles in them.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) November 26, 2016
It’s important to accept things as they are, especially once you’ve donned the glasses.
i like to scream the entire duration of horror movies in the theater so i'm not caught off guard
— herbie (@obviouslyherbie) May 27, 2015
And if it doesn’t, they’re an alien.
If someone asks if you've been crying just say, "why… do you want to watch?" and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 23, 2016
How’s your resistance to iocane powder?
This coffee could use a little more venom.
— Mrs. Dick Helicopter (@Hormonella) October 3, 2016
This is just what one of them would say.
You’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe I didn’t make a terrible soup. Maybe I made a luxurious nutrient bath instead.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 24, 2016
Regardless, leave a record.
Me: *undressing* how should I pose
*puts one leg on chair* like this?
Painter: actually this is just like a regular, non-naked portrait
— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) April 10, 2016
And make sure you have an accomplice, for plausible deniability.
I just want someone to be in cahoots with. It sounds kinda dirty.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) November 30, 2016
Dance like no one is watching. Unless they are and you have to cut them.
Someone hold my glow sticks, that bitch stole my dance moves
— B (@anerdonfire2) November 2, 2016
As we head into unknown and frightening territory, embrace it.
you scare me and i like it don't stop.
— The Getaway Girl (@The_GetawayGirl) November 22, 2016
The beginning is the end is the beginning.
All of my stories begin and end in the same manner.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 20, 2016
Or sometimes just the end.
Though no explanation was ever given, a madness had clearly spread over the county the year I was crowned queen of the Artichoke Festival.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) November 13, 2016
This is mildly concerning, though less concerning than an artichoke festival.
a jazz flute howls out of vaped mist
as Chris Cornell brings a gravity boat-
He waters three melancholic avocado plants
while potatoes watch— Al Dente (@six_2_and_even) April 22, 2016
They know that the element of surprise matters. Oh, they know.
You say "Potato" and I say, "Well that came out of nowhere".
— Dr. Meh (@TheAlexNevil) November 14, 2013
We’re close.
"Are we there yet?"
-Me (awaiting the Apocalypse)
— Bmad (@1_swarthy_dude) November 22, 2016
Magical sunglasses. You want magical sunglasses.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) September 3, 2014
Though we be surrounded, there is hope. We can traverse this territory, safe in the knowledge that we are adept at navigating our surroundings. We push our sunglasses up from the bridge of our noses and nod our heads. This world is ours. We may be bounding across uncharted territory, but we blend in, observe, plot, scheme, throw a few punches when people disagree with our approach.
When I say, "to each, their own," I just mean your way is pretty dumb can we stop talking about it
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) November 30, 2016
