Back when the world was still ruled by dark magic, the ancients practiced a mystic blend of science and philosophy known as alchemy. Through it, they aimed to purify objects, achieve immortality, and transform various metals into gold (which they planned to sell for cash).
The alchemists never succeeded in their stated goals, although they did manage to give birth to a new species of singing factory workers known as the Oompa Loompas. The Loompas, while not quite the transcendent otherworldly beings the alchemists were trying for, were tremendously successful at making chocolate and other candies. Unfortunately for them, they weren’t very good at understanding basic economics, so they did so without asking for any money.
But they did so with hearts of gold and, in the process, they helped trick a bunch of kids into making some really bad decisions. And that’s not nothing. In fact, it may even be a success.
The exhilaration of bringing out the worst in someone.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) November 7, 2016
That Wonka fellow used to say this all the time.
[into the abyss]
no you hang up first
— Baby Swayze (@buhsbaby_baby) November 14, 2016
When your lab partner messes up his immortality potion but you want to make him feel better.
No that’s not true, you’re very attractive when you’re frothing at the mouth
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) November 11, 2016
Another way to achieve immortality.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) June 21, 2012
You should know the answer to this now.
Is there a patron saint of lost causes? This is important.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) August 25, 2015
I’m listening.
[thinks up terrible plan]
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 13, 2016
Read the fine print.
Funny how sucker punch sounds so thirst quenching but it’s not.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) June 24, 2016
Just divine me another one, okay.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) November 14, 2016
First incantation is for the second shoe.
When a wizard challenges you to a dare, take your meds. Then take him up on it.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) November 13, 2016
Preparedness is next to godliness.
He arrived with a shotgun, handgun, pepper spray and handcuffs, and was the best first date I’ve ever had.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) November 6, 2016
Look, there will always be another. You’re not getting out of this.
Sorry I can’t shake this malaise right now. I’ll try to be more positive next apocalypse.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) November 11, 2016
Shhh! This is how alchemy works.
I don’t have the right to complain about anything. I’m still gonna, though.
— call me liv (@liv_thatsme) November 16, 2016
Needed more potions.
I did NOT gain any powers from the supermoon. I stood naked on my front lawn for no reason. 0 Stars: The rating the RCMP gave my naked body.
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) November 16, 2016
The glowed elegantly beneath the supermoon.
You insult me outrageously and I’m so shocked I belittle your Formica countertops, which was unfair of me. They seem to be holding up well.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 14, 2016
But you had to curse them.
[first date]
What size coffin do you wear— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) November 12, 2016
She’s dedicated to dark magic and transmogrification.
For someone who is chronically apathetic I have a strong obsession with decorative throw pillows and quilts.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) November 15, 2016
Transmogrified in the worst way possible.
A duck is just a floating kazoo.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 15, 2016
Reborn and ready to face the day!
start your day off right by rolling out of your coffin
— Soyourelikethat® (@soyourelikethat) November 15, 2016
And trod wherever is necessary.
I’m in the market for an orthopedic loafer that says I’m young, sexy and fun
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 17, 2016
Dance.
Trip the light fantastic. Hit the floor. Cut a rug. Murder your dance instructor.
— She’sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) October 19, 2016
And improve yourself.
If you’re going to better yourself, could you do it a little further away from me, please?
— Cam (@GinAndJif) November 11, 2016
You’re enigmatic, after all.
75% of people who claim they’re ‘complicated’ are just annoying
— kanye’s bhole (@bossy_bootz) November 3, 2016
And a good friend.
You’re a horrible influence. Thank you.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) November 11, 2016
Ready for whatever awaits.
tall people get to dangle their feet off both sides of their bed, doubling their chances of being dragged to the underworld. Lucky
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) November 13, 2016
The scientist pulling you tight, keeping you prepared.
Come here, little one. I’ll make it up to you.
— Queen of Cool (@queenof_cool) November 13, 2016
But turning the mirror back on you.
Being this much of a mess is not as easy as it looks.
— Mermaid (@Jazzzzzmina) November 12, 2016
Reminding you that you once dreamed of transfiguring metals into preciousness.
I miss the simple times when all I had to worry about was feathering my hair, and getting a gig as a Solid Gold dancer.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) June 20, 2016
And that home is where the heart is.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) March 12, 2016
Even as you plot and scheme.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
— Robert Manchild (@RobertManchild) December 5, 2015
You are good, you are kind, you are liked.
I like 2 out of 5 of your personalities.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) April 27, 2014
You are not thwarted by Captcha.
“Elegant modification of your dreams.”, whispers the robot.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) November 7, 2016
A bit tortured.
Small world, I keep running into the demon I summoned.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) November 12, 2016
Yet you persevere.
Try not to disengage.
— Clever Clogs (@1CleverClogs) November 10, 2016
Keeping it real.
Getting drunk and acting like a complete asshole is kinda my thing it can’t also be yours
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) November 14, 2016
Keeping the struggle alive.
We actually go to the bathroom together to debate v important feminist issues impacting society plz buy me a drink before I get back tho thx
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 11, 2016
Strategizing.
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you catch the most with ether.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) September 10, 2016
Enjoying real talk.
When she’s holding a knife to your throat it’s clear she feels relaxed enough to share her true feelings…
— SHMAGIC (@Rainbow__Tiger) November 15, 2016
You might want to get a better appraisal. I’m hard on these things.
It’s like you don’t even care how tempted I already am to sell your organs.
— Lex Loser (@valkyllrie) November 16, 2016
For example, I was invited to this dinner.
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead I’d pick the dead guy. Then I’d order two dinners and eat both. Fuck that guy. He’s dead
— beth loves cake, so (@bourgeoisalien) August 31, 2016
But I wasn’t served.
I usually use my qwerty board to summon trolls and other evil beings.
— Olive Batman (@offbeatoliv) November 3, 2016
I was just scorned.
Sorry I rued your day.
— krismuscake (@krismuscookie) November 4, 2016
But there is always revenge.
Welp, guess it’s time to activate my old satanic society, u in?
— Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) November 11, 2016
Alas, you are bound by a code of silence.
Did I graduate from mime school? I can’t say
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) June 20, 2016
Nonetheless, you forge ahead.
Don’t rush me. I’m making mistakes as fast as I can
— Just Cassidy…. (@Jamesonroxx8) July 26, 2015
Staying focused on the prize.
pretty crazy how time flies and we’ll all be dead before we know it
— claudia turner (@cloudypianos) November 4, 2016
Speaking clearly.
In relationships, I like to keep the mystery alive by never knowing what the hell I’m talking about
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) December 26, 2015
Fueling up like a champion.
Pancakes? Oh you mean breakfast frisbees? Sure I love them.
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) November 14, 2016
Spreading truth far and wide.
There you go again, pretending to love literally anyone else in the world but me.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) November 6, 2016
Putting your best foot forward.
Make a great first impression by wiping the blood off your hands just before shaking theirs.
— Definitely not me (@WhoToldYou2) November 12, 2016
Being clear AF.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) October 28, 2016
Leaping into the future.
You say fall into obscurity like it’s a bad thing.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) October 27, 2016
And embracing the unknown.
I CANT HEAR YOU
I’M BEING DEMOLECULARIZED— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) November 13, 2016
The old souls gathered about the cauldron and spoke, whispering and soothsaying, offering chants and incantations as they sought to spin new gold and reimagine immortality. They fawned, they stared. Then the cauldron stared back, before offering up a song. The alchemists, and their spawn, smiled.
him: you’re the best
me: your brutal honesty is refreshing tell me more— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) November 17, 2016
