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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 76

Sing me the songs of dark magic, oh weird Twitter.

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Back when the world was still ruled by dark magic, the ancients practiced a mystic blend of science and philosophy known as alchemy. Through it, they aimed to purify objects, achieve immortality, and transform various metals into gold (which they planned to sell for cash).

The alchemists never succeeded in their stated goals, although they did manage to give birth to a new species of singing factory workers known as the Oompa Loompas. The Loompas, while not quite the transcendent otherworldly beings the alchemists were trying for, were tremendously successful at making chocolate and other candies. Unfortunately for them, they weren’t very good at understanding basic economics, so they did so without asking for any money.

But they did so with hearts of gold and, in the process, they helped trick a bunch of kids into making some really bad decisions. And that’s not nothing. In fact, it may even be a success.


That Wonka fellow used to say this all the time.


When your lab partner messes up his immortality potion but you want to make him feel better.


Another way to achieve immortality.


You should know the answer to this now.


I’m listening.


Read the fine print.


Just divine me another one, okay.


First incantation is for the second shoe.


Preparedness is next to godliness.


Look, there will always be another. You’re not getting out of this.


Shhh! This is how alchemy works.


Needed more potions.


The glowed elegantly beneath the supermoon.


But you had to curse them.


She’s dedicated to dark magic and transmogrification.


Transmogrified in the worst way possible.


Reborn and ready to face the day!


And trod wherever is necessary.


Dance.


And improve yourself.


You’re enigmatic, after all.


And a good friend.


Ready for whatever awaits.


The scientist pulling you tight, keeping you prepared.


But turning the mirror back on you.


Reminding you that you once dreamed of transfiguring metals into preciousness.


And that home is where the heart is.


Even as you plot and scheme.


You are good, you are kind, you are liked.


You are not thwarted by Captcha.


A bit tortured.


Yet you persevere.


Keeping it real.


Keeping the struggle alive.


Strategizing.


Enjoying real talk.


You might want to get a better appraisal. I’m hard on these things.


For example, I was invited to this dinner.


But I wasn’t served.


I was just scorned.


But there is always revenge.


Alas, you are bound by a code of silence.


Nonetheless, you forge ahead.


Staying focused on the prize.


Speaking clearly.


Fueling up like a champion.


Spreading truth far and wide.


Putting your best foot forward.


Being clear AF.


Leaping into the future.


And embracing the unknown.


The old souls gathered about the cauldron and spoke, whispering and soothsaying, offering chants and incantations as they sought to spin new gold and reimagine immortality. They fawned, they stared. Then the cauldron stared back, before offering up a song. The alchemists, and their spawn, smiled.