In the Book of Revelation, there’s a passage about the Metallica song, “The Four Horsemen.” In that passage, when discussing the fourth horseman, the angel reveals: “And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see. And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.”
That’s not what happened this week. Nevertheless, with many signs and wonders and much rage, a plethora of doomsday prophets has emerged to remind us that our global quest for greatness will only be realized by finding and capturing Bigfoot and coronating him as our king. Or maybe the Heaven’s Gate people were right after all—their website is still active, if not being updated. Maybe the key is to leave the planet and hop aboard a comet, one in which gentle sasquatches guide us toward a new, and better, life.
In case I’m wrong, though, there’s always this option.
Don't just watch it burn, be the one to light it on fire.
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᔕKITTᒪEᔕ (@SwirlySkittles) November 6, 2016
Maybe she should try a megaphone.
Amazing that the townspeople didn't like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
— Jess (@jessokfine) November 10, 2016
Does it involve intergalactic travel? If so, we should probably combine forces.
Get your own Bigfoot scam this one is mine
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) November 10, 2016
Like exploded in zero gravity closed?
Live your life like you're planning on having a closed casket funeral.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) November 10, 2016
Please, just take my informational pamphlet first. I had a lot of these things printed up.
*Gets in the white van. No luring needed.
— 'Tis Penny Lane (@yesitspennylane) November 2, 2016
We didn’t fully account for how the earth’s rotation would affect things.
Plans, what plans? Just a beautiful and bizarre detour.
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) November 8, 2016
You’re wrong and I’m going to prove it.
Man cannot survive without an enemy.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) November 9, 2016
This is why Bigfoot doesn’t have an Instagram account.
If you post a photo of yourself holding something, I will forever search for your thumb in the hand of every stranger until I find you.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) June 10, 2016
Fine, we’ll swing by and pick you up.
i have had enough and i am going to the mountains
— [terrified moaning] (@warmyellowlight) November 9, 2016
This is how you determine if someone gets to sit on an exit row.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you'll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 14, 2016
You need to listen to this presentation from Bigfoot. I think you’re going to like what he has to tell you.
Dale at home depot recognizes me now. soon as he sees my hooded cloak he's all SIR YOU'VE BEEN TOLD.. WE DO NOT SELL ANCIENT BOG OAK
— Ceej (@ceejoyner) November 8, 2016
But how will it work on a giant chunk of rock hurtling through outer space?
Every outfit should be versatile. Like mine. Great for both an unexpected brunch invite or being the victim of a late night alley stabbing.
— Agatha Crispie (@agathagotstoned) November 2, 2016
Sorry, but our pamphlet clearly states this is the least severe response to black licorice.
Him: stop being dramatic!
Me: *continues burning sage around his package of black licorice*
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) November 7, 2016
What do you mean you’re playing fourth horseman, baby?
I stomped around in the leaves today and pretended they were pieces of your skull.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) November 7, 2016
Fun fact: the Loch Ness Monster, who is also chilling with us, unhinges her jaws when she eats. She’s going to beat your record. Sorry.
"How many Little Debbie Zebra Cakes can you eat in 2 minutes? My record is 7." – Me, flirting.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) November 7, 2016
Other than Dorothy in the wizard of Oz, I don't trust anyone who uses the term 'oh my'.
— Dollface Me (@dollfaceiam) November 8, 2016
Don’t worry. We’re big on demanding satisfaction in space.
Well, good sir, if you tip your hat to me, I shall indeed doff my cap in return. Tis a duel now. We shall hat tip and cap doff to the death.
— Tups (@Tups13) November 8, 2016
Eternal peace awaits you on the asteroid, dog-like creature.
Wyley coyote awakes in the hospital again, limbs shattered, organs punctured…why can't I just die he weeps quietly
— GogglePossum (@gogglepossum) August 7, 2015
Wait, wait, wait. First have some Kool Aid.
*adorably scoots closer*
"I'm really cold…"
*stabs him to death in a super cute, little way*
— Tater Tot (@darkmatter_wimp) August 26, 2016
Quick, tell her about our platform while she can’t talk.
*runs into dental hygienist in store*
Me: How are you?
Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth*
Me: Not so easy huh
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) November 7, 2016
Where we’re going, you will be able to achieve this goal.
[Watching as the Sun slowly dips below the horizon] ..AND DON'T COME BACK!
— Piece (@Piecezilla) November 7, 2016
Maybe try to recruit one or two of them.
Cut the ties that bind you and leave a room of bewildered businessmen behind.
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪEᖴIᑎITEᒪY (@WhoToldYou2) November 10, 2016
What if I told you there were another option, one that involves much more hurtling through the void?
I wrote a poem about how your body will atrophy and decay in the ground because that's how I show I care.
— z (@ohheyitszara) October 15, 2016
Don’t worry, she’s used to it.
"I love you," I screamed into the night sky.
"Who are you?" Replied the terrified lady that I think is the night sky.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) December 30, 2015
Just don’t squeeze out the extra air. We may need it.
You look like the type that would steal the clean Tupperware from the employee lunch room.
I like that.
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) November 7, 2016
It is rather terrifyingly gratifying when it howls back, “Let me tell you about our cosmic savior.”
You'll never really know if it's an echo room if you don't ask.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) November 6, 2016
That might be because we knocked you out when you started hogging the megaphone.
I came, I saw, I conquered, I forgot how I got here
— J.Quintana (@loudmouth_usa) November 6, 2016
Excellent. We’re going to need skills such as these where we’re going. Probably.
If you furnish the keg and sleeping tarp, I can have those renovations completed in a week. I'll also need some crackers.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 7, 2016
Have you been paying even a little bit of attention?
You love me *just* to the moon and back? There's a whole universe out there.
— Mrs. X (@LnL245) October 30, 2016
But of course. Now intrigue some people into visiting our website.
I'm not complicated. I'm intriguing.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) November 10, 2016
So, hear me out, there’s this movie that combines what I’m laying down with what you’re laying down. It’s about a tornado or something.
Watch “Jaws” with me. Count the times I grab you by the sleeve and squeal “this is my FAVORITE part.” This may not be fun for you.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 9, 2016
Our program could allow you to unlock your potential with way less study and expense.
[at med school interview]
Him: What drives you most in pursuing medicine as a career?
Me: I just really wanna play with corpses.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 6, 2016
Replace “handbasket” with “giant chunk of frozen mineral” and I’m sold.
If taking a trip to Hell in a hand basket doesn't sound like a vacation, are you even a parent?
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) November 5, 2016
We need motivated self-starters such as yourself. Please join us in a few chants so you can learn more.
I was born ready. People would look at me as a baby and say "That baby looks ready. Capable. An unusual level of readiness in that baby".
— Justin (@ThePocketJustin) November 10, 2016
The joke’s on you, buddy, because that’s exactly what we’re after.
Fun prank: rig someone's grappling hook to play Steve Winwood's Higher Love whenever its fired into the air
— Fury Pesto (@RocketRankoon) August 5, 2016
A higher love?
I said that with love, you stupid piece of shit.
— Krispy Taco Belle (@P0tterhead_394) November 2, 2016
In our new, more perfect society, they will be executed.
A group of cyclists hurt my feelings by flying by me while I was jogging.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 11, 2016
We’re going to need examples.
I want to commit a shitload of crime just to be able to use my array of airtight alibis.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) November 3, 2016
Excellent. Please step into this information booth.
I can take a hint but only A Clockwork Orange style
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) September 11, 2016
Look, man, this is cool, but we’re not going to be able to accept your membership application.
Folks ask why I have a therapy goose if all it does is shit everywhere & attack people but the answer is simple: that's what makes me happy
— Frigged up Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) July 8, 2016
I’d really rather not.
O sons & daughters of blessed Brittania: speak to me of the greatest cheese toasties of your memories
— bethany raccoon (@bethanyraccoon) October 28, 2016
cashier: *doesn’t ask if i found everything okay*
me: are you mad at me?
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 3, 2016
It’s part of our orientation process.
Not a day goes by that I don't want to draw a dick on my husband's face while he sleeps.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 10, 2016
Bigfoot warned us about you.
Time to tell the truth. I am in fact three 11-yo badgers in a burberry coat. Prepare for the inevitable.
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) November 10, 2016
We can help you.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
— The Cre Master (@Jmboyd58) October 2, 2016
As we depart, wide eyed and in amazement, reality begins to set in. Perhaps we’re setting sail on a grand adventure through time and space or perhaps we’re trapped on a giant rock with a loquacious wood ape armed with a shit-ton of pamphlets, a ravenous aquatic creature, and a bunch of really gullible people.
That’s when we stare into the void, which is easy because we’re rocketing across a great vast nothing, and whisper sweet nothings. Of course, the abyss stares back, smiles sweetly, and maybe asks for some flowers.
Him: you're terrifying
Me: awww you're just saying that
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) August 24, 2016