Here we are, sitting in a crucible. On Sunday, we shall decide. Do we accept our overlords, or do we reject them? Do we embrace agrarian myths, or do we do battle against lies concerning lamp oil?
Most of us will go with the latter, for it affords us an extra hour of sleep. But in our more introspective moments, we’ll remember our Cummings, for he told us, “Yours is the light by which my spirit’s born: – you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”
The sun, the moon, and the stars are magical, but they need power. So we curl our lips and grin. It’s what we do.
My smile is the most threatening thing about me
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) November 2, 2016
We also claim our piece of history.
Send me $10 and I'll name a blade of grass in my yard after you.
— Big Troublemaker (@hatehug) October 12, 2016
And we’ll never forget it. Probably.
You say fall into obscurity like it's a bad thing.
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) October 27, 2016
The future is waiting on us, though.
Life advice: I have none.
Terrified internal screaming, though? I have plenty of that.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) November 2, 2016
We may have to grab it by the balls.
Get out of my dreams. Get into my car. Put these tights over your head. Don't ask questions.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) October 29, 2016
Not all our plans are golden, Ponyboy.
*releasing my rescue into the forest*
Girlfriend: you know this isn't his natural ecosystem
*my shark flops around for a minute and dies*
— Le Scare Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) October 27, 2016
Probably. It’s pretty impressive.
This girl at the bar is smiling and pointing me out to her friends I bet she likes my coin purse.
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) October 29, 2016
If anyone questions, we’ve got a fall guy.
Don't like me? Take it up with my assistant.
*points to rubber ducky wearing necktie*
— Shitrock Buffalo (@DrunksWithGuns) November 2, 2016
We’ve also got a plan.
All I want is a Family Matters spin-off about Eddie's kids leading a resistance against Overlord Urkel's army of Urkel-Cyborg soldiers.
— SmashLanding (@SmashLanding) October 26, 2016
There is a “Fight Club” vibe going on, though.
Me: Lately, I've just been experiencing one nightmare after another
Therapist: I thought you said you haven't slept in a week
Me: Exactly
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) November 2, 2016
Also, a plate of shrimp.
"wha do ya do fer fun taff-E"
~suit up the capybaras and reenact the cop trunk opening vaporization scene from Repo Man~— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) October 30, 2016
Same.
Ignoble is how I roll.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) October 28, 2016
Yeah, go ahead and repossess this. It saves me a step.
My 6yo dropped one of her noisy toys down the stairs & now the sound doesn't work so brb I need to go drop some more toys down the stairs
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) September 13, 2016
Why you want syrup for shrimp?
My 7yo just had a meltdown because he had to open the bottle of syrup himself, but congratulations on your pregnancy.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 19, 2016
What you got against syrup?
I miss the good old days when self absorption was considered a flaw instead of an adorable personality quirk.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 1, 2016
“Why did you make me open my own syrup? Booooooooo.”
If my obituary has a typo in it I'm going to haunt the crap outta you
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) November 1, 2016
Again, same.
I am not the problem and in all fairness I have also never claimed to be the solution.
— L'Boxy L’Roxy (@laboxalaroxa) October 24, 2016
Maybe you tripped on a stair sticky with syrup?
Got shit-faced and fell down 37 stairs at the Jets game, but I yelled, "PARKOUR!" when I hit the bottom, so I pretty much killed it.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) November 2, 2016
110 percent.
Luckily when I half ass something, it's still plenty of ass. It's like as much ass as you probably put in all year, ok.
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) November 2, 2016
Way less than 110 percent.
Call me old-fashioned but guys just don't do donuts in parking lots to woo us like they used to.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) November 2, 2016
But is he doing donuts for you?
You can stop pretending you don't like me now
— lunaticminge (@majesticminge) March 16, 2016
Nah, it’s endearing.
I really need to stop explaining how an apocalyptic scenario would be my time to shine.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 28, 2016
Talk about an apocalyptic scenario.
If I ever say, "Wow those throw pillows really transform the room," it's code. I'm being held against my will. Send help.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) July 26, 2016
I’m so sorry.
Don't get mad at me because you're adorable. That's on you.
— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) October 24, 2016
But…
Practice makes the craft accurate.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) October 16, 2016
Never let them see you coming.
I fear sometimes that my bright, and relentlessly cheerful countenance isn't fully camouflaging the evil intent in my heart
— CVTeaze (@CVTBaby) October 20, 2016
Never. Let. Them. See. You. Coming.
Always a bridesmaid, never a terrifyingly silent and excruciatingly cold space monolith.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) January 17, 2015
Also same.
I got out of bed today. So yeah, Im working without a net.
— Štãçÿ (@girl_a_whirl) September 16, 2014
Yes, we are. How is this even a question?
Are we tailgating at this craft fair, or nah?
— Rev (@NotARatsAss) October 29, 2016
Goals.
Why wait for a crisis when you can become one.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) October 19, 2016
Building blocks for goals.
Excuse me motherfucker, but I'm building goodwill here.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 31, 2016
Necessary steps for achieving goals.
Google search:
-swim lessons
-diving gear
-boat rental
-nautical charts
-watermelon harvesting techniques— Toast Heely (@XLToast) October 29, 2016
Halloween is a state of mind.
Me: Turn out the lights so those little beasts will go away.
Him: It's only 5:00PM.
Me: Fine. Hand me the cleaver and my clown mask.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 31, 2016
Leave most everyone behind. It’s where our spirit’s born.
Purge. Do it right this time.
— Aunt Amy (@stickytentacle) October 27, 2016
We’re plotting.
*everything falling apart around me* me: it's okay, I wanted that to happen
— snowjob (@canadasandra) October 19, 2016
And keeping score.
Always enable Read Receipt when emailing death threats.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) September 23, 2016
We’re also deflecting authority, though.
And remember, if you need any help or have any questions at all, please don't hesitate to ask someone else.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) November 1, 2016
Even though not everyone wants us to.
I wouldn't even mind being murdered if I knew you were the killer.
— Mrs Fancy Pants (@MrsFancyPants77) November 2, 2016
Nevertheless, we step up.
I usually start with a vigorous leg humping to establish dominance.
— Happy Chillmore (@Cravin4) October 11, 2016
We experiment.
To be honest I REALLY thought that all squirrels could fly. They can't.
Anyway, my wife says I have to put the ladder away now.
— ⓛⓐⓜⓔ ᗪᗩᗪ (@jergarl) October 29, 2016
We dare to dream.
If I'm ever turned to stone by Medusa's glare, I hope I'm frozen in time with a chimichanga in my mouth.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) October 28, 2016
We invent, challenge, and adapt.
I accidentally clicked on a link for DIY Upcycled Chalkboard Tutorials, and suddenly I'm in a field wearing riding boots and drinking a PSL.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) October 24, 2016
Setbacks, sure, they happen.
*shoots for the stars*
*hits myself in the foot*— Minion (@miffedmim) October 28, 2016
Then…
Set your woes down, little girl. You're about to raise hell with the fire of chaos.
— Miss Muse (@bevandeveire) October 30, 2016
Once again back is the incredible.
It's okay. You can all stop ugly crying. I'm back now.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 21, 2016
And we’re bringing the magic.
I have produced rabbits on demand for so long that no one believes me when I say the hat is empty. They stand with expectant faces, waiting.
— Jen, Queen o'Fidiots (@Jlofarsays) March 3, 2013
Bathing in the sun.
Kids playing, sun shining, cosmic ionizing radiation ripping through human tissue destroying DNA, birds singing…
— Mrs. X (@LnL245) October 19, 2016
Basking in glory.
Why take a mirror selfie when the poltergeist in my mirror always tells me I'm pretty
— AquaGirl (@SliNtuli) October 21, 2016
Until the end.
You'll live. They only kill the best.
— BadFabergé (@ipalatsky) October 29, 2016
But until then, keep living your truth.
You only live once, so you better make super dumb decisions during that time, I guess?
— Sarah del Rio (@est1975blog) October 10, 2016
Rage.
Drank a bunch of Redd's Apple Ales and got kicked out of this church craft fair for flipping a table at some lady's LuLaRoe booth.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 30, 2016
And reach for the stars.
Sometimes I daydream that Elmo is a real person so you probably shouldn't ask me for relationship advice.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) October 22, 2016
Before E. E. got to the light, he informed us that “silently if, out of not knowable night’s utmost nothing, wanders a little guess (only which is this world) more of my life does not leap than with the mystery your smile.” He was fond of burning the midnight oil, and of being flawed. Really, it’s the only way to roll.
Out of all the people in my life that lack charm and grace, you're my favorite.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) October 30, 2016
