With the election less than a week away, it is time to get serious. While Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump continue to argue over which one of them is actually Vladimir Putin’s puppet, a new kind of candidate approaches: The Sweet Meteor O’Death.
Recent polling from Reuters actually shows SMOD with a substantial lead among millennials over the two major-party candidates. SMOD has a simple unifying platform that people of all races, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, and party affiliation have found appealing: global mass extinction.
I caught up with SMOD on the campaign trail to discuss, among other things, entitlement reform, Black Lives Matter, and Billy Bush.
GREG: Hello, SMOD. Thank you for taking the time.
SMOD: No problem. At my velocity, time passes a bit more slowly.
GREG: Hillary Clinton is fond of reminding us that her father did something with drapes for a living. John Kasich is still making sure that everyone knows that his father was a mailman. To begin, can you tell us a little about your upbringing, your parents?
SMOD: I was born when a proto-planet humans refer to as Theia smashed into the early earth. The resulting impact sent a large chunk of the North American plate careening out to the Oort cloud. That would be me. I suppose you could say Theia and Earth would be my parents.
GREG: When you achieve impact, do you see it as a sort of union, or is it obliteration for you, as well, and how will you commemorate the event?
SMOD: I look at it like my homecoming. I plan on merging with Earth’s molten core.
GREG: There is a lot of hysteria lately about Trump leaving the door open to challenge the results of the election. How will the SMOD campaign respond if you were to fall short on election night?
SMOD: That’s one of the best aspects of my campaign: irrespective of how I do at the polls, the end result will be an asteroid apocalypse.
GREG: This election cycle has painfully illustrated the danger of being emotionally invested in a particular candidate over his or her policies. Indeed, there seems to be a large number of people on both sides who have succumbed to a cult of personality, yet your campaign has been more of a grassroots, issue-oriented groundswell. Can you talk briefly about how, despite your own celebrity, you have managed to hold fast to the issues and not get involved in the mud-slinging that we have seen from both the Trump and Clinton campaigns?
SMOD: Being emotionally invested in a candidate is an even worse bet than investing your life-savings with the Nigerian prince who keeps emailing you. Fortunately, I have been able to avoid the cult of personality by (a) not being a person; and (b) focusing on the main issue, i.e. the elimination of human life on Earth. I don’t have any problem with mudslinging, but out here liquid water is hard to come by.
GREG: Let’s move to entitlement reform. In a major break from previous GOP nominees, Trump has talked about the need to expand entitlements while focusing on cutting “waste, fraud, and abuse.” In many ways, Trump is approaching entitlements from the left of Hillary Clinton. What in particular separates you from the two major-party candidates on this very sensitive and pressing issue?
SMOD: Everyone wants to spend less on entitlements. What distinguishes me is that instead of reducing the amount spent per person, my solution is to reduce the number of persons. To zero.
GREG: Sean Hannity (brown belt/street martial arts) has claimed conservatives who are unwilling to vote for Trump because he violates their “principles” are essentially handing Hillary Clinton the keys to the White House. My question is this: SMOD, if you lose at the ballot box, who will be to blame?
GREG: Early on in your campaign, you made a comment that fell through the cracks because of all the confusion about which major candidate is the actual puppet of Putin, but you said you would end all life on Earth save for, and I quote, “all sulfur-oxidizing bacteria in deep sea thermal vents.” Many people might interpret that position as a little prejudiced. Can you speak to your support of these bacteria through the lens of social justice?
SMOD: That’s always puzzled me, inasmuch as all life on Earth can trace its ancestry back to deep-sea sulfur-oxidizing bacteria.
GREG: Democrat nominee Hillary Clinton claims to have spent her life fighting for women, children, and the lowly workers of the world, yet after serving eight years as New York’s senator her only concrete achievement was renaming a building after Thurgood Marshall. Donald Trump claims he actually represents the lowly workers after spending a lifetime abusing them for his own benefit. Can you take this opportunity to talk about what a SMOD candidacy offers to the blue-collar workers of America?
SMOD: Yes. To all the blue-collar workers, I say this: you have spent your lives in pain, toiling in a Kafka-esque nightmare at the behest of a corrupt and debauched elite. I will end your suffering, exterminate the lives of your oppressors, and also your lives.
GREG: Would you end sanctuary cities?
SMOD: I would end cities.
GREG: We have the results of a recent Reuters poll that clearly illustrates your popularity with millennials. Do you have a message right now for those younger people voting in their first, maybe their second election?
SMOD: Don’t waste your time voting. Just enjoy the apocalypse.
GREG: Some millennials feel your great age might be a barrier between you and them. What do you say to those who might see more of themselves in much younger candidates like Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump?
SMOD: Anyone who views Trump or Hillary as the youthful candidate should drink a bucket of Drano. Or just wait for the apocalypse. It doesn’t matter.
GREG: Donald Trump likes to talk about law and order. Hillary Clinton doesn’t, for obvious reasons. Where do you come down on equality under the law?
SMOD: Everyone has an equal right to burn in the hellfire of an extinction-level impact.
GREG: Ronald Reagan’s “Peace Through Strength” doctrine of the early ‘80s was, in the eyes of many, responsible for securing America’s position as the world’s premier superpower, and it has been difficult for those people to behold our present culture of appeasement. Can you speak to the concept of peace through strength, and is that the best way forward?
SMOD: Yes. Nothing is stronger than an extinction-level asteroid impact, and no other policy promises to forever eliminate war or violent threats.
GREG: Conspiracy theories have been integral to the Trump campaign. Recall that he stood on a GOP debate stage and essentially claimed that George W. Bush did 9/11. After hearing the Trump campaign recently blame Billy Bush for goading Trump into talking about grabbing women by the unmentionables, I wonder what else Billy Bush has meddled in with his substantial dark magic. Is it possible that conspiracy theorists like Alex Jones have been blaming the wrong Bush for 9/11? Can you perhaps offer a different perspective due to your distance from Earth?
SMOD: I will eliminate Billy Bush and Alex Jones, irrespective of whether either of them were or were not responsible for the 9/11 attacks.
GREG: Let’s shift to ethics reform. Your thoughts?
SMOD: That’s a tricky question that requires a nuanced, layered response. Just kidding—the answer is global mass extinction.
GREG: There seems to be a genuine rift in America today. On the Left we have Black Lives Matter, and the social justice warrior phenomenon spreading across campuses. On the Right we have Blue Lives Matter, and the alt-right nationalists who champion fascism. The thread that links these groups is vengeance, the result of a culture of grievance. Is there anything, in your opinion, that something like you could do to begin the process of bringing these groups together?
SMOD: I will not just bring these people together, in some cases I will literally fuse them together.
GREG: In closing, please finish the following thought: I’m old enough to remember when…
SMOD: The dinosaurs of the late Triassic thought an extinction-level asteroid impact had no shot at the presidency.
GREG: It’s been a pleasure, SMOD. Best of luck to you in the final weeks of the campaign.
SMOD: Thank you, I look forward to extinguishing your species.