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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 72

The universe is large, it contains multitudes—including parallel ones in which poets are assassins.

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A truth was recently revealed to the world. Famed theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking is actually a supervillain, one planning to use Jaguars (the vehicles and not the jungle cats) to shred through Einstein-Rosen Bridges, also known as wormholes, and rip apart the very seams of space and time.

As yet, we do not know what he will do once he destroys the fabric of the multiverse, but we have to assume it won’t be good and may involve actual jaguars. Maybe, just maybe, Hawking the evil genius plans to use Jaguar SUVs to transport jaguar jungle cats to other dimensions, unleashing a snarling, nightmarish cornucopia of destruction upon us all.

For a man who once asked, “In a world that is in chaos politically, socially and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?” it’s a devilishly unexpected and fiendish move, but it could also prove rather entertaining.

I guess it’s possible that Hawking is planning to use jaguars to fight these and the whole supervillain thing is just a ruse.

I think it’s more of a promise.

And from that one, he pulled another universe.


Stop bringing people’s alternate selves back from the other worlds, Hawking!

Too bad I put a black hole in there.

This is actually the same in all the universes.

Then, just start raining jaguars on your audience.

BEHOLD!

There’s a certain theoretical physicist who might dispute one or two of these.


Don’t despair. Perhaps an alternate version of you is doing this very thing at this exact moment.

You should’ve gone with “In Your Eyes.”

Have you ever considered not chasing them?

If only you were armed with a team of angry, interdimensional predators that could devour them.

Put. On. The. Glasses.

Then you get sucked through a portal and thrown in the back of an SUV.

Maybe you should’ve doubled back instead of continuing in the tunnel.

I’ll take “Shows That Are Going to Vanish During a Trip to the Store” for $800, Alex.

Why would anyone ask questions about this?

Unless…

Your mistake is thinking there’s an order.

In a wormhole, no one can hear you scream.

Yes, this works better than shouting.

Then, in a shocking twist, a jaguar jumps out of the last pocket he goes to fill.

Where’s Steven Seagal when you need him?

This universe is a tad frightening.

But what if they’d arrived via the Einstein-Rosen Bridge?

It’s for the best that you embrace the supervillain’s plan.

There’s a solution for this.

She’s just thinking about her final plans for a post-jaguar-apocalypse hellscape.

You see, the tests show that there’s a snarling jungle cat directly behind you.

He shouldn’t try to stop you from crossing over to another dimension.

Maybe the crosswalk guard had a point.

That’s the spirit!

Another rule of fight club.

That little girl shouldn’t have broken rule one.

You won’t believe what happened next.

A lesser known but equally important rule of fight club, one from a parallel plane where things are a bit different.

When battling a sinister physicist, this is a strength.

But the other version of her…


What most don’t realize is that out there in the multiverse, the garden was a pumpkin patch and orchard.

And with that, I’m off to another world, provided I can avoid the stalking beasts.

Though our supervillain is possessed of unique intelligence and a nefarious plan, it was not to be. The omniverse is a large and contains multitudes, including a number of Walt Whitmans who focus more on thwarting nefarious plans than on crafting verses.

It was in one of those that Hawking met his end. Hawking set about to release his squadron of jaguars when Whitman emerged from the shadows and proclaimed, “Be composed—but be not at ease with me—I am Walt Whitman, liberal and lusty as Nature. You killed a parallel version of me. Prepare to die.”

Thus his plot unravels, though the advice Whitman dispensed remains. For no matter the situation, it’s good to be prepared.