A truth was recently revealed to the world. Famed theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking is actually a supervillain, one planning to use Jaguars (the vehicles and not the jungle cats) to shred through Einstein-Rosen Bridges, also known as wormholes, and rip apart the very seams of space and time.
As yet, we do not know what he will do once he destroys the fabric of the multiverse, but we have to assume it won’t be good and may involve actual jaguars. Maybe, just maybe, Hawking the evil genius plans to use Jaguar SUVs to transport jaguar jungle cats to other dimensions, unleashing a snarling, nightmarish cornucopia of destruction upon us all.
For a man who once asked, “In a world that is in chaos politically, socially and environmentally, how can the human race sustain another 100 years?” it’s a devilishly unexpected and fiendish move, but it could also prove rather entertaining.
Nighty-nite kisses moons stars supernovas hurtling asteroids blinding gamma-rays sucking black holes dark energy atom splits luv u <3
— Her Tomb Boots (@fuzzlime) October 18, 2015
I guess it’s possible that Hawking is planning to use jaguars to fight these and the whole supervillain thing is just a ruse.
Scientists talk about wormholes but no one ever mentions the giant space worms making them. I smell a coverup.
— Horrific Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 16, 2016
I think it’s more of a promise.
Him: I think I’m having a Final Destination style premonition.
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time, mister.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) October 18, 2016
And from that one, he pulled another universe.
Her: For once can we just be spontaneous?
Me: Okay. *Opens fanny pack and pulls out emergency fanny pack*
— Franken Boog (@BoogTweets) October 17, 2016
Stop bringing people’s alternate selves back from the other worlds, Hawking!
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
— mo (@chuuew) June 20, 2015
Too bad I put a black hole in there.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
— Fish Shape (@TheDeadfishSays) November 20, 2014
This is actually the same in all the universes.
I walk thru doors to the sounds of microwaves beeping, kids being born in bathroom stalls.
“Welcome to Chili’s”, she says.
— Expired Toast (@XLToast) September 29, 2016
Then, just start raining jaguars on your audience.
Might start beginning everything I say by shouting “BEHOLD!”.
— Cam (@GinAndJif) September 29, 2016
*as my opponent comes in to finish me off I reach into my pocket and throw a handful of bacon bits in his eyes and run away*
— Caetano Bravo (@cbdoubleu) September 27, 2016
There’s a certain theoretical physicist who might dispute one or two of these.
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
— an actual ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) August 2, 2016
Don’t despair. Perhaps an alternate version of you is doing this very thing at this exact moment.
I was led to believe that my adult life would involve at least one occurrence of knocking on the door of a secluded creepy manor in a storm.
— Bellatrix Lesilly (@AddledPixie) October 16, 2016
You should’ve gone with “In Your Eyes.”
Him: I know you’re out there. Stop stalking me.
Me: *walks out of bushes with Sting’s “Watching You” playing from a boom box.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) October 14, 2016
Have you ever considered not chasing them?
I want to die of natural causes like being murdered by a waterfall
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) October 18, 2016
If only you were armed with a team of angry, interdimensional predators that could devour them.
I’m not sure what that was I took last night, but I woke up with cartoon squirrels braiding my hair.
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) March 5, 2016
Put. On. The. Glasses.
Six minute fight scene from They Live but between me and your dog when im trying to get him to wear this cute sweater I bought him.
— Scary Timbit Pesto (@RocketRankoon) March 1, 2014
Then you get sucked through a portal and thrown in the back of an SUV.
The light at the end of the tunnel flickers out just as you reach it.
— Trudacious (@Trudacious) September 29, 2016
Maybe you should’ve doubled back instead of continuing in the tunnel.
I’ll take robbery for $500, Alex. And your wallet. I’ll take your wallet, too.
— Casey Duncan (@caseytduncan) March 7, 2013
I’ll take “Shows That Are Going to Vanish During a Trip to the Store” for $800, Alex.
“Sweetie, there is no God. Your dreams? Those are already dead, too.”
–My Father the Nihilist. Coming next fall on NBC.
— Kira Kay (@kissmefreedom) November 15, 2015
Why would anyone ask questions about this?
i need a choreographer right away no time for questions
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 16, 2016
Trip the light fantastic. Hit the floor. Cut a rug. Murder your dance instructor.
— ShesARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) October 19, 2016
Your mistake is thinking there’s an order.
I’m just here to upset the unnatural order of things.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) September 24, 2016
In a wormhole, no one can hear you scream.
Stop shouting, I’m about to swoon.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 18, 2016
Yes, this works better than shouting.
I spell out everything semicolon it avoids confusion exclamation point
— Olive Ann Batman (@offbeatoliv) October 12, 2016
Then, in a shocking twist, a jaguar jumps out of the last pocket he goes to fill.
Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory but it’s just Steven Seagal at Hostess trying to stuff as many Twinkies as he can into his cargo shorts
— Štãçÿ (@girl_a_whirl) October 9, 2016
Where’s Steven Seagal when you need him?
Kathy Bates has been appearing in my dreams as “The Butcher” and it’s not as erotic as it sounds.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) October 18, 2016
This universe is a tad frightening.
him: talk freaky to me, baby
her: k. I am the god of lies.
him: what the fuck,
her: your existence is an illusion
— Porne of the Dead (@AudreyPorne) May 5, 2016
But what if they’d arrived via the Einstein-Rosen Bridge?
Three leopards walk into a bar. Bartender says “Hey leopards!
Get out of here!” and then he continues painting a Martian landscape.
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) October 20, 2016
It’s for the best that you embrace the supervillain’s plan.
Mood: seeking sensuously curvy mountain lion for one (very final) cuddle.
— Vincent Cacklemore (@ohthatbadger) October 19, 2016
There’s a solution for this.
Bats aren’t the only things I’ve had in my belfry.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) October 13, 2016
She’s just thinking about her final plans for a post-jaguar-apocalypse hellscape.
Do you think I have a pretty skull? Why did you hesitate?
It’s a simple question…
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) October 15, 2016
You see, the tests show that there’s a snarling jungle cat directly behind you.
Doctor: You’re dying.
Me: Haha, aren’t we all, doc?
Me: Oh. You mean imminently.
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) October 17, 2016
He shouldn’t try to stop you from crossing over to another dimension.
Now the cross walk guard reported me as “antagonizing.”
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) October 20, 2016
Maybe the crosswalk guard had a point.
Don’t just stare into the abyss; jump.
— Mrs Fancy Pants (@MrsFancyPants77) October 16, 2016
That’s the spirit!
I’ll pass on the tea and crumpets; I’m more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) October 14, 2016
Another rule of fight club.
If you can’t beat them on the field, beat them in the parking lot.
-Me giving advice to my nephew.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) August 3, 2015
That little girl shouldn’t have broken rule one.
please hold my iced cinnamon dolce latte while I kick this little girl’s ass
— Maison Piedfort (@maisonwithapen) October 15, 2016
You won’t believe what happened next.
The Children’s museum is a rip off. I only saw one mummified child, and it was hidden in the janitor’s closet.
— juice vanzany (@jvanzand) October 12, 2016
A lesser known but equally important rule of fight club, one from a parallel plane where things are a bit different.
26th rule of Fight Club:
Please don’t wear a thong to fight club, it causes everyone to feel uncomfortable.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) October 13, 2016
When battling a sinister physicist, this is a strength.
A friend told me I have “evil” eyes as though that should upset me.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 20, 2016
But the other version of her…
For those who just tuned in, I’m nice.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) October 11, 2016
What most don’t realize is that out there in the multiverse, the garden was a pumpkin patch and orchard.
Adam: I feel like doing something Octobery today
Eve: I have an idea
Adam: omg no baby
Eve just going fuckin nuts at the orchard
— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) October 20, 2016
And with that, I’m off to another world, provided I can avoid the stalking beasts.
Oh, you can’t stand me?
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) December 4, 2015
Though our supervillain is possessed of unique intelligence and a nefarious plan, it was not to be. The omniverse is a large and contains multitudes, including a number of Walt Whitmans who focus more on thwarting nefarious plans than on crafting verses.
It was in one of those that Hawking met his end. Hawking set about to release his squadron of jaguars when Whitman emerged from the shadows and proclaimed, “Be composed—but be not at ease with me—I am Walt Whitman, liberal and lusty as Nature. You killed a parallel version of me. Prepare to die.”
Thus his plot unravels, though the advice Whitman dispensed remains. For no matter the situation, it’s good to be prepared.
him: [slipping my panties off] why are u wearing 2 pairs of panties
me: I’m not
him: [sliding another pair off] omg how many are u wearing
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) October 19, 2016