Literally anyone can go into a yoga studio and begin learning the poses and techniques of one of the deadliest practices known to man. The combination of mental, physical, and spiritual exercises creates perfect killing machines. Skilled practitioners are ruthlessly efficient, calm and focused on their targets, moving unnoticed in their tactical lululemons.
It is these truths that caused J. Robert Oppenheimer, one of the fathers of the atomic bomb, to ruminate on a passage from the Bhagavad Gita upon the first successful detonation of a nuclear bomb. Though not wholly focused on yoga, the book’s section on hot yoga was particularly apropos with regard to global destruction.
For when the skilled yogi gets it hot, there is but one statement to make: “Now I am become Death, destroyer of worlds. Namaste.”
Sorry I must cancel tonight. I have a world to destroy, a casserole to make, a soul to steal and a puppy cuddle puddle at 8. Raincheck?
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) October 11, 2016
What if this had happened to Oppenheimer?
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
— Chimney Spotter (@chimneyspotter) May 18, 2016
He is become Megafauna, pioneer of riding large flightless birds.
“No, there’s no way!”
I totally could
“No you couldn’t!”
*slams the rest of his beer* I can and I will
-the first guy to ride an ostrich
— Obi Jawn (@ThaJawn) October 10, 2016
“But, babe, it’s from the Son of Sam collection.”
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
— Jackie Oh! (@jackiembouvier) October 12, 2016
You know what else besides bodies that you find in the woods?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
— It’s a Vabpire. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) March 20, 2015
I think they’ve got a cottage.
Hey, get a tomb, you two.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) October 7, 2016
Personally, I’d demand a second opinion.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
— jerm (@JermHimselfish) October 3, 2016
He also has a high amount of karate in his blood.
Girl, my Datsun 240z might have faded with time but this ponytail is forever
— J (@Dis0beyJay) October 9, 2016
I don’t think this qualifies as karate.
It’s amazing how people treat you differently when you walk into a store carrying a baseball bat.
— Evil Minions (@miffedmim) October 10, 2016
Talk about a hostile work environment.
ME:What’s ur rule on no ducks in the office
I: Why would we even have a rule
*excited quack from my bag*
M: No reason
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 12, 2016
This one, too.
I think this bartender is wondering when I’ll break.
Me too B.
— Bar$tar (@elynnbarlow) October 6, 2016
Haters gonna hate.
Apparently my family, and the police, didn’t appreciate the ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ themed funeral I planned for my Aunt this week.
— (Not) Travis ↩ (@zloeffler) September 29, 2016
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Can’t. Hanging out in the woods until a survivalist scoops me up to start our own colony.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 11, 2016
Next, assume the halfback behind quarterback position.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) October 10, 2016
This guy is a next-level yogi.
“Clowns spotted on Campus”
Me: Eh, whatever.
“Geese spotted on Campus”
Me: Nah, forget it. I’ll get the notes online.
— Boo Bice (@Pro_Jones_) October 4, 2016
Sometimes it pays to skip out on being the wingman.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
— XS Flea Baggage (@bsnc64) May 25, 2016
Duck, duck …
My mother said I’d never make anything of my life, but the jokes on her. I’ve made a complete mess of it.
— Elizabeth (@Elizasoul80) October 6, 2016
You’re gonna say “goose,” aren’t you?
I’m just trying to find the most dramatic way possible to show you I don’t want your attention.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) May 21, 2016
A storm filled with honking and feathers and destruction. Wait, no. You swoop in, Kenny Loggins and “Top Gun”-style. We’ll allow it.
I just want to live long enough to see a hurricane named after me.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) October 7, 2016
These directions aren’t about you.
Buying this Fleetwood Mac GPS was a bad idea
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) February 27, 2014
But he never made it to the center without biting down!
The tootsie pop owl’s wings thunder behind you. He’s come for your teeth.
— Lars Frumperskull (@underalls) September 25, 2013
He was being chased by super-aggressive owls and geese, okay.
The guy who invented pogo sticks must’ve been having one messed up week.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) July 7, 2016
Tell me more about this dip.
I’m upset that I’ve yet to be invited to a surprise murder party, considering my promise to bring buffalo chicken dip and a thirst for BLOOD
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) September 20, 2016
Also a canopy.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, WE’VE GOT SOME FUCKIN’ TREES
— GINGERATLAW (@GingerAtLaw) October 7, 2016
Really we’re not. And not just because of the band.
I call bullshit; I bet the wicked are resting just fine.
— Bat Shit Crazy (@BatBatshitcrazy) October 6, 2016
Welcome to the jungle, we’ve got some relish and mustard.
You know that song that really speaks to your heart right now? It’s going to be used in a hot dog commercial within the next ten years.
— Holly Anne (@HollyMemphis) September 25, 2016
His name is Dug and he loves you.
Sorry I’m busy helping this dog with a quest
— Megazord (@WaluigiLover) October 8, 2016
Who said that?
How dare you ignore me? I’m a goddamn delight.
— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) October 8, 2016
Seriously, did someone say something?
all i wanna do is
*cash register noise*
have a deep connection with someone that accepts how uninteresting i am
— The Reani-Nate-or (@natechartier1) September 22, 2016
*cocks gun* This is an art.
I’ve learned that, if you refer to your job as your Craft & proceed to reference your Truth in a conversation, I’ll simply walk away.
— Wilx Kivz (@LagunaBeachPOV) October 1, 2016
Way ahead of you.
It’s a Black Moon tonight so get your curses ready.
— TattleTaleSister (@TattleTSister) September 30, 2016
C’est la vie.
[the bat signal lights up the Parisian sky]
French Batman: *shrugs*
— Ghoul-glePossum (@gogglepossum) September 30, 2016
you’re all invited to my party, she threatened
— snowjob (@canadasandra) October 6, 2016
Dude, you need to try a Batarang.
buddy I can’t even kill one bird with like 8 stones
— seasonally appropria (@hippieswordfish) October 3, 2016
The Batarang is kept next to this chair, but don’t be dissuaded.
For the love of God don’t sit in the occasional chair, you might smush the cushions, it’s only to look at.
— Mable Gertrude (@MableGertrude) October 4, 2016
This happens when we’re not ready for the hero we deserve.
Guess it’s never too early for a little police chase
— JllyJllyFish (@JllyJllyFish) September 22, 2016
People always assume spontaneous. Take time to ask questions.
What happened ma’am?
“He was just sitting here and he burst into flames”
Like spontaneous combustion?
“No, I planned it for weeks”
— Terry F (@daemonic3) October 7, 2016
When the hot part of hot yoga gets criminal.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
— EricaTriesToBooYou (@SteussieErica) September 28, 2016
Look, he’s trying to make a sweet cannon. Don’t cramp his style.
Me: *walks into room, sees 6 pulling sofa apart* what are u doing?
6: looking for the potato I lost yesterday
Me: *walks out of room*
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 4, 2016
Well, yeah, but remember to throw up the Namaste signal.
It’s funny because everything is awful
— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) September 19, 2016
How else would he be the hero we need?
that grudge you’re holding looks heavy
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) October 7, 2016
Are bears Catholic?
Me: Do you ever feel like you are your own worst enemy?
Me: Bitch, please.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 12, 2016
people are talking to me again, it’s time to do something controversial.
— tenley (@ProudFFAalumni) August 20, 2016
These kids mastered their poses at a young age.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
E: dammit Stephen
— rocky (@rockymomax) July 31, 2016
Not cornfield creepy, but it’s close.
7yo’s begging me to be “Leia in the bathing suit” to his Darth Vader for Halloween & I’ll probably do it but shit that’s pretty creepy.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 10, 2016
Her house is a corn maze.
Our door decoration for Halloween says “Enter at your own risk” but it seems like sound advice year round.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) October 12, 2016
I’m not sure this pose is in the Gita.
I’m sorry I reached out and touched your forearm during your tirade, but I was enchanted.
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) October 7, 2016
This is Hazel Pickletime calling from the bridge.
Get the jumper ready, we’re gonna hit the Nebula Zaparoo and do some crimes
— taffy bennington (@singwithTaffy) October 13, 2016
He’s in, too.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
— Turd Ferguson (@generaldietz) October 4, 2016
I’m not sure these qualify as crimes, but I’ll allow it.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
— Markybooboo (@markydoodoo) October 12, 2016
Wanna commit some crimes?
You can get away with a lot if you’re just so completely awful people assume you must be kidding
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) May 1, 2016
The path to nirvana is tricky and fraught with peril, but truly dedicated students will find enlightenment by continuing to forge ahead, breathing rhythmically, and remembering this passage of the Gita: “Even if it seems certain that you will lose, retaliate. Neither wisdom nor technique has a place in this. A real man does not think of victory or defeat. He plunges recklessly towards an irrational death. By doing this, you will awaken from your dreams.”
Wait, that’s from “The Hagakure,” but let’s just roll with that instead.
I’m just telling you what I would do, she said while doing the exact opposite.
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) September 7, 2016