The moon began venturing out earlier and earlier as the days shorten. Life continues, but a somber mood takes hold. The darkness becoming us, enveloping our lives.
But on the edges, light emerges. Darkness proves to be relative. For no matter how strong her grip, it was always tenuous. Hope remains, waiting on us to break forth and crack a cold one. Resilience was always a mark of our character.
As the wise man once opined, the half-full glass is that much closer to a refill, even as the maze looms and we were tempted to lay down and throw in the towel.
*lays down on abandoned mattress on the side of the freeway
fuck yes
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) February 25, 2016
That just means you’re living life to the fullest.
Chances are I will need an exorcism eventually.
— DarkerWillow (@DarkerWillow) September 15, 2016
That’s what 2016 is all about.
Disappoint me. No, harder.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) October 3, 2016
They are right bastards, but a mixture of apple cider vinegar and dish soap helps eradicate them.
My descent into madness began with fruit flies
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 17, 2016
No jury will convict.
Often I wonder if there is a clown out there wearing a mask of me as I plan his murder.
— Olivia Twisted (@aveuaskew) February 10, 2016
Good because change requires much more effort than I’m willing to put forth.
Please don't ever change.
I hate you just the way you are.
— Goddess Of Mischief™ (@AsgardianRose) September 20, 2016
Were you paying attention to what I said about darkness, dawn, and drink refills?
There, there. (Awkwardly pats the universe)
— Mrs. Fitz (@PFitzpa) October 16, 2015
I’m not saying I’d pay to watch this, but I’m not not saying it, either.
I'm not saying I'm an anarchist but I do think it would be fun to release a swarm of cats into a car boot sale and watch the carnage ensue.
— Tups (@Tups13) September 20, 2016
Same.
There's no dealing with some people and I'm one of them.
— Fickle_Filly (@Fickle_Filly) September 3, 2016
It was a decisive victory because everyone was so afraid of the crazy guy with the disposable dinnerware.
I brought paper plates and napkins to a knife fight because I got my evites mixed up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 4, 2016
It’s never too early to start planning.
My early Christmas list
Some tools
A new blanket
Your mom
One of those new shoesThis is an early draft
— Böb El Diablo Jänke (@Bob_Janke) October 4, 2016
Several items from the previous list would be helpful here.
As a parent, eventually you stop asking why there's food on the ceiling. You just clean it and move on.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2016
As Sun Tzu said.
The words with friends craze is over. I'm ready for words with foes. I've got some enemies with pretty mediocre lexicons.
— Creed (@novicefather) October 3, 2016
Much like evil murder clowns, what was inside did not match what was outside.
I really don't think those bears cared at all.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) October 1, 2016
Is there a scene after the credits like in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off?”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It's dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
— Miss Moneypenny (@MoneypennyNaked) August 21, 2016
Dare to feel alive.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
— denise (@Stellacopter) September 19, 2016
Not in my house.
[letting 6 play across the park]
Me: Do u think he's safe? Do u think anyone will take him?
Husband: No, there are way more valuable kids.— Graceful AF (@graceful_asfuck) September 3, 2016
For a really deep clean, try this.
Sometimes grace is a gallon of gasoline and a match.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) September 25, 2016
The Gatekeeper in the new “Ghostbusters” is a lot lazier than I remembered.
I levitated last night, I'm just not that into it tonight.
— Bblack (@freebirdy31) October 3, 2016
You don’t want the answer to this question.
What's a normal amount of murder clowns in ones peripheral vision, she inquires to WebMD.
— Katrina (@EyeSeeYou619) September 30, 2016
Disagree, you’re just often too exhausted to appreciate it.
Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?
Son: happy
Me: no, something reasonable
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) August 13, 2016
Most people don’t realize that Craig was also into clown cosplay.
Craigslist started of as a list of people Craig wanted to kill then it pivoted.
— Wu tang kraang (@1slowery1) October 1, 2016
This is how Guy Fieri makes a chicken salad.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
— Banana Graveyard (@bananagrvyrd) February 7, 2016
I’m sorry I said that you’re not a good boy.
Sorry I can't go out tonight I'm in a fight with my dog and we promised never to go to bed angry
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) October 1, 2016
Children of the Corn need origin stories, too.
Our preschooler decided he's going to be the one who leads us through this corn maze, so I guess we're going to die in here.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) October 1, 2016
Trying to get out of a corn maze. Next question.
What the Fuck am I Doing?
-An Autobiography.— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 27, 2016
Just giving up works, too.
Nothing is a struggle when you just don't care.
— busty&blunt (@attsmcjay) October 2, 2016
We didn’t sacrifice enough goats. Or children.
Very disappointed with the apple harvest this year.
— Vampirate Hooker (@krissywillbretz) September 28, 2016
That’s what the corn maze said, yet here we are.
Whatever. You can't quit me.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) August 17, 2016
Like taking a trip into that maize.
Mistakes are for amateurs. I only go for disasters.
— Sandra (@Sanbel11) September 29, 2016
*drops ear of corn like a mic*
Hello I am your DJ for the night, and I will strictly be playing myself rapping my own personal poems about a pelican I dreamed of once
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) September 11, 2016
What if it’s all just a beautiful dream? Wait, scratch that.
Signs you're crazy :
Are people afraid to wake you up?
— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) September 27, 2016
A pumpkin or festive seasonal cornucopia, perhaps.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) December 7, 2015
That’s one way to defeat a particularly challenging maze.
If you want to find me follow the trail of gasoline.
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) September 16, 2016
Pretty much.
(Overhearing couple beside me) Him: Fear is the path to the dark….Me: (leaning in) You're a very lucky woman.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) August 7, 2016
You know what other walkable puzzles supposedly leave you cursed?
Tour Guide: Many believe once you enter King Tut's tomb, you will be cursed. Who wants to go in?
*I look back at my husband & call odds* ME
— Stacy (@girl_a_whirl) August 28, 2016
She was just so happy to be out of the maze, she didn’t watch where she was going.
*zips snacks into fanny pack*
*roller skates off into a lamp post*
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) May 9, 2016
Especially if you see clown makeup on the counter.
If you're staying at someone's house and there's plastic sheeting in the shower, politely create a reason to flee.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) October 6, 2016
You’ll need other attractions if you want to turn a profit, though.
Getting your ducks in a row is so last year, I'm teaching mine the choreography to "U Can't Touch This."
— CatherineLMK (@CatherineLMK) September 26, 2016
Every corn maze needs a scarecrow and scarecrows need scarves. Like a plethora of scarves.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) September 29, 2016
Okay?
The wizard at the truck stop says we’re white blood cells rushing to a wound in a murdered universe. Pass it on.
— Spoopy Pete Mandik (@petemandik) March 29, 2016
And with a flip of her hair, she floated above the rows and strode triumphantly out of the maze.
I got upset about something today & suddenly, the wind picked up & leaves were flying off the trees so I guess I'm a witch or whatever.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 28, 2016
Same.
I believe the phrase you're looking for is "Delightful, yet terrifying."
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) September 27, 2016
Who said that?
Real friends don't question your mental instability, they just roll with it.
— LTB (@_Tempo11) September 23, 2016
You think she’s joking, but you’re trapped in a maze and you don’t want this to go down.
Shut up and tell me I'm pretty before I ruin your whole fucking day
— Pugnado (@LuvPug) September 21, 2016
Tinker Tailor Soldier Maze Runner?
Sorry I called your son by the wrong 18th century village occupation.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 30, 2016
What’s up with the past tense?
Remember when you were young & believed the world to be a basically good place but it turned out you were just clinically insane?
— ∀LLEY C∀T (@deardilettante) July 11, 2016
Especially when you’re trapped on the inside.
It's what's inside that nobody gives a fuck about.
— Mrs Fancy Pants (@MrsFancyPants77) October 4, 2016
Eventually it happens to all of us.
[eulogy]
He died as he lived, except for the breathing part— It's a Vabpire. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) September 18, 2016
You know what’s good for chopping down corn stalks?
Living in the Middle Ages would require a broader skill set, including dexterity with broadswords and battle axes to achieve outcomes
— DonQuickOats (@DonQuickoats) September 24, 2016
And what’s good for launching pumpkins.
But officer, that's just my medicinal catapult.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) August 18, 2016
Of course, then they won’t use their really long necks to help you see your way out of the maze.
Little known fact: most zoos will let you slap a giraffe in the face if you bring your own ladder and slapping glove.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) October 5, 2016
She remained forever haunted by the medieval corn maze and the harrowing journey through it.
Maybe I'm trying to relax in the tub. Maybe I'm hoping I drown. Hard to say.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) August 14, 2016
He calls out to his bride, asking how much longer she’s going to be in the tub.
Poseidon, sitting in front of the tv, eating a plate of spaghetti with his trident.
— spaceghoul (@iamspacegirl) March 2, 2016
He should’ve asked for directions out or gotten out the map or something.
[Me, getting murdered]
"Oh, come on. You're not even doing it right. Here, let me show you."— Jess is Spooky (@jessokfine) March 1, 2015
We emerge, dirt and corn silk hanging from our clothes, harried and weary. Regardless, we’ve fought our way out. The glass remains half-empty, awaiting a refill and we oblige ourselves, for we’ve earned it. It’s fall, the pumpkins are stalking, and we must remain vigilant, especially in case the murder clown from which we narrowly escaped catches up. Fortunately, he didn’t really seem that into it.
I am so averagely into you, it's semi crazy
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) October 4, 2016
