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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 58

Twitter

You’re getting to be so big.

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On July 15, 2006, a bird was born. This wasn’t just any bird, but one with unlimited potential, one that could share breaking news and information with lightning-fast speed. This revolutionary bird was going to change the way we interacted with one another, from anonymously calling each other names to sharing dick jokes far and wide.

Okay, maybe that wasn’t the original intent, but things have a way of taking on a life of their own, especially things on the Internet. As such, here we are, making the most of life, pwning people far and wide, and seizing the opportunities before us. People are looking at our profiles, after all.


Before Twitter, it was harder to share such exciting news, as well as market your skills.


It does have disadvantages, though, particularly with regard to productivity.


On the other hand, it’s great for picking up parenting tips.


And finding like-minded individuals who share your hobbies.


I mean you could use Pinterest for your hobbies, but c’mon.


Because “Jurassic Park” isn’t scientifically possible. Take that noise over to Pinterest.


But it’s also how you live. Now get off the Internet and reach for the sky!


Another benefit is it allows you to make friends with people who are probably actually humans and not bots, though no guarantees.


Is rainwater fair-trade? Let’s crowdsource this.


Technology may change, but there’s really nothing new under the sun.


What if I were to tell you there’s an app you can use to closely approximate doing just that?


Too bad there wasn’t another way for him to express his frustration.


Sometimes, though, we find heroes.


And people say the Internet and social media are destroying culture.


Seems to me like she was trying to be helpful, if a little analog in a digital world.


And type in all caps. Don’t forget that part.


Like I was saying, high culture remains.


The highest of high culture even.


Not all technological advances are really advances, though. Some are just terrible.


But does he have an account?


I’m not sure what her complaint is, but at least she’s got a place to air it.


So is she saying this is a bad thing or nah? I’m generally against chasing dreams, but this one seems worthwhile.


Wait, is this something from a dream?


This wouldn’t happen if he were raising wolves.


It’s not just the culture complaints, but people also claim there’s nothing useful on twitter dot com. That simply isn’t true.


Hey, babe, what if I were to show you a giant time-suck of an app.


You know, you could just send a picture. There’s a little bird that can help.


Dolphins are the wisest of sea creatures.


Nobody tell her about the ones that ride tiny water skis.


Especially if she’s dreaming about squirrels or dolphins or giant tater tots.


To sleep right after waking up, perchance to dream.


It’s decorated with tiny kung fu fighters and is perfect at the park or for drinking vodka in the morning.


They say we’re our own worst critics.


“If you experience tumescence lasting longer than this song, you may want to contact a doctor.”


She needs to learn the power of positive thinking.


I have good news. You’ve found exactly the right place for that. Now get out there and get mad.


Get really mad and tell the world.


Happy anniversary, Twitter. May you continue to thrive, or at least stop shedding users and be sold to a company that knows how to run a business. For without this platform, we’d be forced to stand on street corners with cardboard signs, yelling inane things into the ether, and that’s not good for anyone. No, we need the purpose that we find here, in this most logical of places, where everyone knows our name and it all makes sense.