On July 15, 2006, a bird was born. This wasn’t just any bird, but one with unlimited potential, one that could share breaking news and information with lightning-fast speed. This revolutionary bird was going to change the way we interacted with one another, from anonymously calling each other names to sharing dick jokes far and wide.
Okay, maybe that wasn’t the original intent, but things have a way of taking on a life of their own, especially things on the Internet. As such, here we are, making the most of life, pwning people far and wide, and seizing the opportunities before us. People are looking at our profiles, after all.
Stranded on a desert island, a bottle drifts ashore. Inside, a message: "Add Bob, Marie, and Frank to your LinkedIn network!"
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) July 7, 2016
Before Twitter, it was harder to share such exciting news, as well as market your skills.
Yeah but how many of you can say you've managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
— MF FairyPrincessSmoo (@Smooheed) July 7, 2016
It does have disadvantages, though, particularly with regard to productivity.
I wish my insomnia was as productive as making bombs out of soap and blowing up credit card companies.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) July 1, 2016
On the other hand, it’s great for picking up parenting tips.
Sorry I keep quoting The Art of War but I take Candyland very seriously, son.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) July 6, 2016
And finding like-minded individuals who share your hobbies.
misdirected anger? no idea what you're talking about, it's normal to punch a flower
— snowjob (@canadasandra) June 29, 2016
I mean you could use Pinterest for your hobbies, but c’mon.
Newborn babies with hair are so weird. They're like potatoes with tiny wigs on them, not unlike my precious potato children
— fly boy (@ocean_jail) July 8, 2016
Because “Jurassic Park” isn’t scientifically possible. Take that noise over to Pinterest.
Reenacting Jurassic Park with your dinosaur chicken nuggets does not make you a paleontologist.Or so I was just told during this interview
— Unrefined Suga (@wickedsuga) April 22, 2016
But it’s also how you live. Now get off the Internet and reach for the sky!
I'm drunk and on a trampoline and this might be how I die
— Cam (@GinAndJif) June 27, 2016
Another benefit is it allows you to make friends with people who are probably actually humans and not bots, though no guarantees.
As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.
— Doktor J (@doktorj) July 5, 2016
Is rainwater fair-trade? Let’s crowdsource this.
Some rainwater fell into my coffee cup and a new hipster drink was born.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) July 4, 2016
Technology may change, but there’s really nothing new under the sun.
THAGATHA: Og, you go hunt today? OG, who is my caveman ancestor: *shy* Uhhh, no wife. Og use bird to send dick jokes to strangers.
— Nictitating Manbrain (@robotmouthfarts) July 14, 2016
What if I were to tell you there’s an app you can use to closely approximate doing just that?
I WISH IT WAS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE TO PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE FACE WITH NO RECOURSE LIKE IN MOVIES
— Hand Solo™ (@RdrJay47) July 8, 2016
Too bad there wasn’t another way for him to express his frustration.
This Jason guy seems really pissed about not making the hockey team.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) June 29, 2016
Sometimes, though, we find heroes.
Leave no man behind, I whisper as I thread the 50th grocery bag onto my arms.
— Los (@LosLos__) April 2, 2015
And people say the Internet and social media are destroying culture.
*Shreds 'Stairway To Heaven' on the harpsichord**Gets hit in the face by a thrown petticoat*
— Summertime Buc (@BucMarvin) March 31, 2016
Seems to me like she was trying to be helpful, if a little analog in a digital world.
I'm sorry I brought a Ouija board to your father's wake.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) July 5, 2016
And type in all caps. Don’t forget that part.
Sometimes I just laugh and remember I'm just meat that can yell.
— ☆ Petote ☆ (@Petote) July 8, 2016
Like I was saying, high culture remains.
A rude text that started a floodA litany of cuss words unfurledHere once an embattled wife stoodAnd fired the "K" heard round the world.
— That Girl (@myonlymizztake) July 1, 2016
The highest of high culture even.
CW: Are you flexible?Me: *Does Van Damme splits between two desks.CW: No, I mean, is your calendar flexible? Me: No!
— BornHusky (@dlockw21) October 6, 2015
Not all technological advances are really advances, though. Some are just terrible.
When people walk by you talking on their Bluetooth but you don't know so you answer & feel deep, deep shame, it's okay to stab those people.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) July 4, 2016
But does he have an account?
Him: So are you married?Me: Married? As in, real life? *thinks of mannequin husband at home*
— BarStar (@elynnbarlow) July 7, 2016
I’m not sure what her complaint is, but at least she’s got a place to air it.
I said: Get the kids readyHe heard: Dress them in literally anything. Put the baby in a clown suit. Use boats for sandals. Life isn't real
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 6, 2016
So is she saying this is a bad thing or nah? I’m generally against chasing dreams, but this one seems worthwhile.
If I "follow my dreams", I'll just end up running around town naked, looking for a giant singing tater tot.
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) July 10, 2016
Wait, is this something from a dream?
I don't have baby picturesWolves don't know how to operate cameras or pay Sears to do it
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) July 10, 2016
This wouldn’t happen if he were raising wolves.
I'll protect the family from anyone who comes within 100yds of the house. OMG, IS THAT A BALLOON?! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!- my dog
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 2, 2016
It’s not just the culture complaints, but people also claim there’s nothing useful on twitter dot com. That simply isn’t true.
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) May 6, 2015
Hey, babe, what if I were to show you a giant time-suck of an app.
"I'm bored," she threatened
— majesticminge (@majesticminge) February 14, 2016
You know, you could just send a picture. There’s a little bird that can help.
[networking]GUY: whoa, you have a firm handshake!ME: buddy, that's not the only firm thing I haveGUY: *tries to pull away but I hold on*
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) July 6, 2016
Dolphins are the wisest of sea creatures.
I bet dolphins dream about being able to go on vacation and walk with us.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 9, 2016
Nobody tell her about the ones that ride tiny water skis.
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
— Doughnuts & Tiaras (@AmnesiaRose) April 8, 2016
Especially if she’s dreaming about squirrels or dolphins or giant tater tots.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
— Miss Oppo Taco (@LMLMadness) July 12, 2016
To sleep right after waking up, perchance to dream.
"It's always Russia somewhere" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) June 28, 2016
It’s decorated with tiny kung fu fighters and is perfect at the park or for drinking vodka in the morning.
Oh this? This here's my fightin' sundress.
— Rachel (@Rachelnoise) October 21, 2015
They say we’re our own worst critics.
[interview]Int: So we'll just call your referencesMe*answers phone*: Him? Oh no way, he's a weird compulsive liar*click*Me: How'd I do?
— Rollman (@Rollmaninoz) July 14, 2016
“If you experience tumescence lasting longer than this song, you may want to contact a doctor.”
It's only a matter of time before we hear Stairway to Heaven on a commercial for Viagra…
— Olive Ann Bachman (@offbeatoliv) July 2, 2016
She needs to learn the power of positive thinking.
So much trouble, so little time to get into it all.
— Mrs Fancy Pants (@MrsFancyPants77) June 11, 2016
I have good news. You’ve found exactly the right place for that. Now get out there and get mad.
But getting annoyed with someone for things that in no way directly affect me is kind of my jam
— Juliet Actually (@julietactually) July 14, 2016
Get really mad and tell the world.
*dials 800 number*Yankee Candle?I like to lodge a complaint. My "Ends of Days" scented candle did not smell like brimstone & I'm still here
— Beatriz (@wittwitbarista) July 6, 2016
Happy anniversary, Twitter. May you continue to thrive, or at least stop shedding users and be sold to a company that knows how to run a business. For without this platform, we’d be forced to stand on street corners with cardboard signs, yelling inane things into the ether, and that’s not good for anyone. No, we need the purpose that we find here, in this most logical of places, where everyone knows our name and it all makes sense.
I do not, I repeat, I do not know what is going on here
— NancyPants (@nancy_yogapants) June 1, 2016