IN CLEVELAND, July 4, 2016.
The majority Declaration of Conservatives, Republicans, and victory-minded RINOS,
When in the Course of electoral events, it becomes necessary for one constituency to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the Party, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Principle and of Electability entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind as expressed in RealClearPolitics polling averages, require that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, including American citizens of Spanish Heritage and Moslem Faith, and women who are less than Tens, yea even the flat-chested, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Sanity, Principle, and the hope of Victory.
—That to secure these rights, Parties are instituted among Men and Women, at least those Women who qualify as Sixes or higher — we did, after all, flee England in search of a more perfect Union; deriving their just ballot station from the ongoing consent of the Members,
—That whenever any Nominee becomes so destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Party to alter such Nominee, and to institute a new one, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect Principle and Victory. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Nominees duly established should not be changed for light and transient causes. But when a long train of abuses and flip-flops, insults and inanities, falsehoods and deceptions, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to render their Principles meaningless, and the prospect of Victory a mirage, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Nominee, and to provide new Guards for their future security.
—Such has been the patient sufferance of these Members; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Nominee. The history of the present Nominee is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absurd Tyranny over this Party, without Principle or prospect of Victory. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world, including both the blogosphere and cable news:
He has refused his Assent to basic conservative Principles, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Party from engaging Voters of immediate and pressing importance, including those of Spanish Heritage and Moslem Faith, and he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has failed to raise, or attempt to raise, the necessary Funds to conduct a successful campaign.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by unfairly criticizing those who exercise Judiciary powers for reasons both despicable and deceptive.
He has threatened to intimidate Judges based on their Heritage.
He has failed to provide a basic Accounting of his finances.
He has repeatedly misused the power of the State to deprive others of their Property.
He has repeatedly abused the laws of Commerce by forsaking his moral and ethical duty to recompense his Debts, fairly incurred.
He has Deceived students with the false promise of riskless Wealth and Prosperity.
He has roasted steaks of only middling Succulence, contrary to culinary standards existing since time immemorial.
He has charged others with serious Crimes, without bases in Law or Fact, reducing his Credibility and incurring much Mockery and Disrepute for the Party:
That the father of a Senator Murdered a former president:
That a wife of a former president Murdered her husband’s barrister:
That the current president was born in a foreign land:
That the current president supports the Union’s Enemies and allows it to Murder and Maim within our borders:
That thousands of Citizens of Moslem Faith cheered ghastly Attacks on the Union.
He has promised to erect a multitude of New Tariffs, to raise prices for basic goods on the people.
He has affected to render his Personality superior to the power of the people and the Party.
He has combined with others to subject us to principles foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our Members:
For enacting price controls on Wages:
For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent, after heretofore promising to lower Taxes:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of an Independent Judiciary:
For criticizing, harassing, and badgering many in the Party for pretended offences:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Principles, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our beliefs.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated insult and injury. A Nominee whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Nominee. We have warned him from time to time of attempts by his acts to extend an unwarrantable electoral climate over us. We have reminded him of the circumstances of our Party, Purpose, and Principle. We have appealed to his native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred and beliefs to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. He has been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold him an Adversary in the Election, in Peace Friends.
We, therefore, the Representatives of the Party, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of this Party, solemnly publish and declare, That this United Party is, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of its Nominee; that its Members are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Nominee, and that all political connection between them and the Nominee, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Members, they have full Power to nominate a more Principled and Stable leader to appeal on Ballots, participate in Debates, appear in Advertisements, and to do all other Acts which Nominees may of right do, in order to lead the Party to Victory. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, and the goodwill of the RNC and associated super-PACs, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor, and deliver to the former Nominee this message: You’re Fired.