Gird your loins, America: On Thursday, the United Kingdom will vote upon whether to leave the European Union. Everyone’s worked up into a good old-fashioned tizzy about the whole thing, but what of the quieter tizzy that percolates stateside? I’m talking, of course, about a “Texit,” the long-muttered-about idea in which the great state of Texas would secede from the U.S. of A.
“Texas nationalists,” as Fox News reported on Monday, are “keeping close tabs on impending ‘Brexit’ vote.” Secession “narrowly failed to make it to a floor vote” at the Texas state GOP convention, as the U.K.’s Guardian points out, so it’s not exactly at the top of the state’s priority list. But hey: Thousands upon thousands of people are moving to Texas each year, and if the Lone Star State ever does secede, it might get tougher to get your foot in the door! Should you panic and jump-start the process?
In the name of service journalism, I dusted off the notes from my painfully boring “Methods In The Social Sciences” class in graduate school to craft a highly scientific “Should You Move to Texas?” quiz.* Continue below to see if you should take the plunge.
Are You Ready to Move to Texas?
Texas has a “national beer” (Lone Star), a “national magazine” (Texas Monthly), and sells, at least by my rough estimate, at least 40,000 Texas-shaped waffle makers a year. Is this:
- Ridiculous (-50 points)
- Amazing (+50 points)
- Mmm, waffles (0 points, but, to your credit, you are technically correct)
It is 89 degrees and sunny outside. It is:
- GOOD HEAVENS I DON’T KNOW IT’S SO HOT I CAN’T THINK OR EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE AND SERIOUSLY I MIGHT DIE RIGHT HERE AND NOW (-30 points)
- April (+10 points)
When you meet people from Texas, and they simply won’t shut up about how great Texas is, what is your reaction?
- Silently plot your escape (-5 points)
- Silently imagine punching them (-50 points)
- Stay silent in bemusement (0 points)
- “You know, I think they might be on to something!” (+50 points)
Which parts of Texas are good?
- Ugh, only Austin. If I moved to Texas, I would never leave the Austin city limits. It’s the Next Brooklyn™! (-50,000 points)
- If I’m five minutes from an In-N-Out Burger or a Shake Shack, I guess I’m okay. (-50 points)
- Ha! This is a trick question. Every square foot of Texas is the best place in America. Also, Pittsburgh is obviously the new Brooklyn, duh. (+100 points)
True or False: The bigger the truck, the closer to God.
- True (+10 points)
- False (-5 points)
Why do you want to move to Texas?
- Well, my apartment is 500 square feet and costs $50,000 a month to rent in my blue state, so I kind of have to move to a red state. But don’t worry! I’ll still vote for blue-state economic policies when I move there! (-1,000,000 points)
- Why wouldn’t I move to Texas? It’s God’s country! (+100 points)
- I’m friendly, plus I like fun and freedom and low taxes and tacos. (+50 points)
Speaking of tacos, are you ready to eat more tacos in one year than you have ever eaten in your adult life?
- That’s probably impossible, ma’am. I eat tacos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. (+25 points, plus an additional 10 bonus points for the “ma’am”)
- Sign me up! (+25 points)
- Even for breakfast? (-50 points)
True story: I recently bought a snake gun, which is a revolver armed with special ammo designed to kill things like poisonous snakes in the wild. When I went to the store to buy a snake gun, the clerk immediately knew exactly what I was talking about, and promptly showed me the most popular snake-killing gun in the store. “This one’s been selling like crazy,” he told me, a gleam in his eye. Is this:
- Wicked awesome (+50)
- Kind of alarming, but hey, I’ll admit it: It’s also slightly intriguing. (+25)
- Horrifying! In what kind of nightmarish nightmare-scape do you people dwell? (-20)
Put your political feelings regarding George W. Bush aside for a moment. How does this photo, of the former president clearing brush at his Crawford ranch, make you feel?
- Strangely energized (+20 points)
- Strangely fatigued (-20 points)
- READY TO GO CLEAR SOME CEDAR! WHERE ARE MY SNAKE BOOTS? (+100 points)
Speaking of feelings, how do you feel about taxidermy?
- Well, Heather, now that you mention it, I’m actually scrolling through this online quiz using the fingertips of Bocephus, a formerly alive coyote who is mounted in my office with bendable coyote arms. He is normally posed to look like he’s about to attack a giant red-tailed hawk. (+50 points)
- I’m not into it personally, but if you are, that’s cool, man. (+50 points)
- I personally vandalized the home of that dentist who shot Cecil the Lion, why do you ask? (-150 points)
Is this a good song?
- Yes (+20 points)
- Meh (-5 points)
- Wow, I appreciate how you subtly tied in the themes of London and leaving into a piece about Texas on the week of the Brexit vote. High five! (0 points, but thank you.)
- No, I only listen to Kraftwerk and undiscovered late ’90s ska. (-100 points)
When you move to Texas, you will undoubtedly be invited to an event that features only red meat, a big pile of fluffy white bread, and no vegetables in sight except for maybe a mysterious potato salad/coleslaw amalgamation. How do you feel about this?
- Be right back, booking my ticket to San Antonio. (+50)
- Is there multigrain bread available? A salad? Whatever. I could learn to like it. (+10)
- No can do. (-20)
- Didn’t you know? I’m allergic to sub-gluten, which is a sub-sub-sensitivity to gluten. You may not have heard of this yet, but my local artisanal bakery is all over it. (-50)
Imagine: Your local high school football stadium is bigger than Mars. Is this:
- Oddly endearing. (+50 points)
- A little over the top, but hey, it’s Texas. (+5 points)
- I think a vein in my head just exploded. (-30 points)
If you move to Texas, eventually you will begin saying “y’all” on a regular basis, and maybe even “all y’all,” if you don’t already. In a single GIF, how does this make you feel?
- (+50 points)
- (+20 points)
- (-20 points)
- (-100 points)
Which one of these people, each of whom is pointing to distract you, is NOT a famous Texan?
Bonus question: Who is this man?
- THE GLORIOUS COACH ERIC TAYLOR FROM “FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS,” THAT’S WHO (+20 points)
- Kyle Chandler, national treasure. (+20 points)
- That’s the guy from “Bloodline,” right? (0 points)
- Hey, he was in “The Wolf of Wall Street”! (0 points)
Congratulations! You have completed the “Are You Ready To Move To Texas” quiz! If you scored more than 600 points, you should immediately move to Texas. If you scored between 400 and 600, you might seriously contemplate your future in the Lone Star State. If you scored below 50, seriously, I just don’t know what to say.
*Also, despite my giddy claims to the contrary, this was not a highly scientific quiz. To tell you the truth, I didn’t bother to get out my notebook from “Methods In The Social Sciences.” I don’t even remember where that notebook is! As a disclaimer, this quiz does not reflect the views of every single Texan who lives in Texas. On scoring accuracy, terms and conditions may apply. If you became crabby or huffy in any way while reading this quiz, please deduct another 500 points from your score. Thank you, and happy trails!