News 2017: Nation Fractures In Fourths

News 2017: Nation Fractures In Fourths

DEDEDO, Guam (The Future)—Following the presidential nomination disasters in July 2016, the country fractured. Four new nations emerged. The former United States is now divided between Hillary Clinton supporters, Bernie Sanders supporters, Donald Trump supporters, and “real” conservatives. Also, everyone decided to just let John Kasich keep Ohio.

Socialist States of the West Caucus with Democrats

Sanders and his supporters fled to the West, with Sanders giving himself the title of prime minister. They established the SSWCD in the former states of Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, and Arizona. The Sanders supporters stuck in the Northeast found safe passage to the West through Canada.

Rumors still swirl that the SSWCD will buy at least the western half of Canada. Justin Trudeau seems unwilling to sell, saying “they’ll have to offer more than just free tuition.”

Despite featuring a 75-year-old leader, the SSWCD enjoys a citizenry averaging 24 years old. Its economy runs almost entirely on non-profits.

The Trumpfederate States of America

Trump led the secession of the Deep South after losing the presidential nomination at the Republican convention. He gave naming rights to the newly formed country. Trump crowned himself King Cotton, saying “it was great alliteration, the best.” TSA’s African-American population dwindled after Trump began following @jamescrowrules on Twitter. His first act as king was to make abortion both illegal and mandatory.

The New Republic of Texas

Greg Abbott, Rick Perry, and Ben Sasse created the New Republic of Texas, issuing a statement that said “We’ve always kind of wanted to do this anyway.” This oligarchy offered statehood and citizenship to “all states whose land fell under the Louisiana Purchase and to anyone who loves freedom and breakfast tacos.” Arkansas, Missouri, and Louisiana opted to join the TSA, citing the need to associate with “those of similar obesity rates.” The new republic brought in Utah as a replacement. Marco Rubio became governor of Minnesota. Ted Cruz became mayor of the capital city, New Nixontown.

Austin residents attempted, but failed, to band together and flee to Sanders’ territory. They couldn’t leave the city on account of “horrible traffic,” claiming “no one has ever experienced bad traffic like this, you just don’t know what it’s like. It’s really bad traffic. Like, seriously, it’s terrible.”

The Atlantic States of America

President of the Atlantic States Hillary Clinton took the oath of office in January, despite claims from supporters that the oath had been rendered unnecessary. Clinton insisted on taking it, saying “I need this.” Clinton keeps asking people refer to her as “queen,” which she says is a fun little joke. However, no one in her employ can explain why “queen” keeps appearing in official documents. Nor why she often scratches out “Washington DC” and writes “Clintontown ;).”

Census takers describe the Atlantic States population as “positively Lilith Fairian.” The First Gentleman has moved South.

Brian Willett is a Federalist senior contributor and the publisher of fwd, a daily tech newsletter. He tweets sporadically @brianjwillett
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