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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 34

Children are the future and this truth is terrifying.


Kids are really incredible. Their natural curiosity and energy know no bounds. It’s a magical thing to witness, that growth from newborn to walking-and-talking babble machines, the transformation from helpless and cute little chubby cheeks and thighs to the awful person standing next to your bed at 5 a.m. asking why crackers are crumbly.

It’s really an excellent question, though. Probably because people are obsessed with gluten, which is apparently the most delicious substance on earth. At least a kid asking about crackers isn’t doing this.

Better than asking why modern crackers are inferior, tbh.

I’m not seeing what the problem is here. This kid is both loyal and innovative.

Eventually, our loyalty wanes and this happens.

It’s terrible, because moms put up with things like this.

Based on the sounds I hear from the living room while my wife is getting them dressed and I’m in bed, they do this.

Without kids, though, we’d never get to experience things like this.

This is why you should go for whiskey when having play dates. It fights the germs with more gusto.

Unless, as shown above, there’s liquor and other parents. In that case it becomes less of a lie. Slightly less of a lie. Very slightly.

You did insist he spend time with the kids.

You know how a minute ago I mentioned my wife dressing the kids? Starting Monday, I have to get the three-year-old out of the house. Yay!

This is true, but better not to hold back and raise weaklings.

Is this really any different than lying about Santa Claus?

Disappointment continues right on into adulthood.

Before man colds and children and disappointment and wonder comes courtship. Make it magical.

Imbue your evenings with a sense of mystery and whimsy.

Look to be a source of inspiration to those around you.

And don’t be shy.

Be daring, bold, and take your date to do unexpected things.

You can wait for perfection or you can take a risk and work for it. I recommend the latter, but this may be going too far.

On the other hand, don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Watch out for pedants.

And don’t forget that you may find love in unexpected places.

Remember, the classics never go out of style.

Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” playing softly in the distance.

He’ll be back. Put a tiny boom box in the doll’s hands.

But can we also discuss hits from the ’80s?

Then, after a few years, you can end up with a hardcore progeny such as this.

He may grow up to be president.

Jake has my vote.

Before growing up and presidential campaigns, there will be parties. So many parties. You have to learn to be discriminating.

This conversation seems…familiar.

Maybe he’s planning a birthday party?

Want to get out of parties? Try this.

Mamas don’t let babies grow up to wear Axe Body Spray.

Of course, it’s easy to complain, but the ending is way more frightening.

Way, way more frightening.

It started with the milk-spilling incident.

Before you give up, look for hope in unexpected places.

Make sure you’re livin’. L-I-V-I-N.

Make sure you have plans in place so your final wishes are honored.

Don’t go out before your time, though. Eat healthy. Tree bacon, for example, is tasty and a good free-range, organic source of lean protein.

Plus tree bacon doesn’t require extreme steps such as this.

Wait, I thought we ate insects, not squirrels, in our sleep, but one can dream.

My plans for world domination are proceeding similarly, but I remain optimistic. I’ve got some plans, I’m making things happen.

Or maybe I should just try this. It’s easier given the amount of time the kids occupy.

Now, it’s time to make the donuts. I mean it’s time to conquer the world. To once again make the name Cromwell great again, as in Lord Cromwell. Of course, Lord Protector Richard Cromwell was quickly banished from the United Kingdom, so from a naming perspective, I am not poised for success. Also, given the way the world works, this is a much more likely fate for me. At least I won’t have to clean up after my kids.