Kids are really incredible. Their natural curiosity and energy know no bounds. It’s a magical thing to witness, that growth from newborn to walking-and-talking babble machines, the transformation from helpless and cute little chubby cheeks and thighs to the awful person standing next to your bed at 5 a.m. asking why crackers are crumbly.
It’s really an excellent question, though. Probably because people are obsessed with gluten, which is apparently the most delicious substance on earth. At least a kid asking about crackers isn’t doing this.
This morning my 4yo put on a one man show of Goldilocks & The 3 Bears beside my bed at 5am. Have kids, they said. It'll be fun, they said.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 16, 2016
Better than asking why modern crackers are inferior, tbh.
Me: [in shower] WHAT'RE YOU GUYS DOING? 6yo: EATING TOAST M: YOU'RE USING THE TOASTER?! 6: IT'S NOT TOASTED M: SO JUST BREAD? 6: YUP M
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 18, 2016
I’m not seeing what the problem is here. This kid is both loyal and innovative.
My son's dead fish is in the freezer so when the ground thaws we can bury it in the backyard with his 2 other dead fish. In the yard. FISH
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 20, 2016
Eventually, our loyalty wanes and this happens.
"Yes, long time listener first time caller…" - Me finally calling my mom back
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 16, 2016
It’s terrible, because moms put up with things like this.
Kid: What's this? Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin? M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch? M: …
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) March 23, 2015
Based on the sounds I hear from the living room while my wife is getting them dressed and I’m in bed, they do this.
I'm just saying if they ever bring back cruel and unusual punishment, they could send prisoners to my house to get my kids ready for school.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 14, 2016
Without kids, though, we’d never get to experience things like this.
I'm not saying I'm a magician, but I turned a "play date" into a "watching the NFL playoffs with another dad while drinking beer date"
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 18, 2016
This is why you should go for whiskey when having play dates. It fights the germs with more gusto.
I treat my relationship with 6 as toxic. Seriously, he and his little petri dish friends had damn well better stay away from me.
— Keep Meh & Carry On (@TheAlexNevil) January 15, 2016
Unless, as shown above, there’s liquor and other parents. In that case it becomes less of a lie. Slightly less of a lie. Very slightly.
"My favorite thing to do on the weekend is spend time with my kids," lied the lying liar.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 18, 2016
You did insist he spend time with the kids.
My husband has a cold. So if you need me, I'll be wading into the ocean with rocks on my feet.
— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 16, 2016
You know how a minute ago I mentioned my wife dressing the kids? Starting Monday, I have to get the three-year-old out of the house. Yay!
My toddler picks out his clothes like he's selecting an outfit for the Met Gala.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 20, 2016
This is true, but better not to hold back and raise weaklings.
Pro Tip: infants are really bad at dodgeball.
— Chocolate Moose (@moose_chocolate) January 16, 2016
Is this really any different than lying about Santa Claus?
My daughters weren't paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 17, 2016
Disappointment continues right on into adulthood.
Him: I got you a special toy, baby Me: A lightsaber! Him: It's a dild-STOP HITTING ME SO HARD WITH IT Me: Why won't it cut off your hand?
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) December 19, 2014
Before man colds and children and disappointment and wonder comes courtship. Make it magical.
—save the date— We met at the Econo-Lodge Burbank. We fell in love when we caught a feral pig. Join us for the next part of our journey.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 21, 2016
Imbue your evenings with a sense of mystery and whimsy.
*date leans in* Tell me something I don't know about you. *I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) November 5, 2015
Look to be a source of inspiration to those around you.
Am I your muse? I've always wanted to be someone's muse. (I said to the homeless man playing the air guitar)
— Aimee Helene (@AimeeHelene1) January 11, 2016
And don’t be shy.
All the guys at this club must be too shy to ask if I'm single so I'll just stand here screaming it at them.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) November 28, 2015
Be daring, bold, and take your date to do unexpected things.
Me: this is where the magic happens [opens door revealing grandpa chained to radiator] Date: OMG Me: PULL A COIN FROM BEHIND HER EAR OLD MAN
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) November 29, 2015
You can wait for perfection or you can take a risk and work for it. I recommend the latter, but this may be going too far.
So, I'm officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We're planning a June wedding!
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) December 26, 2015
On the other hand, don’t settle for less than you deserve.
He complimented my grammar and punctuation. He could be the one.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 18, 2016
Watch out for pedants.
If you really loved me, you'd stop correcting my grammar.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 19, 2016
And don’t forget that you may find love in unexpected places.
She's a genderfluid grad student studying neo-feminism, he's a Gamergate troll with a heart of gold. This fall on CBSJW: The Comment Section
— jerm (@JermHimselfish) January 18, 2016
Remember, the classics never go out of style.
Have you tried standing in her yard with a boom box over your head?
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 22, 2014
Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” playing softly in the distance.
Well, well, well…if it isn't my old friend temptation.
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 15, 2016
He’ll be back. Put a tiny boom box in the doll’s hands.
Oh sure, I make one little voodoo doll and now suddenly you want to see other people
— Dumb Beezie (@dumbbeezie) January 19, 2016
But can we also discuss hits from the ’80s?
The other side is going to bed, let's discuss witchcraft.
— posthuman (@krispythehuman) January 21, 2016
Then, after a few years, you can end up with a hardcore progeny such as this.
my friend's 4yo just offered me a spider sandwich. what a goth
— Audrey Porne (@AudreyPorne) January 15, 2016
He may grow up to be president.
If you're just joining us, the president held a press conference and simply said "hell spiders" and we're not sure- ok wow here they come
— viney (@vineyille) January 19, 2016
Jake has my vote.
Before growing up and presidential campaigns, there will be parties. So many parties. You have to learn to be discriminating.
Sorry, we can't make it to your kid's birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. The 2-drink limit is just too childish for us professionals.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 21, 2016
This conversation seems…familiar.
Me *mixing a drink* Wife: it's unhealthy to drink alone. Me: I thought we were having a party? Wife: it's your son's birthday!
— Я. (@iinkedZombie) January 17, 2016
Maybe he’s planning a birthday party?
i need a choreographer right away no time for questions
— Böb Jänke (@Bob_Janke) January 16, 2016
Want to get out of parties? Try this.
If wrestling is fake why didn't my nephew get up for ten minutes after I piledrivered him into a table?
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) January 13, 2016
Mamas don’t let babies grow up to wear Axe Body Spray.
If your doctor smells like Axe Body Spray, you're going to die.
— Bryan With a Why (@doublewenis) January 20, 2016
Of course, it’s easy to complain, but the ending is way more frightening.
Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) October 9, 2015
Way, way more frightening.
Don’t cry over spilled milk. No. Time for a Japanese ritual suicide. You brought shame upon your family. You spilled milk. Die with honor.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) January 20, 2016
It started with the milk-spilling incident.
Actions speak louder than words so here's my interpretive dance of your spectacular meltdown.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) January 18, 2016
Before you give up, look for hope in unexpected places.
Well, things are looking up. According to this email in my spam folder, someone from the current Lybian regime wants to discuss business.
— Vincent Cacklemore (@GrumpiestBadger) January 8, 2016
Make sure you’re livin’. L-I-V-I-N.
Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) January 17, 2016
Make sure you have plans in place so your final wishes are honored.
I selfie so that my funeral video isn't made from the pictures I'm tagged in on Facebook.
— The Eh Factor (@AngelaEhh) May 13, 2015
Don’t go out before your time, though. Eat healthy. Tree bacon, for example, is tasty and a good free-range, organic source of lean protein.
The average human eats roughly 32 squirrels in their sleep a year.
— mrs.peel (@Not_that_mom) January 16, 2016
Plus tree bacon doesn’t require extreme steps such as this.
Some people go 5/2 or Atkins. I do the cancelling method. Ate cookie? An apple cancels it out. Ate a whole cake? Inject some heroin.
— ZARA (@zarascottio) January 20, 2016
Wait, I thought we ate insects, not squirrels, in our sleep, but one can dream.
Try to see the beauty in your dreams, even if you dream about being covered in spiders while on fire. ~inspirational
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) January 13, 2016
My plans for world domination are proceeding similarly, but I remain optimistic. I’ve got some plans, I’m making things happen.
I was born a dictator, my loyal subjects just don't know it yet.
— Brianiac® (@BGH70) January 16, 2016
Or maybe I should just try this. It’s easier given the amount of time the kids occupy.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.
— Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) May 29, 2014
Now, it’s time to make the donuts. I mean it’s time to conquer the world. To once again make the name Cromwell great again, as in Lord Cromwell. Of course, Lord Protector Richard Cromwell was quickly banished from the United Kingdom, so from a naming perspective, I am not poised for success. Also, given the way the world works, this is a much more likely fate for me. At least I won’t have to clean up after my kids.
I know I say a lot of things that you guys might find offensive but if it makes you feel any better, I'm going to die in a re-education camp
— Travis LeBlanc (@TravLeBlanc) January 15, 2016