So far, 2016 hasn’t been the best year. We’ve lost a space oddity and Professor Snape; the man who fell to earth and Hans Gruber. But thanks to the magic of technology, they shall persevere and stay with us. For, if Hollywood has taught us anything, while you can’t really remake the classics (and Bowie and Rickman were classic). They’ll still offer us pale imitations, which is really worse. At least it reminds us of what once was.
I'm pretty bummed about David Bowie. Ice Ice Baby is one of my favorite songs.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) January 11, 2016
*Present-day Tawny Kitaen nods her head in agreement*
Imagine me dancing in a Whitesnake video. Wrong. More slipping off the hood of the car & smacking my head on the pavement.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 13, 2016
Also Van Halen, big hair, and shoulder pads.
What I miss about the 80s was having a president who was actually a good actor
— EnvyDaTropic (@envydatropic) January 13, 2016
Another great thing about the ’80s? The toys.
Biden: I SAID 'WHY DOESN'T WENDY'S HAVE SQUARE BUNS?!' JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, SIRI! Obama: God damn it, Joe, that's a Speak & Spell.
— The Glad Stork (@TheGladStork) January 14, 2016
Of course, this is what life is increasingly like for those of us who remember the best decade.
I ate bananas and milk in a cardigan again. My AARP card should arrive any minute.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) January 6, 2016
Nevertheless, don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years.
I'd like to make a comeback but I never really did anything to begin with.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) March 15, 2012
Even better than chicken soup, plus mama did say to knock someone out.
Rage is good for the soul.
— Special K (@SwirlySkittles) November 2, 2015
Don’t fall for this question. It’s a trap! Plus, how long ‘til they remake this movie and ruin it?
me: "E.T. always looked too clammy for my liking" wife: [looks at me] me: "what" therapist: "something that bothers you about your marriage"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 11, 2016
The force did not awaken upon this discovery.
Terrorist: Die Infidels! *Detonates vest* Allah: All you were told is true *Opens curtain to reveal 72 Middle-Aged Star Wars fans*
— F. Bill McMorris (@FBillMcMorris) January 12, 2016
Maybe wear the gold Princess Leia bikini?
When people say "I'll see you in hell," they never say what time or whether to wear something formal or casual.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 8, 2016
This reboot has potential.
"Hobocop." It's about coming of age story about a homeless guy living in a box solving crimes while wearing a motorcycle helmet.
— Lion Jenkins (@LionJenkins) November 17, 2015
Are they remaking “Fight Club” with the sexes reversed?
*Skidding out of control on an icy patch of road* "This is nice."
— Tartlandia (@SardonicTart) January 12, 2016
When female Tyler Durden starts waking up.
I thought talking to myself was a new low until I didn't answer.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) January 13, 2016
“Then we’ll see you in hell.”
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
— Lyle Kippert (@Kyle_Lippert) April 21, 2014
Few people realized how much of a dark side Winnie had.
My honeypot brings all the bears to my yard, and now I'm all mauled and scarred.
— Ashley (@ashmensch) January 12, 2016
Except for her. She gets it.
my greatest fears: 1. bears 2. bears in trucks 3. bears on boats 4. bear wearing a vest pretending to be my friend greg 5. Abandonment
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) January 14, 2015
I don’t support this idea. Pandas are close to geese in terms of awfulness.
i bet pandas wish they could go out to dinner occasionally they're already dressed fancy but to feel important
— BB (@BookishBunny) January 10, 2016
Dear eagle: Listen to him.
Coolest thing today was seeing a bald eagle flying around on base. If only it would do its patriotic duty & kill some Canada geese as well
— 4th Class Officer (@4thClassOfficer) January 14, 2016
Send in the eagles.
Attention Canadians: your geese have all taken up wintery residence in my gazebo and beneath the cape of my life-sized Tad Ghostal statue
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) January 9, 2016
I need to have a conversation with her about geese.
don't even ask me what I think about lizards okay I'll tell you they are weird feety snakes and are also condescending jerks
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) January 19, 2015
He should create a cartoon around this idea. Wait a minute…
(watching documentary on baby turtles) Friend: aren't they cute? Me [crying]: they're like little green throwing stars
— im not mayonnaise (@ThingsJackDigs) January 12, 2016
Why can’t it be both?
Is coral the stupidest animal or the smartest rock
— Ziggy Sawdust (@therealeatwood) January 13, 2016
Bees technically have some redeeming qualities, but since they once tried to kill me, I wholly endorse this statement.
WHY am I afraid of bees? They are evil, angry flying needles!! That's why!!
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) August 21, 2013
This would be a better pet, to be honest.
Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 11, 2014
Seriously, what is up with them?
COWORKER: hey jade, how's your day going? ME: *not looking up from computer* honestly what the fuck is up with eels
— jade (@TheDreamGhoul) June 5, 2015
Let’s ask this kid about eels. It should be entertaining.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
— Bryan With a Why (@doublewenis) January 5, 2016
But the explanation would be really long-winded.
Sorry I won't be able to make your wedding in 2017, but my 5yr old is telling me a joke she made up.
— mrs.peel (@Not_that_mom) January 14, 2016
Still, it’s important to encourage them to express themselves.
*coloring in an adult coloring book* Do you guys think that birds can feel feelings?
— jerm (@JermHimselfish) January 13, 2016
Without it, the future will be deprived of art.
Georgia O'Keefe: it's a vagina Alex Trebek: *violently bewildered* THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER OR THE FORMAT *ding ding* GOK: who is a vagina
— Eyes Wide Butt (@eyeswidebutt) December 31, 2015
One way to get your kid to stop talking.
Telling a child that everyone dies is the hardest thing about being a party clown
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) January 13, 2016
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me? *I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can't remember my son's name
— Keep Meh & Carry On (@TheAlexNevil) January 5, 2016
Being a parent is exhausting. Who can say he hasn’t had this happen to him?
me[gets home from work] I just had to tell 9 to stop sliding off the roof. Why is he so dumb? wife:I don't kn- you have 2 different shoes on
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 7, 2016
You do have to establish dominance from day one.
*first day teaching kindergarten* Look, you don’t like me and I don’t like you
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 8, 2016
If we’re being honest, most of us would do the same.
If I was a dingo I'd eat every baby I came across
— Mr. Hook (@Phook75) January 13, 2016
My favorite German children's story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) August 21, 2014
Weren’t we talking about snakes a second ago?
"I'm turning over a new leaf" -Adam telling Eve that he's seeing another woman
— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) July 10, 2015
This sounds like something a pimp would say, but to one of his girls.
Xcel in the streets Spread in the sheets I'm not good at this.
— Scubavelli™ (@ScubavelliDeux) January 9, 2016
There are better bad spreadsheet analogies than trying this.
Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what
— call me dad |-/ (@TommyWallace) December 15, 2015
This is not how you establish dominance.
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
— chuuch (@ch000ch) November 10, 2014
This is how you establish dominance.
[on a date] …and this is a scar from the time my senile grandma accused me of being a "jive turkey" and cut me during thanksgiving dinner
— Nobody (@SleazySli) January 11, 2016
All she said was do something. You have to be specific in these situations.
Woman in restaurant: "THIS MAN IS CHOKING. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING.." * Stands up. * Slowly turns around. * Takes a selfie.
— Nicole (@_NikkaBee) August 10, 2015
This is what specific instruction looks like.
werewolves – if you're ever in trouble, just shoot a jean jacket out a cannon and I will come for you.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) January 6, 2016
They knew how to be specific.
It was a very confusing time in our lives before Grand Funk Railroad didn't clarify in their song that they were an American band
— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) January 13, 2016
Artists today just don’t get it.
Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) January 14, 2016
Exactly. If you’re not in a zone of danger, you’re doing it wrong.
Kenny Loggins or GTFO
— Sadie Smith 2.0 (@SadieSkyNinja) January 14, 2016
But don’t go too far.
me: no one can hear you scream in space my lawyer: u gotta stop saying weird shit to the judge man
— chuuch (@ch000ch) January 9, 2016
Go just too far enough.
Where was I going with all of this stupidity?
— SHMAGIC (@Rainbow__Tiger) January 8, 2016
And always do it with a song in your heart.
When your friends see that little twinkle in your eye… … and ask, “Are you about to do something stupid?”
— Victoria Sofia (@Ideal_Victoria) January 8, 2016
I’ll take questions not to ask during an interview for $500, Alex.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions? Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
— Amanda Hugnkiss (@caliluvgirl77) January 12, 2016
See, you wait until you’re hired.
Boss: It's almost quitting time. Drinks? Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself. Boss:…
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) November 12, 2014
Booze would never do this to you. Wait, yes it totally would.
HOW MUCH CAFFEINE IS TOO MUCH?!? *crashes into wall
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 9, 2016
People without kids might think she’s joking.
Salesman: What color couch are you looking for today? Me: Wine color S: Can you be more specific? M: Yes. Cabernet.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 11, 2016
Just remember, when drinking, don’t overdo it or you might end up at Waffle House.
I'm THIS MANY drunk!! *holds up waffle*
— Felix Felicis (@LuckoftheDraw86) July 17, 2013
Well, kids, we’ve reached the end of another journey through light and sound, through memory and dreams of better days, through moments when cassettes held our jams and space men and villains simply needed Major Tom and detonators. We could be mad about it or, instead, merely be loud about it. In the age of the Internet, I know what path I’m choosing.
I'm not mad, this is just how I yell.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 26, 2015
Don’t forget that no matter how loud I get, I’m not an idiot, you’re the idiot.
I knew we were going to be friends when you took the time to make sure your insult was grammatically correct.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) January 12, 2016