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This Week In Weird Twitter, Volume 31

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Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to play with her dog. One time it was Christmas Eve. She decided to play with the dog, but there was a problem. The dog ran away. Her mom told her to brush her teeth before bed, and she did. She told her mommy she wanted to find her dog, but her mom told her to go to bed, so she did.

Then it was morning and the little girl said she wanted to go look for her dog. Her mom said okay, but to be home before breakfast. She went out and she found him and then she opened her presents! Then the dog ran away again and mommy told her to go to bed because she needed to get ready for her daddy’s birthday.

It was two days before daddy’s birthday and Madeline (who just showed up) was feeling good. Then it was Christmas again somehow and it was daddy’s birthday and she was getting a lot of toys. More and more and more presents. They celebrated daddy’s birthday at the store. She was going to buy her daddy a present, but she had to go to bed again.


Mistletoe is just a synonym for liquor.


People don’t appreciate art.

Okay.


Not as cool as Christmas lights synched to music, but try living without it.


She’ll think differently about taking him out once Robotic Santa starts his reign of terror.


Given the weight and density of fruitcake, the fire is sorta unnecessary.


Human Resources is actually pretty understanding about this.

You serious, Clark?


I like the way this guy thinks, but first I have to show my kids those movies.


Don’t do this. Use something with more heft than a rake.


Based on the ones I’ve witnessed, they rather enjoy it. Maybe the blades were a present?


*Starts searching for rollerblades on Craigslist*

There’s a new “Star Wars” out, apparently.


Pedantic, but not wrong.


Branded merchandise is really out of control.


Much more to the story there is.


How else will the kid learn to confront fear?

This is a tad more extreme than KISS makeup.


Well, they’re kinda cute sometimes, but this isn’t wrong.


She’s not joking.


If you have kids, you know this also is not a joke.


In his wife’s defense, they do eat quite a bit. And the mess, woo boy, the mess.

They don’t like being ridden. 5/10, would not buy with lottery winnings.


I would definitely never do this. Never. Unrelated, but where can I buy a kiddie pool in December?


Why buy exotic animals when you can just assert your dominance instead?


“In hindsight, petting the lion at the zoo wasn’t the best idea.”


Don’t try this with a lion, though.

It can still mess you up, though.


They eat annoying insects, so it evens out.

This remake of “The Blues Brothers” looks interesting.


Gimme a break. Shrek didn’t have a time machine.


She, on the other hand, might have a time machine. She looks too young to have lived in the ‘70s.

Wait a minute. She has a point.


Nice humblebrag. We’re not all so lucky.


“I want you to him me as hard as you can.”


This fight club isn’t super promising.


Granny would’ve loved it.


His “poetry” was terrible, too.


Actually, he’s a freegan. Wait, spellcheck recognizes freegan as a word? I give up. Eat Arby’s.


Just wait for her album “35.”


Did Jim Morrison have a time machine?


I would let my kids try this and that’s why my wife checks their homework.


Eh, he’s not totally wrong.

I knew this was their actual purpose! Also, tripping me in the morning.


Don’t listen to him. The ‘80s were awesome. We didn’t have participation trophies.


They do say that pposites attract.


Laugh, but she’s not wrong. The cuffs are already cinched.


When applying for a job, highlight your unique skill-set.

Now that he mentions it, Jack’s parents were very unreasonable.


“But you let me pick you up.”


Then this happened.


Dave’s not here, man.


He was asking for it.

He’s a mall Santa, he knows. He knows.


That’s it until 2016. Next Friday is Christmas and I’m taking a day off. Merry Christmas! May your days be filled with kith and kin, happiness and warmth, friends and family, and delicious, delicious booze.