Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved to play with her dog. One time it was Christmas Eve. She decided to play with the dog, but there was a problem. The dog ran away. Her mom told her to brush her teeth before bed, and she did. She told her mommy she wanted to find her dog, but her mom told her to go to bed, so she did.
Then it was morning and the little girl said she wanted to go look for her dog. Her mom said okay, but to be home before breakfast. She went out and she found him and then she opened her presents! Then the dog ran away again and mommy told her to go to bed because she needed to get ready for her daddy’s birthday.
It was two days before daddy’s birthday and Madeline (who just showed up) was feeling good. Then it was Christmas again somehow and it was daddy’s birthday and she was getting a lot of toys. More and more and more presents. They celebrated daddy’s birthday at the store. She was going to buy her daddy a present, but she had to go to bed again.
*setting out whiskey and cheesecake for Santa*
— SpicedGirl Eggnogito (@iamspacegirl) December 4, 2015
Mistletoe is just a synonym for liquor.
How to get with the holiday spirit ~Take holiday spirit out to dinner ~Give holiday spirit too much wine ~Tell holiday spirit she sexy af
— Saucy Krismas (@Book_Krazy) December 11, 2015
People don’t appreciate art.
I don't think my neighbors appreciated me syncing my Christmas lights to 'In The Ghetto'
— Sam Delanche (@samfromks) December 4, 2014
I don't believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it's strictly for pleasure.
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) December 10, 2015
Not as cool as Christmas lights synched to music, but try living without it.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ] Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands! "Toilet paper?!"
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) December 9, 2015
She’ll think differently about taking him out once Robotic Santa starts his reign of terror.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.
— JC Tarp (@jctwritesstuff) December 12, 2015
Given the weight and density of fruitcake, the fire is sorta unnecessary.
CHRISTMAS WARS SOLDIER: Sir! Enemy fortress is within range! CAPTAIN: FIRE! [Flaming fruitcake is hurled from catapult]
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) December 16, 2015
Human Resources is actually pretty understanding about this.
Just had to fist fight my coworker for whistling Xmas carols.
— Jedi Cheesy Grits (@JediGigi) December 7, 2015
You serious, Clark?
I spread good tidings of comfort and joy once. It was horrible.
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) November 30, 2015
I like the way this guy thinks, but first I have to show my kids those movies.
My favorite Christmas Eve tradition is dressing up like Freddy Krueger, just in case the kids wake up while I'm putting together toys.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 17, 2015
Don’t do this. Use something with more heft than a rake.
[attacking a group of santas with a rake] GET OUT OF HERE MY SON STILL THINKS THERE IS ONLY ONE OF YOU
— bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 14, 2015
Based on the ones I’ve witnessed, they rather enjoy it. Maybe the blades were a present?
It makes me sad when I see a man rollerblading all alone.
— Ivsy (@Ivsy01) December 7, 2015
*Starts searching for rollerblades on Craigslist*
*phone rings* SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week? ME: No returns SATAN: Please. It's making me sad
— Hippo (@InternetHippo) December 14, 2015
There’s a new “Star Wars” out, apparently.
Spoilers for the new Star Wars: Snape kills Aerith with Rosebud, which is a sled. Also Bruce Willis was dead the entire time!
— Holiday Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) December 17, 2015
Pedantic, but not wrong.
Um, I think you mean "Planet Wars"
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 20, 2015
Branded merchandise is really out of control.
I think what you're smelling is my new cologne, "Frightened Wookie."
— Rob Cee, Esq. (@TheRobCee) December 15, 2015
Much more to the story there is.
I watched Empire Strikes Back or whatever. sad that Han is a statue now RIP but I liked the goblin who spoke in inspirational quotes
— dream ghoul (@TheDreamGhoul) December 17, 2015
How else will the kid learn to confront fear?
ME: When we married I told you I have to be free to express myself. JIM: But the 4yo is terrified of the KISS makeup- ME: FREE TO BE ME, JIM
— bat-krampus (@batkaren) June 22, 2015
This is a tad more extreme than KISS makeup.
"TEAM DEATHMATCH!" I yell as I drop my son off at daycare, tossing weapons to him & 4 of his friends. Little Tommy will be the first to go.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) December 14, 2015
Well, they’re kinda cute sometimes, but this isn’t wrong.
People are so concerned about children's safety. Have you ever met a children? The worst member of the worst species on earth.
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) December 16, 2015
She’s not joking.
No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 16, 2015
If you have kids, you know this also is not a joke.
Wife: *calls* How is everything going? Me: Don't read anything into this, but how many kids am I supposed to be watching?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) December 14, 2015
In his wife’s defense, they do eat quite a bit. And the mess, woo boy, the mess.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
— Floyd (@dafloydsta) December 16, 2015
They don’t like being ridden. 5/10, would not buy with lottery winnings.
Me: What's wrong with that horse? Zoo Guy: That's a giraffe
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) January 9, 2015
I would definitely never do this. Never. Unrelated, but where can I buy a kiddie pool in December?
Security guard: We know you took that from the enclosure Me: [with a baby seal under my arm] Excuse me? This was a gift from my dead grandma
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) December 15, 2015
Why buy exotic animals when you can just assert your dominance instead?
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you man the fuck up.
— ROYAL TWAT (@HeyJennyConway) February 28, 2013
“In hindsight, petting the lion at the zoo wasn’t the best idea.”
me: [leans into mic] "flapjack.. beehive.. meat wizard" priest: "a few words about the deceased keith" me: "oh"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) December 15, 2015
Don’t try this with a lion, though.
With enough string, loneliness, wine, and determination, any roomba can become a cat homecoming queen float.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) July 17, 2013
It can still mess you up, though.
Did you know that according to FDA regulations a goblin can be labeled as a hobgoblin even if it contains only 3% hob
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) July 12, 2015
They eat annoying insects, so it evens out.
God's Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse's body? I think you're just in a bad mood. God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) September 1, 2015
This remake of “The Blues Brothers” looks interesting.
If I speed by you wearing only jorts, purple hair & roller-skates & I'm pushing a shopping cart, get outta the way, im on a mission from God
— Butthole_Bandito (@Ilovelamp1979) December 14, 2015
Gimme a break. Shrek didn’t have a time machine.
Wife: He's always rewriting the past.. Therapist: is this true? Me: [doesn't hear because I'm typing 'Shrek killed Hitler' into Wikipedia]
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) December 12, 2015
She, on the other hand, might have a time machine. She looks too young to have lived in the ‘70s.
Longing for the days when unfortunate events consisted of a trampoline, a silk kimono, and a rustic basket full of decorative pine cones.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) December 11, 2015
Wait a minute. She has a point.
[in the dairy aisle with a megaphone] THEN WHY IS CHEESE ORANGE IF MILK IS WHITE? THE MATRIX HAS YOU! LET GO OF ME— Cashier: Mr. Anderson
— ghost mom (@radtoria) November 28, 2015
Nice humblebrag. We’re not all so lucky.
Growing up I thought quicksand and sharks being let out of cages in the pool would be way bigger of a problem.
— Austyn (@AustynBurgamy) May 8, 2015
“I want you to him me as hard as you can.”
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
— Meh For The Holidays (@TheAlexNevil) June 3, 2013
This fight club isn’t super promising.
9: "I'm gonna have a pillow fight!" Me: "Cool! Who are you fighting?" 9: "…It's a pillow fight, mom. I fight the pillow." Me: …
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) December 14, 2015
Granny would’ve loved it.
Sorry I did beat poetry at your Grandma's funeral. I'm in a really weird place right now.
— Zara Scottio (@zarascottio) December 6, 2015
His “poetry” was terrible, too.
Your thunderdome is shoddily constructed, and my leather is chafing. This is seriously the last time I answer a Craigslist ad.
— SuperCynthia (@Super_Cynthia) December 11, 2015
Actually, he’s a freegan. Wait, spellcheck recognizes freegan as a word? I give up. Eat Arby’s.
Her: why does everyone call you "the raccoon"? Me: [eating a sandwich I found in a trashcan] I'm not sure
— huntigula (@huntigula) December 8, 2015
Just wait for her album “35.”
Adele: I must have called a thousand times. Me: You know, that really puts you in the crazy cat lady stalker category, right?
— Cat…Most Days (@SheWearsChucks) November 26, 2015
Did Jim Morrison have a time machine?
Fact: listening to Adele in the bathtub is the leading cause of drowning.
— Swishergirl (@Swishergirl24) December 14, 2015
I would let my kids try this and that’s why my wife checks their homework.
Teacher: Where is your essay on time travel? Me: Right here. Teacher: But this is blank. Me: You'll be able to read it in 2025.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) December 12, 2015
Eh, he’s not totally wrong.
6yo: WHY DO WE NEED A NEW PRESIDENT? IS BRONCO BAMA DONE BEING KING OF AMERICA? Common Core social studies. Zero stars. Wouldn't recommend.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 16, 2015
I knew this was their actual purpose! Also, tripping me in the morning.
I'm buying more decorative throw pillows because my husband didn't seem annoyed with me yet today.
— mrs.peel (@Not_that_mom) December 17, 2015
Don’t listen to him. The ‘80s were awesome. We didn’t have participation trophies.
Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you're fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn't originally realize.
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) December 9, 2015
They do say that pposites attract.
We fought like cats & dogs. He liked coke, I liked meth. He said Ohio was a state. We could agree on one thing: Tilapia was a girls name.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 30, 2014
Laugh, but she’s not wrong. The cuffs are already cinched.
are you aware that by the look of these hipsters we are dangerously close to bringing back hammer pants
— NancyPants (@nancy_yogapants) December 16, 2015
When applying for a job, highlight your unique skill-set.
Interviewer [looking at résumé]: under special skills you put … “lights trash cans on fire”? Me: Interviewer: Me: *fire alarm goes off*
— im not holidaise (@ThingsJackDigs) December 6, 2015
Now that he mentions it, Jack’s parents were very unreasonable.
I would totally trade a cow for magic beans. It's a no-brainer.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) December 16, 2015
“But you let me pick you up.”
me: "so is this a date?" hitchhiker: "um"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) November 27, 2015
Then this happened.
If my name was Penny, I'd hitch-hike with sign that said "See a Penny, pick it up" and be the cleverest body ever to be dumped in a ravine.
— Rachel Noise (@Rachelnoise) December 11, 2015
Dave’s not here, man.
Fuckin Dave pic.twitter.com/DB31sHJIYg
— Rahm E Manual RT (@historyinflicks) December 11, 2015
He was asking for it.
*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money Me: well this night took a SHARP turn *later* Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) December 16, 2015
He’s a mall Santa, he knows. He knows.
[ Sits on Santa's lap ] "People used to believe in me, too."
— ∀LL∃Y ∁∀T (@deardilettante) December 12, 2014
That’s it until 2016. Next Friday is Christmas and I’m taking a day off. Merry Christmas! May your days be filled with kith and kin, happiness and warmth, friends and family, and delicious, delicious booze.
🎶Here we come a-wassailing Among the leaves so green, Here we come a-wassailing, So fair to be seen, Love and joy come to you …🎶
— Arden (@LagunaBeachPOV) December 17, 2015