Are You Ready For Some (Johnny) Football?

Are You Ready For Some (Johnny) Football?

The Cleveland Browns are giving Johnny Manziel, the most controversial backup in league history, a six-game audition.
Jimmy Failla
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A Facebook survey found that Aaron Rogers is the National Football League quarterback most fans would like to have a beer with—while Johnny Manziel is the quarterback that most fans have had a beer with. Since his alcohol-related troubles last month, the Manziel jokes have practically written themselves, but that didn’t stop Cleveland from naming him their starting quarterback for the remaining six games of the season. (To make him feel at home, they’re changing their name to the New Castle Browns.)

Why Johnny? Why now? Because we’ve officially hit the point where teams that have given up on this season start trying to sell tickets for next season. Nothing spins the turnstiles like having a young quarterback on the make—even one like Johnny, who promised to “wreck this league” on draft night but to date has only wrecked a few cars.

From a football standpoint, the Browns announced the switch now because they’re going into a bye, which gives him extra time to prepare for their Monday nighter against the Ravens. This is football 101. When you’re looking to switch coaches or quarterbacks, you do it when there’s a bad team coming up so you can get off to a good start. The Ravens are 2-7, and they’re the worst visiting team in the league. Caitlyn Jenner has done better on the road this year.

Everyone’s Getting Beat Up

I, for one, am wishing Johnny Football the best of luck, because the Cleveland fans are as good as they come, and they’re dying to get behind a winner. Do you realize the last time the Browns had a franchise quarterback the most popular show on TV was “The Cosby Show”? It’s hard to say what’s been more forgettable since then: the Browns’ QBs or Cosby’s dates.

Forgive me, my football jokes only work 42 percent of the time. They’re like Colin Kaepernick’s passes.

Forgive me, my football jokes only work 42 percent of the time. They’re like Colin Kaepernick’s passes.

However it works out, look for Johnny to have a huge impact on ratings, because hate him or hate him, the dude has an electric quality that makes people watch. He’s like Tim Tebow if he could throw, or Peyton Manning if he could still throw.

While we’re talking sports, I have to congratulate Holly Holm on her shocking upset against Ronda Rousey. Holm knocked Ronda out in the second round, but it’s not completely over. Karl Rove still says Ronda can win. There was talk going into this fight that if Ronda won, she would fight Floyd Mayweather. The only way that’s happening now is if she marries him.

You’ve gotta feel for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, because if Ronda is out for an extended period it could kill ratings. She was the only reason a lot us watched the UFC. If we just wanted to see two women beat the snot out of each other, we could go to Denny’s.

Now for Betting Advice

Speaking of going places, if you plan on hitting an NFL game this weekend, be sure to leave extra early because they’re beefing up security big time. You’ve got to feel for the Dallas police, because they’ve gotta stand guard for an attack by Greg Hardy and ISIS. I also read that the NFL is adding ten extra cops at each gate for Monday night’s game in New England. And that’s just to watch the footballs.

Texans win this in a walk, and you can do whatever you want with the money (except donate it to the Jindal campaign).

If you’re looking for something to do with your Draft Kings money now that the cease and desist order kicked in, bet it on the Houston Texans, at home, getting three points (+3) against the New York Jets. Sure, the Texans are coming off a Monday night upset and history shows the Monday night winner is usually a bad bet the following week, but all of that goes out the window against the New York Jets.

The Jets might be 5-5, but they haven’t beaten a single team with a winning record this year. On top of that, they’ve lost three of their last four, with the only win coming against Jacksonville, who’ve been so hard to watch that the Syrian refugees turned down an offer to stay in their stadium. Texans win this in a walk, and you can do whatever you want with the money (except donate it to the Jindal campaign).

If you need one more bet, take Tony Romo Direct TV Commercials giving five (-5) to Peyton Manning Direct TV commercials. This one’s a no-brainer, with Romo returning from injury and Peyton going on the disabled list. Although if you sign up for that Tony Romo Direct TV package, don’t be surprised if your signal keeps getting picked off.

Finally, congratulations to Red Sox slugger David Ortiz, who announced he’s retiring at the end of the 2016 season. It’s unclear if he’ll make into Cooperstown, but the Red Sox should definitely retire his syringe.

Jimmy Failla is a New York City cab driver turned professional stand-up comedian. He appears regularly on "The Kennedy Show" on the Fox Business Channel as well as "Redeye" on Fox News. He is the head writer for A-List Comedy, a national comedy service that supplies topical humor to over 200 radio stations a day.

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