Due to a recent confluence of events, I’ve learned much more about Frank Lloyd Wright than I ever cared to. Nothing against the man, but architecture isn’t one of my esoteric interests.
While I appreciate Wright’s work, I never realized quite how crazy he was or how much he saw himself as a central planner. At least one of his homes was built to be rather cloying and uncomfortable in the bedrooms with the idea being that would force people into the common room. Wanting family to spend time together is not the worst thing in the world, but his job was to build the house and not tell people how they had to use it.
His designs, called Usonian for we Usonians (that’s Americans if you’re not speaking Esperanto) were often built into the landscape around them. This meant they were aesthetically beautiful. It also meant more than a few of his homes were prone to flooding. Maybe Wright’s secret mission was to push Usonians toward seasteading, maybe I’m confusing him with Howard Roark, or maybe I just shouldn’t question genius.
INVENTOR OF SLICED BREAD: [looks at unsliced loaf of bread] hm. this is fine. but i dont kno, wat if [slices a piece] BOB CANCEL MY MEETINGS
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 8, 2015
"What's that?" I call it a 'knife' "Wow, that's the best thing since bread!" Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 6, 2015
Perhaps invented by a descendent of Wright.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn't make the shampoo
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 3, 2015
What about a floating sovereign nation?
No man is an island. A few are peninsulas. I knew one guy who was a rift valley.
— Goats? (@hazelmotes1) November 11, 2015
Not sure how to adjust this for seagulls.
Seeing a huge flock of birds while driving is mother nature's hint to speed up & single out the weakest person around you as a sacrifice.
— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) November 11, 2015
It’s really just because the heat is bad for the stench.
When a cat gives you a dead bird it's a compliment but when I do it I get kicked out of hot yoga.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) November 8, 2015
Add a dead bird, preferably a goose, for good measure.
People don't stand as close to you in line once you begin chanting lines from 'Lord Of The Flies' while softly stroking their hair.
— Luke's Left Arm (@1CleverGirl1) November 7, 2015
You can’t really blame them.
Four and twenty half-charred blackbirds swarm from beneath the broken pie crust, thirsty for vengeance.
— SpaceGirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) July 23, 2015
I support this policy.
No it is not a "cheap political stunt", I genuinely intend to arrest all birds for treason
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) November 9, 2015
They’re called wild animals for a reason.
"And then the Bears mauled Goldilocks to death and ate her, reminding us that home invasion never has a happy ending."
— SpaceGirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 20, 2015
They save the money from make the mistake of invading their homes.
How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) October 2, 2015
Like one involving home invasions?
I'm gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) November 6, 2015
Don’t imitate the Big Bad Wolf.
[HOSPITAL] [beep] DR: It's bad [beep] GUY: How bad? [beep] DR: He's swallowed a tiger [beep] DR: And a bar code scanner [beep]
— November Avi Mat (@MatCro) November 3, 2015
They’re apex predators. You can never be too safe.
Me: My cat is vibrating and making a buzzing noise. Is she full of bees? Vet: …shes purring? Me: Oh …you still wanna check for bees or..
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) July 15, 2015
Cats are not down with coexisting.
I feel sad when I see an old hippie lady driving by with a "coexist" sticker on her car, because I know somewhere her 30 cats are all alone.
— bougie beth (@bourgeoisalien) November 9, 2015
I have three kids, too, but mine aren’t well-behaved so I can’t ever say this.
Friend: your three kids are so well behaved Me: well there used to be four Friend: ….
— Denise (@runninforwine) November 19, 2014
As a parent, you have to make sure your kids don’t get an inflated sense of self-worth.
Lunch! Let's see what mom packed. Hope it's not just a note that says I'm a punk ass buster. Ok it is that note again tomorrow is a new day.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) July 23, 2015
Forget Starbucks, here’s the real war.
Just saw an article titled "66 Places to Put Your Elf on the Shelf" but they forgot in a wood chipper or directly up your ass.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 10, 2015
Why he insisted his will be read in a burn unit.
"to my son, i leave my bathroom scale" the lawyer sighs "because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five"
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) November 8, 2015
Using a thesaurus to make your writing sound more interesting is the most elderly ruse in the tome.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 3, 2014
Self-defense is important.
[First date] You pull up. I'm on my front porch practicing karate on a scarecrow. You step on the accelerator and ease away into the night.
— india (@Womonologue) November 7, 2015
There are times I wonder if I'm attracted to certain men because I know they will eventually try to kill me.
— ∀LLEY ∁∀T (@deardilettante) November 6, 2015
But Molly Ringwald tho.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 15, 2015
Every office has that one person who hates fun.
Sorry about jamming the shredder, but look how much fun you can have with sandwich confetti.
— Unwarranted (@_Aynne_) November 6, 2015
This employee, too, who doesn’t hate fun, just hot dogs.
ME: Beth, i'd like you to meet our new employee Beth: It's nice… ME: No one likes Beth. She puts ketchup on her hot dog. Don't you Beth.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) November 2, 2015
They should hire this guy.
Interviewer: Flaws? Me: I say "That's a spicy meatball" at inappropriate times. Interviewer: Please leave. Me: *holding knife* "That's a spi
— Slam Squat-Thrust (@Gre_Gone) November 8, 2015
Teaching by example is totally legit.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP* Boss: WTH?! Me: It's Natl Bully Month Boss: No, it's Natl Bully PREVENTION Month! Me: well this is awkward
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) October 27, 2015
At least he didn’t mock him for being stuck in a leash.
[approaches parent with child on a leash] "Mind if I pet your dog?" Hey that's my son! "Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?"
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) November 9, 2015
I’ve been there.
I'm so tired that I can't even be evil right now.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) November 12, 2015
This toaster helps keep the evil going when the spirit is weak.
WIFE: why the hell did you spend $280 on a toaster? ME: it's got a ghost in it WIFE: idgaf what it has i- ME: its called a ghoster
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 11, 2015
Quitter. He should learn to harness their power.
Interviewer – "so…are you always surrounded by a swarm of bees" Me – [barely visible] – "haha yeah. I want to die"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) November 7, 2015
The bees beg to differ.
Tour guide, pointing at a thing: that's a nature. Nothing matters
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 10, 2015
I'm still convinced it's not me, it's everyone else.
— human (@krispythehuman) November 8, 2015
Fiat currency is all about perception.
"Money is any item or verifiable record for the payment of debt," I retort, as I slide 10 shillings and a squirrel pelt across the counter.
— Creed (@novicefather) June 16, 2015
And perception is reality. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
frogs are bullshit. theyre just fucked up fish. i dont believe in frogs zookeeper: sir no ones asking you to believe just put the gun down
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 12, 2015
Have a great weekend, my Usonian brothers and sisters. I suppose anyone else reading this, too, whether Canadian or English or those demonized by Trump. For when I achieve the next level of enlightenment, all will be welcome.
[demi-god interview] Where do you see yourself in 5,000 years?
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) November 6, 2015
Here, I see myself here.
surry. kun't. buzy morphing into crystalline-type unearthly sprite
— Taffy Bennington (@singwithTaffy) November 7, 2015