Bad Football Teams Are A Gateway Drug To Alcoholism

Bad Football Teams Are A Gateway Drug To Alcoholism

Buffalo Bills fans have the highest blood-alcohol levels in the league, finds a new study.
Jimmy Failla
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The good news is Buffalo Bills fans finally won something. The bad news is liver damage. A study by the BACtrack breathalyzer company found that Bills fans have the highest blood-alcohol levels in the league, which is saying something given that Philly fans would dropkick a four-year-old if he OR SHE were wearing a Cowboys Jersey.

If that sounds harsh, you should see what they do to kids in Giants jerseys. I’d know. I was one before the coma.

The company conducted a six-week study using anonymous samples that fans sent in using a breathalyzer app on their phones. The data was only collected on game days, in cities that were hosting a professional football game. My question is, why confine it to just professional teams? Why not see what the Jacksonville Jaguars fans were drinking, too?

Jokes aside, the top ten blood-alcohol content (BAC) levels break down like so:

  1. Bills (.076)
  2. Lions (.069)
  3. Eagles (.069)
  4. Browns (.064)
  5. Cardinals (.062)
  6. Chargers (.062)
  7. Dolphins (.061)
  8. Colts (.059)
  9. Redskins (.058)
  10. 49ers (.056)

Nine of the ten drunkest fan bases have a losing record, as do twelve of the top fifteen, which leads me to my hypothesis that rooting for a lousy football team will drive you to drink. BACtrack tried to dispute this very notion in its summary by pointing out that the 6-2 Arizona Cardinals are ranked fifth in BAC.

Sure. But what they didn’t point out is that the Cardinals have only had four winning seasons in the past 20 years, and, like the rest of the top five, they’ve never won a Super Bowl. Drinking is what Cardinals fans do, and, to quote the Cornelius Brothers, “It’s Too Late To Turn Back Now.” Great song, by the way.

BACtrack also pointed out that the Tennessee Titans have the second-lowest BAC in the league, although they’re 1-6 on the year and they’ve never won a Super Bowl.

Why People Don’t Throw Beer Anymore

You might consider the Titans the anomaly in this study, but after watching them play Sunday, my honest guess is their fans have moved onto heroin. And you couldn’t blame them if they did, because H is way cheaper than the beer at a football game.

After watching them play Sunday, my honest guess is their fans have moved onto heroin.

Do you remember back in the day when two guys got into a fight and everyone in the stadium threw beers at them? People don’t throw beer anymore because it’s too expensive. If you get in a fight nowadays you’re more likely to get hit by an engagement ring or an iPad mini.

I’m telling you because I care, folks. Punt on your current football team, before you go broke. Switch to a franchise with a consistent body of work, like the Steelers, or even my Giants, who have the fourth-lowest BAC in the league. You could even play it ultra safe and go with the Patriots, whose BAC is half as high as Buffalo’s (although most experts believe the Patriots’ BAC numbers are underinflated).

Or You Could Switch to Baseball

I’ve gotta do this fast because according to the clock on my TV screen, there’s only 121 hours and 56 minutes until ESPN’s next college playoff rankings.

You’ve gotta admit, it was nice to see someone collapse besides their closer.

Big news out of New York City. The Mets signed manager Terry Collins to a two-year contract extension. He wanted to sign for one year, but Matt Harvey talked him into going longer. Mets General Manager Sandy Alderson actually feinted and collapsed at the Collins press conference. If you’re wondering why nobody caught him, you obviously didn’t watch the series. Luckily, he’s okay, and you’ve gotta admit, it was nice to see someone collapse besides their closer.

Crazy week for Ohio sports teams. On Monday, LeBron James became the youngest player to get 25,000 points on his home court. And on Friday, J.T. Barrett became the youngest player to get 25,000 points on his license. The cop who arrested Barrett said he was so tanked, he claimed Martin O’Malley would win the presidency.

Speaking of the presidency, did anyone see that Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump? So the Donald has locked up the all-important ear-chewing vote. Not only that, but Iron Mike says Trump would be our best president since Paul Revere.

According to Oddshark.com, Hillary Clinton is now the odds-on favorite to wind up in the White House. But to be fair, she’s also the favorite to wind up in the Big House, so I’d stay away from that one.

Place Your Bets Now

Here’s who I would bet this weekend, assuming Chris Christie were president and it were legal: I love the Carolina Panthers at home, plus 2.5 points against Green Bay.

Somebody needs to tell Johnny Gomes that when people say, ‘Act like you’ve been there before,’ they don’t mean prison.

Forget that the Panthers are undefeated and particularly sharp in their building. According to Covers.com, 70 percent of the money in this game is on the Packers, which makes Carolina the house side. On top of that, the Pack is coming off an uninspired loss to the Broncos Sunday night and scouts say Aaron Rodgers looks lost, and seems to be playing without passion. Oh wait, that’s actually Jeb Bush they’re talking about. My bad.

My other best bet is the over 67 for the amount of Draft Kings commercials shown during Monday Night Football. This one’s a lock.

Lastly, Congratulations to the Kansas City Royals on their World Series victory. But did you happen to see their parade on Tuesday? Somebody needs to tell Johnny Gomes that when people say, “Act like you’ve been there before,” they don’t mean prison.

Gomes ran around waving the American flag and disparaging political correctness in profanity laced tirade, all of which I loved. The part I couldn’t get behind was that Gomes didn’t even play in the series because he was left off the roster in place of Raul Mondesi Jr. This would be like Aaron Hernandez congratulating himself on the Patriots Super Bowl win, knowing he was up the river making license plates during the game.

Someone should have cut Gomes off. Where the hell are the CNBC Moderators when you need them?

Jimmy Failla is a New York City cab driver turned professional stand-up comedian. He appears regularly on "The Kennedy Show" on the Fox Business Channel as well as "Redeye" on Fox News. He is the head writer for A-List Comedy, a national comedy service that supplies topical humor to over 200 radio stations a day.

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